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Need advice quickly, no bashing just honest advice

I told myself I would never come here for advice but I am really at a loss right now and I have no one else to turn to at this moment. I was just approached by a father that lives in the same apartment with his son that is the same age as my son. The father told me that he caught my son who is only 11, smoking!! My first reaction was shock. I do not smoke and have repeatedly told my kids how disgusting it is. They have seen first hand how gross it is. My uncle and grandmother both died terrible deaths from lung cancer and my mom has emphysema and COPD. My son HATES when my mom smokes around him. He cant even stand the smell. So obviously I was a bit surprised by this. So I went upstairs to put some stuff down and turned around to go get my son from his friends. On the way out the door, I noticed some cigarettes by the stairs, I picked one up and it was CANDY--continued

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:06 PM on Mar. 10, 2010 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (10)
  • Yes it looked just like a cigarette but it was not. One had a burnt end where it looks like it was lit. I proceeded to go get my son and have a talk with him and he swears up and down he has never smoked a real cigarette. He says he knows what smoking does and does not want to end up looking like his Grandma. Those were his words. He said his friends go to the mall and get candy cigarettes and they burn them and melt the chocolate. I then called one of his friends over and asked him and he had the same exact story. (of course that could be the story they said they would tell though) Now I am MAD, I am mad my son is playing with fake cigarettes and mathces and he is in trouble for that, but I am not sure I believe the dad on this one. I believe my son that he isnt smoking real cigarettes, but I am beyond pissed that he was even playing with fake ones. I am not sure how to react to this whole situation
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:11 PM on Mar. 10, 2010

  • Go sniff his shirts and coat. If he is smoking you will be able to tell.
    SleepingBeautee

    Answer by SleepingBeautee at 8:13 PM on Mar. 10, 2010

  • i had those candy cigrates too as a kid and i never took up smoking. i rather them do the candy then the real thing. but that is just me. i can see why the father thought the kid was smoking. those things look pretty real. but its just another thing kids pretend. i would just tell the father its harmless.
    lambdarose

    Answer by lambdarose at 8:13 PM on Mar. 10, 2010

  • I do all his laundry and never once have I smelled smoke on his clothes, just disgusting boy smell from him playing outside
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:15 PM on Mar. 10, 2010

  • sorry i answered before i read the rest of the story. no if they are actually burning it then u should be upset. playing with matches is wrong. i hope it all works out for u.
    lambdarose

    Answer by lambdarose at 8:15 PM on Mar. 10, 2010

  • yes if ur son is smoking only a half gallon of fabric softener will get the smell out and since u dont smoke u will be able to smell it...i know u believe ur son and not this man and that is ur prerogative as a mother, u should let ur son know that even fake cigarettes r not ok with u if he is caught again "smoking" anything there will be consequences and honestly with all the programs or "causes" that mothers have taken up in the last 20 yrs(i had those fake smokes from the ice cream man as a child too) how the hell r those candies still on the market?
    lilmammaweisner

    Answer by lilmammaweisner at 2:17 AM on Mar. 11, 2010

  • My 12yr. old son likes the candy cigarettes but he certainly doesn't light them on fire. That is what I would be concerned about the most. You should go over the rules about matches/lighters with your son has that is a serious danger. Boys this age tend to go along with their peers & they rarely stop to think before they do something. Make the consequences very clear to your son what will happen the next time he even thinks about messing around with matches/lighters.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:15 PM on Mar. 11, 2010

  • DId he know that play cigarettes were against the rules? if he did, then act accordingly.
    I would be proud of him for not having anything to do with real ones- I'm glad you followed up on what the other Dad saw- the other dad may have been mistaken but he was trying to help.

    complicated I know-
    best to you -
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:15 PM on Mar. 12, 2010

  • If it were me, I think this is what I would do:

    I would thank the Dad, because it sounds like he honestly believed that they were smoking - the candy cigarettes were in their mouths, they were lit, etc - I can see how, at a distance, it could look real, and you never know, down the line he might see something else that's going on that IS real, and a problem, and you would want him to tell you, kwim?

    Then, I would have a talk with your ds about the whole matches thing - sorry, but there isn't a good excuse for lighting candy on fire, and someone could get hurt that way. Also, explain to him that YES, real cigarettes are disgusting, so why in the world would he want to pretend to be smoking, so that people would think that he had that disgusting habit? (Honestly, it's not even good candy...)

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 4:37 AM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • cont

    Then, I would punish him for the matches part of it (and tell his friends parents what they were doing - they should know they're setting fire to candy, as well). Then I would tell him that while he's in trouble for that part of it, he's not in trouble for the candy itself (unless you've banned it). Followed by saying that while I preferred that he pick some other candy, I wouldn't make him not have it, but, IF he is, he is NOT allowed to even pretend to be smoking it. Because, if it's the candy taste itself that he likes, fine - then take it, bite a part off, chew it up, etc - eat it like candy. If he's pretending to smoke it, then that's a problem, and he will be in trouble if he's caught pretending to smoke it.

    BUT - like I said, that's what I would do if it were me. I'm sure that what you come up with, knowing your son and the rules at your house, will be just fine :-)
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 4:41 AM on Mar. 13, 2010

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