Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

I am torn....what should I do?

I am married to the father of my 3 children, we have been married for almost 9 years. We have been together on and off prior to our marriage for since 1994. It would not say that I do not love him, but I really do not love our life together. We never do things as a family, he never takes the kids anywhere, or me for that matter. But when he wants to go do something he just goes, with no regard for us. I love him, but I am not sure if I love him simply because he has been a part of my life for so long and we have children together. My instinct tells me to work through it and deal for the kids sake. But my heart is starting to be pulled in another direction. I recently began talking with a friend from school and we really click. We have only talked via the computer and phone. He respects that I am married and I have told him I will not cheat. But the more I communicate with him the more I feel like he is my addiction.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:39 PM on Mar. 11, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • If you're that emotionally removed from your hubby, then it's time to ask yourself if you truly love your husband and want to make it work. If that's the case, you both need to go to counseling. If both aren't willing, then the marriage can't really be saved. I don't always agree with the grass is greener stuff, because each person is different. You need to do what is right for you and your kids, and make the best life you can. You may not even end up with the new guy if you were to divorce. It's not trading problems for problems, per say, but it's time to take a deeper look at the real issues you see in your marriage and get your husband to discuss them with you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:55 AM on Mar. 12, 2010

  • OP - To add a little more to this, I did not seek out my friend from school for a way out of my marriage. We just began chatting and it just sort of ended up that we chat a lot and we have a lot in common. He says things that make me feel good about myself, he does not pressure me to leave my marriage for him, we are realistic about the fact that I am married and that we cannot be more than friends as long as I am, he has been burned by a cheating wife so swears he would not do that to anyone else or expect me to. Maybe I am getting the emotional support and conversations that I simply do not get with my husband. And I have tried to get that, believe me I have, but we are still in the same place. When we do go someplace I always hear about how he could be somewhere else. I am foolish to think that maybe I may have a better life with someone else?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:57 PM on Mar. 11, 2010

  • I seriously think you should take you and your to counseling. He is selfish and needs to consider you and your family. You can love someone who is selfish ( I think we all do....there are plenty to go around), but he needs to grow up and out of that. You can help him become the person he needs to, if you'll stick with him and get him the counseling he needs. I will pray his heart will be open and he will recieve it. If you can do this, you will have a blessing beyond all comprehension. Don't throw your marriage away...try to get it to grow and mature. Hugs to you!
    singnstitch

    Answer by singnstitch at 3:35 PM on Mar. 11, 2010

  • When I was having trouble with my divorce, everyone always told me that "the grass is always greener on the other side", I thought it was crap, but I learned first hand its true. No man is perfect, if you trade your DH in, your just going to get another man with different problems. If your truely not happy you need to do something about it, whether its counseling or a divorce... I do 100% percent feel that what you are doing is emotionally cheating on your husband. If doesnt matter how unhappy you are, you made a commitment to treat him and your marriage a certain way (unless it ends of course) so, until you are divorced, you need to stop breaking that commitment. It is NOT fair to you kids, your DH or your marriage. It may make you feel good, but it is NOT right. Figure out your marriage BEFORE you start ANY sort of a relationship with any other man!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:03 PM on Mar. 11, 2010

  • I think this is normal, when you start talking to another man, he makes you feel good (like your dh did in the beginning). You are desperately craving that attention. And you have needs that are not being met by your husband. But you also have children to think about, and this is so unfair to them too. How would you feel if your dh was having this kind of relationship with another woman? If he did that to you, would you feel like he was cheating?
    I think you need to cut ties. If it doesn't work out with your husband, that's one thing. But if you decide to leave because of another man, that's cheating.
    There is a reason why we have instincts. GO with it.
    JackieGirl007

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 5:38 PM on Mar. 11, 2010

  • your cheating hunny, you are becoming attqached to another man, would you want your husband to be talking to another woman like that?
    xxSummaxx13

    Answer by xxSummaxx13 at 7:40 PM on Mar. 11, 2010

  • I honestly don't know that I would mind if my hubby were talking to another woman the way I am talking to my friend, because then maybe I would have an excuse to leave because we are both at different places than we were 9 yrs ago. My biggest fear is that I will hurt the kids and they are first and foremost in every choice I make. Yes, I know some of my choices may seem selfish, but I am trying to find happiness, something I have not felt for a long time and I like to think a happy mom makes for happier kids. Maybe I am trying to convince myself. I am just looking for other perspectives. I can't really defend my actions or punish myself them, I am doing what I feel I need to right now. And you are right my husband should be my best friend, and right now I don't feel he is nor has he been for a long time.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:06 PM on Mar. 11, 2010

  • Sometimes it's more work and more stressful to live separate lives. Imagine the expense, the swapping homes, the visitation, if/when he brings someone new home to meet the kids - you will not know anything about this stranger who will likely play "mommy" when she is at his home - you will have no control over who he brings into their lives, nor where they go or what they do when they are with him for visitation.

    Visitation - are you ready to spend Thanksgivings and Christmases without your kids? You will have to split them with their father.

    Stay with him if you can - it's only going to get worse if you split.

    BTW, I am a stepmom - DH's ex was so mean to me - now that I am a Mommy I know, she was a mama bear trying to protect her young from a stranger....stepmoms and biomoms rarely get along, it causes a lot of stress on everyone involved.

    Not to mention the loads of $$ you'll spend on lawyers.
    texassahm

    Answer by texassahm at 11:19 PM on Mar. 11, 2010

  • I'll bet the old John Deere that you haven't actually talked to your husband about his habit of not doing things with the family. Because it is a habit he's formed and habits can be hard to break, especially if the person who needs to do the breaking doesn't even know there's a problem in the first place. Instead of indulging yourself with an emotional affair, try making some plans for the family that include him and following through on that and if he blows you off, talk to him about your feelings.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:20 AM on Mar. 12, 2010

  • I have talked to my husband about not doing stuff as a family and he still seems to stay the same in his habits. I told him he needs to make memoried with his children and not make excuses. I agree seperations are difficult but I don't think if one is unhappy they should stay simply because it is easier. Life is hard and if we always did what was easiest we would never be able to rise to the challenge. I agree I have a lot to figure out and that is exactly what I am trying to do.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:36 AM on Mar. 13, 2010

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN