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Proposal for visitation from partially absent father.. what do you think? What should we add/take out?

background: boy is 7, dad has not been around 45% in part due to mother making unreasonable requests such as give me $350 (on top of cs) and you can see him. dad has been around son a handful of times. what do you think? what should we take out or add? *names changed

Mary-
I would like to discuss setting up a visitation schedule for me to spend time with Patrick. I realize that I have been a less than great father to him and I have not been there. For that I am deeply sorry and I’m sure Patrick has suffered from my irresponsibleness. I have spent the last three years turning my life around and I feel that I have turned into a person that our son deserves to be around. I was hoping to see Patrick a few times a month-- he and I could get lunch and do something fun for a couple hours. If he is into sports maybe I could come to some of his games. What do you think would be reasonable?

-Bob

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:23 PM on Mar. 11, 2010 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (20)
  • OP I am so glad that you are taking this route first. Being both a step mom and a mom to a child with an absentee bio father, I know how hard it is not to step on anyones toes and also be not be hostile to another human being.... even if in the past they were a waste of space.
    First as the bio and custodial parent of an child with an absentee father I would like to say I think you have worded it nicely. I think maybe you could add a proposed schedule and maybe even offer supervised visitation with a mediative support. Also, both you and the father of this child are going to have to remember that the child is going to act out. Maybe not right away but he will. He will have residual anger and although at first he will probably be happy for the attention and the spoiling ( try to save gifts for birthday and Christmas at first), the outburst will come. Possibly suggest counciling to reintegrate into the childs life and make cont.
    lildudesmomma

    Answer by lildudesmomma at 5:19 AM on Mar. 12, 2010

  • Well is there a CO in place?
    outstandingLove

    Answer by outstandingLove at 11:25 PM on Mar. 11, 2010

  • mother has full custody. when son was born father was into drugs and shortly after did time in jail for felonies. has been sober for the past 5 years and working very hard to improve his life (stable job, living environment, heatlhy relationships) for the past 3 years. within the past 5 years he has got to see son a handful of times, but not because he hasn't tried... like I said mother makes unreasonable requests (ie-- asking for $350 in exchange for seeing son + child support) and we can only afford to do that so many times before we are broke. did not pay child support in past but is currently paying. no visitation order but we will be taking her to court if this route does not work.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:30 PM on Mar. 11, 2010

  • ...so who are you? are you the grandparent?
    legally, if the mother has full custody it is her choice, but it would be unwise to deny him the visit IMO. Also, he should be taking her to court for making outlandish demands in order for him to see their child.
    outstandingLove

    Answer by outstandingLove at 11:33 PM on Mar. 11, 2010

  • I'm the stepmom. We both feel it would be best if I not be around until the mom is comfortable with the son going to see dad.... although we would be honest that dad is marrried. the mom is sort of psychotic and she would view it as we are trying to steal her child. plus that gives dad special time to bond with son.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:39 PM on Mar. 11, 2010

  • 1. If the father has been around some, add the word "always" to the second sentence: "I have not always been there."
    2. Patrick obviously plays sports. I would also add something inquiring about Patrick's current participation, if any exists, in the faith based community and, if any exists, the father should offer to spend time with Patrick in this venue as well.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:46 PM on Mar. 11, 2010

  • if i were you (and i'm a stepmom too) i would be encouraging my DH to take the BM to court. get a CO in place. then the BM would no longer be allowed to make such ridiculous requirements in order for him to see his child. And then your husband could have regular visits. The courts would want to start out slow. Especially if the BM fights it. Try for a few hours a weekend for a few months and then eventually ask for part custody with every other weekend or something such as that. It's a long process and it's a pain in the ass, especially if BM has Golden Uterus syndrome.

    I think it is smart to wait to introduce yourself. good for you for looking out for the child's best interest!
    outstandingLove

    Answer by outstandingLove at 11:49 PM on Mar. 11, 2010

  • @anon 10:46--

    Thank you. We do know he plays sports (thanks facebook) but we are just trying not to overwhelm mom and let her feel like we respect her opinion too. We figured he would invite dad to come to his games anyway. We want to start off slow and establish rapport, let mom know that dad is serious about being involved with hopes of getting more visitation, perhaps weekend trips when mom and son are comfortable with it. We are 95% sure the family is not involved in church, but that is a really great idea.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:55 PM on Mar. 11, 2010

  • if the mom was/is asking for extra money on top of what she is getting for child support then i'm not sure if you'll be able to establish a rapport with this woman. Most well meaning mothers would not deny the father of her child the right to see his son over money. I truly and honestly believe he should take her to court. Even if all he asks for is supervised visits. At least it would be on record and BM would not be able to deny it.
    outstandingLove

    Answer by outstandingLove at 11:59 PM on Mar. 11, 2010

  • outstandinglove: thank you. we are hoping this will be.... less confrontational and cause less resentment then court however we are prepared to take mom to court if this does not work. we also wanted to be able to prove that we have tried to make this happen but mom refused. we would eventually like to work up to every other weekend visits, or whatever son is most comfortable with, but we realize that will take some time.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:01 AM on Mar. 12, 2010

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