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Adoption Dilemma,Cont...

**Before anyone responds to this.Please read the last post titled:Adoption Dilemma and answers to understand this recent post,Thank you.
Well she sent me an apology saying she was scared and lost faith in how things were going for her to have a child.I understand her side however felt she took the fact of me saying that we must prepare baby may not allow me to deliver there if he comes early and her taking it to a negative place scared me how she really is.I have said this before to her so the fact she jumped all over that made me wonder was she ever listening to begin with.I told them i need to think stuff over but will continue to talk to them and see where i stand but make no promises as i have said from the start but needed to reinstate this to them since i feel they have started to show some true colors and seem to only hear what they want and than guilt me when it bothers them later on over something. So any thoughts ?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 3:45 PM on Mar. 12, 2010 in Adoption

Answers (17)
  • Your a strong woman who is doing what will be right in the best interest of the babies future,weather with you or with an adoptive family.I wish you the best and it's the outcome you hope for.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:54 PM on Mar. 12, 2010

  • I just read both posts ... and WOW!
    It sounds like they are not being sensitive to you and especially to the health of this baby, but are more concerned with how it will "effect them".....Babies come when THEY are ready, not when you are.
    If you are not 100% comfortable with them, please think long and hard about what type of home you want your baby raised in.
    Nothing is set yet.....don't let them guilt you into choosing them. But, I would caution you too, to be careful that your nervousness isn't getting in the way and causing you to second guess your decisions.

    Answer by christyg at 5:39 PM on Mar. 12, 2010

  • Ok I agree with the posters in your first question about really think about adoption and the long term issue.Having said that if it is still your choice to go through adoption tell these APs good bye.Travel while dilated??? Who chooses to do that.So if the man couldn't make it due to some farm emergency I still would be very hesitant but for both to have that attitude it is wrong!!! I also see red flags with the open adoption, they are able to justify all their actions way too easily.From a strictly compassionate view point having you travel away from home ,give birth,sign adoption papers and send you home sounds cold to me.Have uterus will travel.If they are able to be this dismissive at this point what does it say for the future when they have the baby.If adoption is your route go find parents that are in sync with you.Maybe you are seeing why their other attempts have fallen through.Only commenting on this couple alone.


    Answer by drfink at 7:18 PM on Mar. 12, 2010

  • I didnt read every post so I apologize if this was already said:
    Are they asking you to travel out of state?

    Realize that the laws surrounding adoption can vary dramatically from one state to another and the state that the child is born in is often a deciding factor. If you post what states you are talking about, I am sure someone here can help you look it up. You may have a ton of rights in one state and very little in another. Make sure the baby is born in the state with the better rules for you.

    Can I ask how you matched. I was waiting 2 years + for a bmom to choose us and when I hear Potential Acouples who act so casually like they can make the rules, it shocks and amazes me. I also would walk from this couple.

    If this is how they treat you when they have to be nice, how will they treat you in a year. .

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:40 PM on Mar. 12, 2010

  • OP HERE:
    They want me to come yes to there state but not due to adoption laws from one state to the next but will be easier for them.
    I found them on an adoption site which i will out of respect refrain from stating.
    I have been talking with the adoptove couple since around Thanksgiving.
    I guess it bothers me they want me to go around now there lifestyle when it was stated from the start what i wanted.
    Than for her doctor to say without caring about the condition of this pregnancy or ever seeing me or talking to my doctor i can travel even in early labor stages so this way to they do not need to wait forever for labor to begin to get back to the farm so they can become parents quicker is insane not only to say that as a health professional but the potential risks to me or baby.
    I agree with PP they are showing over time there true nature to everything as time goes on so agreed hate to see a year once they get baby.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:54 PM on Mar. 12, 2010

  • christyg....OP HERE: I know that this is not an easy thing but i will not let emotions get in the way of doing what is best since i do not want to look back with regrets where it was based of the adoptive parents although my heart goes out to couples wanting children i need to step back and remember this is my child and proceed from there.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:59 PM on Mar. 12, 2010

  • OP HERE:The adoptive mom feels the reason i'm being so unfair is because she is not making it worth my while.I could not be more insulted.Since the adoptive family have offered to pay for lots i told them until i deliver the baby and papers are signed i do not feel right to take money from them for anything.If they want to help pay for specific stuff that is left unpaid by my medical insurance than i would find that acceptable or attorney fees when papers get signed also fine.However being i'm making this decision some responsibility needs to fall on me to,not just them.She than turned it into i was changing my mind,how that is i do not know since this is about finding a good home versus what i get or do not get.That right there ended it for me tonite with them she ruined her chances to be a mom by her own actions.If she wants to be a mom she needs to look at herself and change what has not been working over these past 10 yrs.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:28 PM on Mar. 12, 2010

  • Im so sorry to hear that you have had such a bad experience. You sound pretty set in your decision, which I think is something that every bitrhmom should be before she signs adoption papers.
    I would think adoption sites would be harder to find a good match...just my opinion .. but I would bet there are adoption agencies in your area that can be really helpful in finding an outstanding family!!!
    God just closed one door for you - that's all - in oder to open a better one :)

    Answer by christyg at 10:44 PM on Mar. 12, 2010

  • I am not saying that they are lying to you but I can tell you FIRST HAND that most doctors will not render an opinion in the situation that you are describing. We had all of my childs bmoms records and a signed legal document saying that MY doctor had the right to review them. MY doctor refused to do it. There is just too much legal risk for them to render an opinion on a pregnant woman they havent seen.
    Also, not to scare you, but what if God forbid there are complications and you land in the hospital for longer than expected. Now you are in a strange hospital away from your support system, are they going to tell you the crops are more important than supporting you.

    This couple give potential APs a bad name (IMO). So many couples would bend over backwards for exactly what you present. They didnt even have to pay an agency... do you know that you already probably saved them $20k right there.

    Good luck

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:23 AM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • Anon above... sorry. I hadnt read far enough.

    I am glad you gave made the change. Remember, you dont have to chose another couple super quickly. Take your time.

    Good luck

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:25 AM on Mar. 13, 2010

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