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At What Point Does the Obligation End?

My mother wanted kids. My dad did not. They had them (obviously). By the time I was talking, my father was calling me things like btch, cnt, and slt (vowels removed for little ones). When I was 10 he told me he never wanted us. I could NEVER do enough for him. Even when I got A's in school he said I could do better. He beat us with belts. He emotionally and psychologically abused us. At 12, he started molesting me and it built up beyond that. Fast Forward 22 years...
Now he's dying of cancer and he lives on his own. I have two kids. He's made threats to shoot us all (he's not really emotionally stable with all the drugs he's on) but they won't put him in assisted living. My question: At what point does my moral obligation to help end? Do I even have an obligation to him? Is birth enough that I do have an obligation or does it require an attempt at decency on his part? I hope this makes sense....any thoughts are appreciated.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:12 AM on Mar. 13, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (15)
  • You obviously have a glorious heart for even considering the question after the horrors you endured. Your obligation is to the family YOU created on this earth and no one else. From my perspective, if you absolutely need to contact this man then send him a letter or make a recording and send it telling him how you feel. If you get no response, then there's your sign. There is no right or wrong answer. The moral obligation you are battling with may be as simple as saying a prayer for him and letting the end of his life be his own path to walk. Alone.
    My heart breaks for people such as yourself who have suffered at the evil of their parents. But along the way I have learned that love and kindness do exist. You must see that every time you look in your children's eyes. Love and Blessings.
    Fraweggy

    Answer by Fraweggy at 2:57 AM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • you have no obligation...your dad treated you the way my mom treated me and my siblings. i have so much anger towards her, i don't love her and all i want to do is tell her what a horrible mother she was, in her opinion she is a wonderful mother. he may have been your father but he didn't want to be your dad. if you want to try to fix things then by all means go for it because it's better than "what if" just remember you have no obligations to someone who tortured you
    aliishott2

    Answer by aliishott2 at 2:21 AM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • I would honestly say any obligation you had to him for the simple fact that he was your parent ended when he started abusing you. There comes a point for some people that their parents have to earn it, some abusive parents get help and work to mend realtionships with their children. Your father doesnt sound like one of those people.

    It is completely up to you if you want to be there to help him. I dont know that I could if I were in your shoes.
    3_ring_circus_

    Answer by 3_ring_circus_ at 2:22 AM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • What do you think YOU need to do to feel at peace? If you need to go say your goodbyes then go but if you dont then dont. He abused you terribly. I dont know if I will go to my father when the time comes. You do whats right for you sweetie and thats it.
    stickyfingers

    Answer by stickyfingers at 2:26 AM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • I personally would go no where near this man.
    you were born because he donated the sperm this man was not a father to you and he did terrible things to you.
    you have no obligation to this man in any way in my opinion- if anything he would have a obligation to you for be sorry for what he did, but they may not happen.
    just do what you can to find peace- whatever that is, just keep yourself safe and your children safe.

    I'm sorry about what he did to you-
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:26 AM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • What do you think YOU need to do to feel at peace? If you need to go say your goodbyes then go but if you dont then dont. He abused you terribly. I dont know if I will go to my father when the time comes. You do whats right for you sweetie and thats it.


    THIS!
    ErinHill226

    Answer by ErinHill226 at 2:53 AM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • Minus the molesting and bad name calling, I was treated badly as a child too by my father. I feel know obligation to him.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 5:14 AM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • What do you think YOU need to do to feel at peace? If you need to go say your goodbyes then go but if you dont then dont. He abused you terribly. I dont know if I will go to my father when the time comes. You do whats right for you sweetie and thats it.


    PERFECT!
    mommymeg03

    Answer by mommymeg03 at 6:47 AM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • You have no obligation. A person with a normal, healthy childhood who wasn't abused doesn't *really* have an obligation; it's just what we do b/c we do care about and love our parents and want to help them. You, however, were treated horribly, by someone who was supposed to love and protect you no matter what. Even if an "obligation" did exist, he cancelled it out by treating you that way. I would say you can walk away with a clean conscience.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 7:45 AM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • If your own skin is rotten, you have to cut it off if you want to survive.

    You're father is rotten, don't let him try to poison you. Cut off the rotten piece of flesh called your father.

    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 8:48 AM on Mar. 13, 2010

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