Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Kicked my son out a few days ago dont know what to do! Kinda long please read need advice

So two days ago my 20 yo son got a major attitude with me when I called him on his attitude. He thinks he can just take what he wants when he wants and that everything in this house belongs to him. Well the other day I had enough and told him so. He got mad started yelling screaming namecalling and throwing things.So I told him if he cant respect my house and the people and things in it he could leave. So he did then yesterday he shows up wanting the rest of his things I tell him he cant come in that I would get his stuff and that led to another hour of name calling and yelling. Then today he calls me and says he wants to come over and talk I tell him not today I just dont have the energy to deal with him today and he gets mad says never mind then and hangs up. His attitude sucks and I dont want him here right now but on the other hand I feel like a horrible mother for telling him no. Help dont know what to do.

Answer Question

Asked by momma62009 at 3:01 PM on Mar. 13, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (11 Credits)
Answers (42)
  • i think it was a little immature of you not to talk to him, by the sounds of it he was trying to be somewhat civil and talk about the situtation. It was really not right, to kick him out, and not let him get his things, you would have saved yourself a fight if you would have just let him grab his things and leave. It's time to let go and let him take responsibility for himself. I would call him, and tell him his things are ready for him to come pick up, and then let him go on his way. Your his mom, he'll always love you and he's only 20, so trust me, he'll be back again, when he realizes how hard the real world is

    Answer by NaKeYJaKeYsMoMy at 3:06 PM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • That is the CATCH so to speak. To do what we MUST do to help our children grow and mature, it hurts us and makes us feel horrible.

    I think you did the right thing, just remember you are doing it for him. So that he can grow up into a wonderful man!

    It is hard though!!!

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:06 PM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • Pack his stuff up, put it in the driveway. Let him know before hand when and where his stuff will be. Maybe put at tarp over it weighted down with bricks so nobody knows what it is and it can't get damaged with rain or whatever. He can pick it up.
    Then maybe you can write out the guidelines of your household. Give him a copy and say, he can return when (if that's what you want) when he can respect that this is YOUR HOUSE and respect the stipulations of living in your home.
    There is no reason you should feel like you have to walk on eggshells around him, or put up with childish outbursts, OR damage to things in your home because he wants to chuck stuff around when he's angry.
    If he's not already then require him to have a job and pay rent.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:07 PM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • that is also a good idea from ANON 1:07 =D

    Answer by NaKeYJaKeYsMoMy at 3:08 PM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • I have grown kids too, I have always made them feel that everything I own is theirs too. Talk to him now that he is willing to, make some energy but not for fighting but to talk like the two adults you are. Kicking him out is not going anywhere but down hill for the both of you, come to a compromise, work it out, do not let 20 years of nurturing turn into hate out of miscommunication. Call him back right now.

    Answer by older at 3:08 PM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • OP here I didnt say I would never talk to him I justb told him not today. And while he was throwing his fit the first day he kicked in the door of the room my 1 yo was sleeping in. Not only did he bust the door he scared the crap out of his sister so much that she was scared to go to bed the next two nights. And when he left the first time he did tak alot of his stuff just not everything thats why he came back.I know what you all say is true about talking to him I just dont know if I can have him back in this house there are 6 other children seeing this behavior and this isnt the first time hes acted like this it was just the worst.

    Answer by momma62009 at 3:15 PM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • Oh yes really did the right thing. HOLD YOUR GROUND. Dont let an "adult" aged child hold his "love" for you as ransom. Know what I mean, some moms are so worried about loosing their childs love and affections so much that they allow bad behavior and become and enabler.

    I think you did it right!!!

    Answer by mom2twobabes at 3:26 PM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • mom2, good moms get to the source of the bad behavior and do whatever it takes to correct it, a good mom never even considers loosing a childs love much less worrying about it. You become an enabler when you don't face it head on and correct it, but you never ever turn your back.

    Answer by older at 3:47 PM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • You did the right thing....he's a man the age of 20 he knows very well wrong and right....and what he's done has all been wrong. One post mentioned to put his stuff out....I would do the same and have him pick it up.....with a note of the stipulations and ground rules of living in your home. If he cant oblige, then neither can you. Love is tough and that teaches them reality. He has to learn to act like a mature young man in your home, otherwise find his own place to live and act that way. In all honesty him getting his own place to live may work out even better. I moved out at a young age because I simply could not abide by my parental rules. When I moved out of parents home, things between us all were so much better.

    Answer by LynnB1 at 4:39 PM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • older: you can get to the source of the behavior without letting them walk all over you.

    AND, this is a 20 year old child...sometimes all the love and help from a mother may not be able to change the child. Mainly, b/c you have no legal standing with a child any longer...they are an "adult"

    Not that you dont wish you could MAKE them do what you want....but sometimes you CANT.

    If you walk around tippy toeing around your child and "helping" them...then you may loose your child all together forever....

    A good combination of tough love and mom love is the right answer.

    Her son is a man, and should act as one. Of course their may be underlying issues why he may be acting like this, and she should try her hardest to find out why and help him. But she should also hold her ground.

    Dont forget she has other children in the household who are not adults that she must take care of as well.

    Answer by mom2twobabes at 5:43 PM on Mar. 13, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.