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Stuck

Well where do I start. I'm in a marriage with a man who disrespects me. He does very little for me. We have 2 children together. I'm just trying to understand why I stay. We are having a house built which is going in my name only since I have the good credit and salary and he keeps saying its my house etc...We are staying with family until the house is done next month. I am just so tired of the way he treats me and how he talks to me. Im wondering what to do next. Everyone looks at us like this perfect couple and I have to admit I feel embarrassed for people to know what really is going on. When things are going good its nice but never great. I just feel like Im selling myself short these days and deserve better. What do I do?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:01 PM on Mar. 13, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (15)
  • Leave... or get counseling... assuming he will go.
    But he won't change without help.
    It will be tough...but at least you have a house going up and a JOB! You can wait it out if you want.. til the house is done, if you are gonna leave. Otherwise just say "We need therapy. You treat me like nothing. If you love me and want to keep the marriage afloat, you will go with me."
    missbreezy214

    Answer by missbreezy214 at 11:07 PM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • I think its healthy for you that you realize this. It sounds like your problems could be addressed through counseling. I know its so cliche but if it does absolutely nothing else, it gives you the tools to communicate better and every woman knows that communication is a critical part of a healthy marriage. I could go on, but I really think that would be the best starting place. Just come to him at a calm moment alone and say you've been having these frustrations and see what he has to say- maybe it will open up a dialogue (it sounds like he may feel threatened by your better financial standing and how he'll be living in "your" house implies immasculation- I know, but many guys like to be providers and maybe he is trying to reassert himself by behaving offensively toward you) or maybe he'll shut down and you can push for counseling. go alone if you have to. problems like this are worth trying to work out and you deserve it
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:07 PM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • IF he's not the breadwinner and you don't need him to finance the rest of the home building. LEAVE him. Try seperating form him first though. Make this new house a new start for you and your children and that way you will never have to feel embarrassed holding your head high to your friends when you tell them. I am MOVING ON to better. True friends will understand completely, also don't ever be ashamed to ask for help esp. form those who you feel judged by, they might just have the extra hand and wisdom you need and thus, you feel overly criticised in the firs tplace. Trus tyour instincts and live life, after you move in, you won't leave him. Simply put, you don't want to drag 'old baggage' into your NEW home do you? You know the answer, and you know just how bad it is. Be well, take care of your children and self THEN find a man who follows thta order too! :)
    IndieJones

    Answer by IndieJones at 11:11 PM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • I think before you do anything like leave him, you have to try to talk to him, does he know how you are feeling, sometimes guys just don't get it and you have to say it out loud to them. You married him and there is a reason why. remind him of that. Just try to talk if that does not work then I am sorry I am no help. Hopefully he will realize what an ass he is being and will change his ways and treat you the way you should be treated and you can enjoy your new house. Living at home with inlaws can be very tough on a couple I have been there. Once you are back out on your own that may help. Just wait you are almost there!
    Nikol4270

    Answer by Nikol4270 at 11:21 PM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • All your answers mean a lot to me and they all are helpful. He actually just came in the bedroom changed and walked out. Now he has an attitude about the time we left to go to my cousins b-ball game that we ended up being an hour early for. His behaviors are just soo immature. We are way too old for this. In my heart I really dont think there is a forever for us anymore. His nasty ways are getting worse and he is beginning to be rude in front of others which is really difficult to deal with. I do not need him to finance this house at all but our saved money is in a joint account and at this point I dont feel it would be safe to cause any kind of disturbance because there is a certain amount of money I MUST have when we settle. But even saying that says to me I am obviously thinking beyond us ya know. I think I will approach him with the counseling at a more settled time but should it be either do it or its over?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:24 PM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • I just cant keep living this way. I am so tired of it. The fact that I make more means nothing to me at all but when he behaves the way he does and doesnt help around home with anything or the kids I just feel like I am doing it all and then it becomes what is the point. If I want to do it all I can do it alone without the headache of his female attitudes. I almost feel he is more woman then me sometimes. its just becoming miserable. He even called me on his cell to ask me to come outside-in the rain and parrellel park his car because he couldnt and then said well if u dont do it I will go to my moms. Last week we had a fight because he squirted me with water in our bedroom so I poured some back on him and then he was pissed trying to dumb a whole bottle on my. He then leaves and stays at his moms(i know he was there i put gps on the cell phone which is also in my name) that was the 1st time he stayed out and i told him if he
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:29 PM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • ever did that again it is over. We have been together or back together for 8 yrs and not once has that ever happened. I will not start to deal with that now but now its like some sort of threat i guess. Im just tired of it. Does anyone know what my legal rights would be? Our sons are 6 and 9 old enough to make their own choices and they would choose to be with me. The house will be in my name only. If we divorced would he be able to get anything from me? I make about 3x as much as him. WIth the way he has been acting I just dont trust him and am feeling like I need to begin to prepare myself for a life outside of him which is a huge problem to me for two people who are suppossed to be in a marriage.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:32 PM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • Yes. Do it or it's over. But either way, you should go yourself. Is there any way you can get some of the savings out now? And put it away where he can't get it? It does sound like you do have it basically figured out, you just need someone to tell you it's ok. If you are unhappy, it's ok. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be with someone that treats you well. If he can't be that man, then you don't have to stay.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 11:32 PM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • You'd need to talk with an attorney to find out what your options are. He sounds unstable. What's up with him? Did he lose his job? Has he always been like this? Is he going through a midlife crisis? It sounds like he really needs therapy. Like, yesterday. I think courts generally still favor moms, and he does sound unstable. IDK if he'd ask for spousal support, and since you make more then him, he might get it. But if you have the kids, then probably not. You just need to see an attorney. You should be able to see one with no charge for the first visit, to ask questions. It used to be that way.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 11:37 PM on Mar. 13, 2010

  • Raine I think you may be right. Reading your words opened a whole bunch of emotions for me. Its so hard to let go but I think its what I am going to have to do. And then the other part is me worrying about him and his welfare. We have been together for 10 years. Im such a competitor and want things to be so perfect I feel like Im failing and I dont like feeling this way. I just see the effect this is beginning to have on my kids and I'm just really looking at him and resenting him at times
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:40 PM on Mar. 13, 2010

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