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Is this "normal"? I feel like I am being used by my husband

If we haven't had sex in a while he will get affectionate and loving. He will say nice things and randomly feel me up. Than after sex he goes back to ignoring me. No kissing, no touching it feels more like we are roommates than in a relationship. We get along fine, just no affection. Than a few days will pass and he will start getting horny again and it will start all over.
I have started to hold off on sex so that affectionate period is prolonged. Or I won't come onto him, cause if I do than there will be no affection for me at all. He says that he needs time to "recooperate" after sex. That after sex, he doesn't feel sexual for the next 24 hours or so. There have been many times where I try to initiate sex after we had already done it earlier that day and he just pushes me away. Even just affection he pushes me away. The other morning we had sex and a few hours later I tried to kiss him and he wouldn't let me!

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Asked by Anonymous at 11:28 PM on Mar. 14, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • No I wouldn't say that is "normal" behavior. I can understand him maybe not wanting to have sex for a little bit after you already had sex, but not even wanting to kiss you? That's a little ridiculous. It almost seems to me like he wants nothing to do with you unless he's horny. I know thats not what you want to hear but that's just the impression I get. Have you told him how you feel? Maybe he doesn't realize it bothers you?

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:31 PM on Mar. 14, 2010

  • Maybe he's insecure about his stamina and doesn't want to have to deal with the road affection leads to. Or he's a selfish jerk.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:31 PM on Mar. 14, 2010

  • You need to sit down and talk to him about this. Let him know you feel like he's running a game on you and you really appreciate his affection but it needs to be sincere. I wish I was doing it every day though. ;)

    Answer by MamaChamp at 11:36 PM on Mar. 14, 2010

  • Um, thats pretty normal in my house -when we have had sex in the last day or so we are less physically affectionate, and it is like we are housemates - how long have you been together. I don't see it as being used, any more than if you had had enough and your DH was constantly pestering you for sex, you might say he only wants you for sex- if you know what I mean. Just being like room mates is only a problem if you think he doesn't love you during that period which is totally different to being horny for you during that period. I can't recall the last time we had sex more than once in 24hrs, he and I both need to to recoop -I understand what he means by that. If you have a relationship where kissing always leads to sex, that's why he doesn't kiss and touch. To him they are a footpath to sex, not just affection in its own right
    Tell him how you feel, but also think about how you would feel if it was the other way around.

    Answer by myheartx4 at 11:40 PM on Mar. 14, 2010

  • OP
    Oh yeah!! He knows it bothers me. I know that he needs time inbetween sex, that is fine and he knows I am fine with it. It isn't like I am tryin to rip his pants off. After sex I feel so much more emotionally connected with him and want to be affectionate towards him as well as he be affectionate towards me. He just says after sex he doesn't feel at all affectionate. He doesn't give much more reason than that.
    After sex it isn't like we don't talk or he acts as if I don't exist, he just doesn't want any touching. The problem is that this time after sex where he doesn't want any loving behaviors can last a day or even several days. I NEED some sort of affectionate touch at least a few times a day. He almost never kisses me unless he knows we are about to have sex.
    It is really bothering me. It makes me feel like a whore. Like he is "using me for sex".

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:41 PM on Mar. 14, 2010

  • I agree you need to tell him that you feel affection is important to you whether or not it leads to sex. A hug doesn't have to lead to sex but it's still important to you.

    Answer by CorrinaWithrow at 11:41 PM on Mar. 14, 2010

  • OP
    I have told him. I have told him many times. I have told him it makes me feel like a whore. I have told him it makes me feel like he is using me. I have told him it makes it seems like he doesn't love me, that he only is loving when he wants something from me.
    I have been offended. I have gone weeks where I refuse to have sex with him because of this. I have rejected his affection because I know he is only acting that way because he wants to get off. An act. That is what it feels like, like he is acting loving to get something from me. I feel like a chick who meets a guy and he is wonderful, loving, all acrossed great guy. Than after he gets in her pants he is no longer interested in her.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:50 PM on Mar. 14, 2010

  • okay we know you are really hurting, unfortunately if you have told him all of this many times, and he refuses to see your side or meet you halfway, you might have to make some tough choices. If he makes you feel like a whore, and that he doesn't love you, why are you hanging on to him. He isn't treating you the way you want to be treated, you feel belittled and sad, you need to choose whether you want to feel like this for the next 50years or if you are going to make some positive changes in your life. Staying in a situation where you feel dirty and used is not marriage, it isn't love and you deserve better.
    RESPECT yourself, and others will follow. Allow yourself to be used like trash and that is how the world will continue to treat you.
    You are a strong woman, with self respect and values, rise to the challenge and expect better for yourself.

    Answer by myheartx4 at 11:57 PM on Mar. 14, 2010

  • No this is not least not in my marriage. My husband kisses, hugs me, slaps my but (lol), etc. daily. We also have sex daily. We've been married for 4.5 years.

    I would suggest some counseling. Many counslers are experienced with sexual health and they could really help you.

    I'm going to be 100% honest....I've never heard of a man that needs to "recooperate" between sex. My husband wants sex again right away when he's just had "mind blowing" (his words not mine) sex.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:11 AM on Mar. 15, 2010

  • I just thought that was normal guy behavior. Do you all mean that your hubby hugs, kisses and touches you and doesn't want sex in return? *this is not OP.*

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:30 AM on Mar. 15, 2010

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