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Natural Moms, can you tell me what your thoughts were while considering adoption about how your child would feel ... Cont

...about growing up with strangers? As an infant, child, teen, and adult? Did you think since we started out with them so early on in life, we'd adapt and adjust? Did you have low self-esteem, and think we'd never miss you?
I'm asking for your experinces in thinking about 'us' as you made our adoption plans to try and understand my mothers thought process. How could she think I'd NOT have missed her?

 
adopteeme

Asked by adopteeme at 4:18 AM on Mar. 15, 2010 in Adoption

Level 16 (3,092 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • In all honesty, I actually bought into the whole "blank slate" theory somewhat. I did figure since she was going to them at birth, it wouldn't harm her.

    If I knew then what I knew now......she would be here with me and her big sister, WHERE SHE BELONGS.

    I can only hope she doesn't hate me for raising her big sis and giving her up. I can only hope that she will understand that I was scared I couldn't do it alone. I really felt that she would be better off getting the love and attention she deserved from strangers than from her over worked and spread to thin mother. If she doesn't understand and hates me, I deserve it. I will deal with that pain. My only desire in life is to see my girls together again and establishing the relationship that my foolish decision denied them.
    randi1978

    Answer by randi1978 at 11:48 PM on Mar. 15, 2010

  • I backed out of adopting my dd out and have always felt badly about keeping her and making her live in poverty. By doing that I cheated her out of opportunities at a good life. I feel awful as a mom for doing that to her. Yes she got to live with me but that wasn't always a good thing. I have BPD and living with me was hell for my kids. I had hoped to give the little one a chance at a normal life. Do we think when we consider adoption? Yes we think of all those things but we weigh the pros and cons and think in the end what's best for the child...or at least your mom did. I backed out bc I did what I thought was best for me and I think I ruined her life. I'll never forgive myself for not allowing her to grow up with some great family who'd give her what I couldn't, a normal life. I think your mom loved you so much she allowed others to give you what she couldn't.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:08 AM on Mar. 15, 2010

  • I believed he would be so young he wouldn't know the difference between me and his amom, and that he would be better off. I also believed that the birth mothers before me had gotten over it and moved on, and that some had even forgotten their children because that was what I was told. Now I know how ridiculous that all was and wonder how I could ever have believed it. I didn't have low self esteem, in fact I was proud of myself and considered myself quite noble. Unbelievable.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 1:33 PM on Mar. 15, 2010

  • my parents divorced when i was like 2. my mom was a blue colar worker , single mom raising 2 girls. father wasn't around, didn't really show interest in his children. we grew up very poor. my mom's 2nd husband was a pervert.
    I felt like my son would be ashamed to grow up poor like i did...felt like he needed a daddy (because I didn't have one) - that he'd WANT a stable home life ... which i didn't have. felt like he'd secretly wish for a better start at life instead of being shackled.
    I was afraid history would repeat itself & yes, had very poor self esteme...adoption agency made sure it was very poor self image as far as mothering. I was afraid that I would screw him up, and that he didn't deserve a crappy mom (like I thought I'd be). felt like NO KID deserved me as a mom...


    JoesGirl

    Answer by JoesGirl at 4:19 PM on Mar. 15, 2010

  • contd... Yes, 16 years ago I believed the Blank Slate theory ... that it did not matter who parents the child, as long as they were loved. I questioned this, but was quickly reassured, that he wouldn't know the difference at all, that adoption has NO negative affects on the child.
    -how he'd feel about being raised by strangers? I didn't recognize them as 'strangers' to him at that time, (again the blank slate theory, and did not consider he would be born w/ a bond, rather than me being a 'stranger' as well.
    I thought he would be happier without me.
    I though he would feel more confident without me.
    I thought he would be able to reach his potential without me holding him back.

    I never considered that HE would actually miss me???!!!??? (until recently as I gain more adoptee friends)

    I always feared that he would hate me for not being good enough to be the mom he deserved.
    JoesGirl

    Answer by JoesGirl at 5:14 PM on Mar. 15, 2010

  • OTT-I also believed that the birth mothers before me had gotten over it and moved on, and that some had even forgotten their children because that was what I was told.

    I can't tell you how many people in my life feel that my son's birth mother will "just forget about him". I ask them if they could "just forget about" their children. As though the "issues" the birth mothers may or may not have take away the memories. I've also been told that birth mothers should "love them enough to let them go". As in, place them and drop out of the picture. It makes me sad.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 6:03 PM on Mar. 15, 2010

  • I was worried he would think he wasn't wanted,thrown away because that is what his father , and all grand parents were doing.I had no choice 33 years ago I was locked away in an agency home.I was told my wanting him was proof I didn't love him in a real way...over and over.So ya I did have such low self esteem by the time he was born I couldn't imagine it would be anything but a relief not to be stuck with such a unwanted low life that didn't really love him as a mother should.

    drfink

    Answer by drfink at 7:38 PM on Mar. 15, 2010

  • ADOPTEEME...HUGS:) I think those of you whom have endured my heart break...know I was so so scared and PANICKED over thinking that they were coming for my 6 yr old. All I KNEW was that I NEEDED to get to Pheonix before noon, or they would take the twins out of the hospital, ans since Jeremy was at school, I was so scared that they would go to the school and he would vanish along with my twins. The last evening with them, I simply told them I loved them with all that I am and will always love them no matter, and no matter where they are...always. After leaving, them is when I MADE MY MIND up to KEEP them. After signing, I was instructed to write them a letter, and the letter was short and very to the point. I , of course do not remember word for word, verbatum...however, I explicitly remember, telling their 'new Mom, that I was only relinquishing them because I could not afford them. I remember telling her that there..
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 12:50 PM on Mar. 16, 2010

  • would never be anyone whom could love them MORE, and the only, reason was because they had money, and 'we' did not. I remember telling her, to; ' please kiss them each day of their lives, and tell them how much I loved them:(" 9 more days, they will be 24 yrs. old...I never thought about anything after that, I have very little memory of the next 2 yrs, actually none. Had ANYBODY told me ANYTHING, about my rights to parent, to counseling, to ANYTHING...I would never have beleived them. To answer your question...NO because I truly beleived that after getting off the phone with SW, I would be calling back home, and asking for money to buy diapers, formula, and clothes...just so I could bring my sons home to meet their big brother.......hugs, C.J.
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 12:55 PM on Mar. 16, 2010