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How can I help my daughter get over her best friend's betraying her?

My daughter is not quite 14. Today, the girl who WAS her best friend told her they were no longer friends. Her reasoning? My daughter 'dresses weirdly' and 'likes strange old music'. She told my daughter that if it came down to a choice between 'weird' and 'popular' she was choosing popular, so bye-bye friendship.

My daughter's 'weird' dress sense is that she wears modest clothing - longer skirts, full-coverage tops and the like. She doesn't dress like a teenage prostitute which seems to be fashionable. Her 'weird' music tastes is that she has a lot of Queen on her mp3 player and doesn't like Gangsta Rap.

I don't hate this other kid - but I'm really disappointed in how she has left my daughter feeling worthless and betrayed. How can I help my daughter to see that her strength in being her own person is a Good Thing?

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Manth

Asked by Manth at 7:25 AM on Mar. 15, 2010 in Teens (13-17)

Level 3 (27 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • You just have to keep encouraging her to be herself. That is such a hard age when it comes to friendships because a lot of girls want to do what everyone else is doing, and not being true to themselves. She is going to feel better about herself as she grows up because she didn't do what others thought was "cool", she did what she liked and believed in. It is going to be hard for her to see that right now, because of the age, and the hurt her friend just put her through, but just be there for her and encourage her to make friends with other girls or guys who share her same interests, ones that aren't concerned about being part of the "popular" crowd.
    fallnangel93

    Answer by fallnangel93 at 7:31 AM on Mar. 15, 2010

  • Be supportive of who she is as a person but she has to learn these coping skills in life. It won't be the first time this is going to happen. She has to know it's ok to be different. Who wants to be a clone of others anyway? I've walked to the beat of a different drum all my life and I like being me. If others don't then that is their problem. I'm a good person and mean no harm to others. I'm ok with that. If others don't share my interest then so be it. The road less traveled is a great road to follow. She will meet many people in life and some will fly in and fly out quickly. Some will stick around for a season and go while few will stay a long time. She has to learn to accept that is the way life is but it gives us opportunities to see what other people the world offers us. It sounds like the girl needed to go anyway. I'd like your dd and I'd hate seeing the girl try to change her. Your dd sounds like she rocks!
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 7:39 AM on Mar. 15, 2010

  • Maybe you could encourage her to do something that she loves. Take up a sport, take an art class, get involved in something that means something to her. It will help strengthen the character she has and that you love, it will reinforce to her that these are valuable qualities, and she will meet other kids with similar interests to her. I think you should still talk to her a bit, but remember that teens often feel like parents just "don't get it" even when they totally do.

    She sounds like a strong independent young woman with a mind of her own, so I think she'll weather through this disappointment and she'll make new friends who appreciate her for who she is.
    beckcorc

    Answer by beckcorc at 8:00 AM on Mar. 15, 2010

  • What happened with her friend is a lesson in itself, tell her about true friendship and how this girl has nothing to offer her and she is better off without her. Tell her that who she is and portrayes herself as is what makes her unique and apart from the others. She doesn't have to change a thing, just make better judgement in picking her friends.
    older

    Answer by older at 8:19 AM on Mar. 15, 2010

  • I had a best friend just like that when I was 13. We "Broke up" because she didn't like the same things as we used to. She as well tried to fit in with the popular crowd. Tell your daughter not to worry about her ex-friend, and that she will find other true friendships by just being the person she already is, and the other girl will probably have trouble keeping her friends around too long. She will probably get left behind, just like she left your daughter behind. Your daughter is probably better off. : )
    Rachel24517

    Answer by Rachel24517 at 8:28 AM on Mar. 15, 2010

  • The same thing happened to my daughter last year, though her friend didn't even bother to tell her - she just stopped inviting my daughter over and always had something to do when my daughter invited her. We are still struggling with trying to get her "out there" again to make new friends that will be true. I feel that she is afraid to leave herself vulnerable to that sort of disappointment again. I am trying to get her involved in activities without much luck, and we make sure she feels special in our family so she at least has an emotionally safe place to be. My daughter seems happy enough, but she doesn't really have any close friends right now. I am hoping going to high school next year will give her a fresh start. I don't really have any great suggestions. I just wanted to let you know your daughter is not alone.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:23 AM on Mar. 15, 2010

  • I'd give her a big hug and tell her that SHE did nothing wrong and it is always best to be your own person be true to yourself and who you are-- and not be some mindless follow the pack and trends sheep. I would also tell her that is a very shallow way to pick friends, you need to accept friends for WHO they are inside, not what they look like on the outside. I hope your daughter will see that in the long run she is better off without this person, and there are plenty of good friends out there who will see her for who she is.
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 9:29 AM on Mar. 15, 2010

  • Wow I know that feeling all too well. When I was in high school, my SUPPOSED best friend went to "talk" to my boyfriend for me because we were in a fight. Come to find out she was making out with him the whole time and they later had sex in a similar situation. Then she had the nerve to come up to ME and say she didn't want to be my friend anymore because I was pyscho for getting mad about that! I know your daughter isn't going to understand it now, but anyone who would do something like that is not worth being friends with in the first place. She will find plenty of people in this world who will like her for who she is and that she shouldn't feel bad about this girl doing this...in the end the only one who is going to be sorry is the other girl because if she keeps treating people this way, she's never going to have any REAL friends at all.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:45 AM on Mar. 15, 2010

  • Explain to her that the other girl is the one with the real inner problem. It will hurt for a while, but in the end, your daughter will be better off without such shallow people in her life.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:50 AM on Mar. 15, 2010

  • I have a daughter who is 14 and has been through this with girls and boys for different reasons. ALL you really can do is talk to her and be supportive. I try to be very picky about who my daughter hangs out with. The first sign of trouble and that is it. There are so many kids out there who can lead your child to doing things they know they aren't supposed to do. I feel sorry for the kids who act up because they just don't have the guidance at home that they deserve, but you can 't let your child be sacrificed.
    Shellness

    Answer by Shellness at 11:15 AM on Mar. 15, 2010

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