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So DH told SD... Who's right?

My DH told my SD (15) that we are separating. Things have been going south with us for a long time, for a lot of reasons- mainly his lack of parenting SD or DD, his lack of helping me out with housework (or anything, really), plus we both have personal issues.
Another reason is that I hate my SD's BM. She is abusive, manipulative, & completely irresponsible. I am SD's *real* mom, because we can't count on BM for sh*t. I can't stand the fact that I am doing everything she should be doing, but she will always get all the credit & I will always be "just the stepmom". I am very ashamed of this. I don't like feeling this way, but I honestly don't know how to get over it. I had told my DH once, and I asked him not to repeat it to anyone because I am so ashamed & embarrassed of it.
(cont. below)

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:35 AM on Mar. 16, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (7)

  • I agree with Fuznet- Your husband was SO Wrong to say that to your SD- I am a step-mom that raised both of my SS's with their BM having Very little to do with anything in their life- She could go months without even calling to see how they were doing- The few times a year she wanted to be "Mom of the Year" it was very frustrating & would really piss me off, but i knew when they got older they would realize i was the Constant in their life- and now that they are grown they come to me with whatever is going on in their life b/c in their eyes i am Mom- Believe me, i know how hard it is to sit back and watch someone Take the Credit, but your SD knows who is her Constant & nomatter what happens between you & her Dad she will Always be Thankful for You- Just let her know none of this is her fault & you will always be there for her whenever she needs you- Wishing you lots of luck- Take Care
    daisyb

    Answer by daisyb at 11:40 PM on Mar. 16, 2010

  • (OP, cont.)
    So DH told SD that we are separating within the next 2 weeks. She asked why, and he told her that he had messed up & I had too much anger to forgive him (which is pretty much true, but the way he said it made me sound like I'm horrible, but anyway), and that we had too many issues to deal with to live together. She asked what kind of issues, & he told her that I couldn't handle the fact that her mom was going to get all the credit for my work with her.
    I am MORTIFIED that he told her. I don't think I'm going to be able to look her in the face, because it's such a shallow thing. It's not even one of the main reasons why we are separating, so IDK why he even told her! Also, I feel that a child should not be involved in our marital problems. He said it was because he didn't want to lie to her.
    So who's right?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:39 AM on Mar. 16, 2010

  • You are right and how dare he burden a child with his personal problems. He is wrong but there is nothing you can do about his actions now.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:40 AM on Mar. 16, 2010

  • She's his daughter. He's right.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:41 AM on Mar. 16, 2010

  • At 15 the child has the right to know why the parents are divorcing and it would have been wrong of him to lie. And let me just add from experiecne you phobia of being just the stepmom is compeletly off base if you are really that big of her life. My (half) brother considers my mom to be his mom even though she is not the birth mom (she had joint custody but he hated going there bc she was mean and nuts) to the point that my brother almost punched the pastor at his wedding for insinuating that as a stepmom she shouldn't be involved in the unity candle (the mom is supposed to light the kids candle and the bride and groom light the main candle together btw), But back to the questiion, he is right she should know why you are seperating. Hiding it from a teen (or telling them lies) will just hurt his relationship with her.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:49 AM on Mar. 16, 2010

  • Definitly him liyng to your child about why you seperate is wrong and will make the child insecure about the possibilty that she did something to cause it. (trust me it sounds silly but teens are really insecure when it comes to divorce/seperation). You need to get over it and stop being jealous of her birth mom.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:52 AM on Mar. 16, 2010

  • Ignore the posters above. You are not separating from your husband because you are only your SD's step mom. It was wrong of him to burden her with that. Way to drag her into something and make her feel unnecessary guilt. Your DH needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own action instead of trying to find a way to blame others.

    Please tell her otherwise don't let her walk around with that guilt. Tell her how much you love her and wish she was your daughter and that is impossible can be frustrating for you at times but has nothing to do with why you are seperating.
    FuzNet

    Answer by FuzNet at 2:04 AM on Mar. 16, 2010

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