Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

My birth-mother found me on Facebook a couple days ago and I am freeking out about it a bit. Any advice????

I am 33 and we have met before but were never close. Been out of touch for about 10 years. She claims to be looking for information regarding my birth-father (who I have NEVER met) as of the last evening. I want to see her and him and my two half-sisters, nieces and nephews but I am also scared about opening that part of me again.

Answer Question
 
truthteller0722

Asked by truthteller0722 at 4:11 AM on Mar. 16, 2010 in Adoption

Level 19 (6,797 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • whew, birth mom contact is HUGE. how old are you? have you ever had any contact with her before now?
    sati769leigh

    Answer by sati769leigh at 4:13 AM on Mar. 16, 2010

  • your mom is your mom, just do it! open your heart you will survive if you have faith that God loves you!
    mommymadness30

    Answer by mommymadness30 at 4:23 AM on Mar. 16, 2010

  • You are the only one who can make the choice to let her into your life or not. Then just tell her how your decision

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 5:48 AM on Mar. 16, 2010

  • Only you can make the dission to open you heart to them. When I was 27 I found my birthmother and we are very close to this day. It can be scary. For me I was glad I got to know her and my half brothers and Grandpa. It has been such a blessing to have them in my life and my kids life. Good luck on what you decide to do. If you need to talk just PM me. I will gladly try and answer or help you out if you need.

    Raeann11

    Answer by Raeann11 at 9:51 AM on Mar. 16, 2010

  • She got in contact with you to find your FATHER? Did she mention having a visit with you at all? If so, I say jump on it and try your best to get over your nerves. Better to be nervous for a while, then kick yourself in the butt for it forever. If she didn't mention it, then I say wait it out. If you rush in, you might get hurt. Just saying.
    Shlamoof

    Answer by Shlamoof at 10:41 AM on Mar. 16, 2010

  • I don't know why she chose FB to contact you again but perhaps it was a buffer,excuse distant way to test the waters after being out of contact for so long.I am a birthmother to a 33 year old son that I have never met and can't imagine walking away if I ever got the chance.Maybe she regrets being out of contact for so long.Perhaps you could use FB as a tool to keep a little distance while yall 'talk' and see what is going on with her now.I understand not wanting to be hurt so maybe ease into it through FB. Take care.

    drfink

    Answer by drfink at 1:21 PM on Mar. 16, 2010

  • You can always decide to take it slowly. Set what you are comfortable with. Know she may not respond the way you would like but at least you tried what you are comfortably willing to do. You are in control of you and she is in control of her choices. All you can do is respond in a way in which you are most comfortable. That means draw some clear and specific guidelines. She certainly is trying to establish a connection with you. It may not be in the way you would have liked it but it is there. The one thing I caution: the birthfather carrot. Do you want to make the connection because you truly want to have some sort of contact or relationship? Or do you want contact because your main goal is finding your birthfather and his family? I have seen where one birthmother did hold that carrot of the biological father over her child, knowing that is what motivated her daughter to have ongoing contact.

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 11:36 PM on Mar. 16, 2010

  • Be clear with yourself what you want first. Even if you don't know yet yourself, what are you willing to do right now? That doesn't mean it can't change. Then tell her, "Right now I am comfortable with.... but later I could go further." If you are very interested in your birthfather and searching offer to help. If she is truly wanting that for both of you then hopefully two people searching can speed up the process. Certainly she can offer more information. Or if you don't feel comfortable at this time and don't really want to connect further than occasional e-mails or what have you - be honest. Say what you are looking for and let it be out there. In a nice way. I would also state that (if this is how you feel) that you could be open to more later but for now this is what you are willing to give and do.  Given time and care you could develope that close relationship or a healthy relationship in general.

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 11:44 PM on Mar. 16, 2010

  • mommymadness.... I am sorry but I do not agree with your statement. I am a BM (placed my son at birth in Jan) and I know that by making that decision that I am risking him one day deciding that he would rather live his life without me in it (its an OA) Just because her "mother" gave birth to her does not automatically give her any rights to her. If the OP is scared of meeting her BM, she should have ever right to decide not to! At least thats my opinion...

    OP... if you are uncomfortable meeting up with her again and opening yourself up, then dont do it. She knew the risk she was taking when she chose to place you but she did it anyways. When I made that chose for my BS I knew the risk I was taking. Although I hope that he wants me to remain in his life, I will completely understand if he makes the decision to walk away from me
    Jaydin_Makenna

    Answer by Jaydin_Makenna at 11:58 AM on Mar. 17, 2010

  • I would do it! I was given up for adoption when I was 4. I went from foster home to foster home until I was 8. I met my adoptive parents then. I was legally adopted at age 10. They in turn gave me back up to the state when I was 14. Being as I was given up for adoption, I couldn't get any info on my BM. The state couldn't give my BM any info on me either. I was in contact with my BB who knew where my mother was but could not tell me. Then, 4 days after my 17th birthday, I got a phone call that my BM had passed away that day. One year until I got to meet her. I think that you are extremely lucky and only wish I had the opportunity that you have. GO FOR IT!!!!
    kristiewyble

    Answer by kristiewyble at 6:44 PM on Mar. 17, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.

Next question in Adoption
Surrogacy

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN