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Need advice--please serious help only

difficult to completely explain, but I have been in a relationship with a man 12 years younger than me for the past 4 years. We bought a house, he has met my kids and they love him. As of January he ended our relationship stating my age made him feel like he was just being added to a life I already had and that I was in denial needing something more that he couldn't provide. He has no worked in a year as he is in the construction industry. He is bored with life and feels he is going no where. After his decision to end our relationship he began clinging to his past fraternity relationships and college friends as if his life depended on it. He can't let go of the past college days and is unable to move on to something new because of it. He has finally admitted that he still has feelings for me, but doesn't feel we can work. I feel he is shutting me out because I am not from his past. What can I do?

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Nemico

Asked by Nemico at 3:09 PM on Mar. 18, 2010 in Relationships

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • i say find someone your own age..he sounds VERY young if he is clinging to frat brothers..like early 20's..hmm he doesnt sound very mature and maybe he was right about you wanting something he cant provide? idk but some one that much younger isnt ready for what you want..a man to be there possibly forever? i say move on hes a little boy.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:12 PM on Mar. 18, 2010

  • i hate to say this but maybe it is time for you to move on...Men never seem to grow up so I can't say that he has some growing up to do. 12 years can mean a lot depending on your ages. Is he in his 20's? if so then yes he probably does have some maturing to do - and he sounds depressed. If you are a Christian -I would say pray about it.
    New2Florida

    Answer by New2Florida at 3:13 PM on Mar. 18, 2010

  • Actually he is 30years old...so it's not a matter of him being in his 20's. I should have included that sorry.
    Nemico

    Answer by Nemico at 3:14 PM on Mar. 18, 2010

  • I'm sorry to hear your problem. I am a firm believer in therapy. It sounds like you may have a little bit of a self esteem issue. You sound like a very intelligent, indepentant woman. If this man in too insecure to have such an age gap, but aso loves you... see if you can get into couples therapy. It has saved my marriage on more than issue!
    momsays

    Answer by momsays at 3:16 PM on Mar. 18, 2010

  • I have just gotten to the point that I almost pretend like I don't know he still has feelings and I am making plans to just start my own life. I am looking for a place of my own and letting him keep the house as it's in his name due to me not wanting to be on the loan. (one good decision I made in hindsight) The problem with that though is when he sees me starting to make plans or we have a conversation about it he ends up crying or creating more issues to keep me at his side. I am tempted to just bluntly confront his with the fact that I know what is going on even if he wants to deny it, but I'm not sure that is the right choice. He won't even consider counseling.
    Nemico

    Answer by Nemico at 3:24 PM on Mar. 18, 2010

  • AWW...sounds like not working is really hitting him hard. Hes clinging to the last time he was happy outside of your relationship! You should probably just give him his space...let him try to work it out on his own...i dont see how you could really change what hes feeling right now...you could definitely just try to be really supportive if anything..be a friend and nothing more..and if you want to when hes ready (if he doesnt take his sweet ol time) maybe he'll snap out of it and realize hes a grown up now and life is hard...and you guys can hop back on the band wagon together....I think men have such a hard time when they realize their "prime" is over!! You have a couple of options on your own..what you decide is on you...but sit and think if hes REALLY worth the wait!
    sweetstkissez22

    Answer by sweetstkissez22 at 3:28 PM on Mar. 18, 2010

  • He's manipulating you. Time for you to move on, and throw him back in the pond. He's not a big enough fish for you yet. Maybe he will be someday but he's not now.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 5:17 PM on Mar. 18, 2010

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