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weird relationship between my SO's mom and his ex

My SO's mother is always talking crap about his ex (they have been broken up for like 7 years now), anyways, the other day my SO was looking at the pictures on his brother's phone and came across pictures of his ex at his mom's house with her other kid. His mom is always denying that she is allowed in the house, whatever though, I could care less. But, the thing is, his mom is always doing things for his ex that make her life easier, how much easier can it get?! She's only a part time mom...She gets their son on weekends if she doesn't have anything more important to do. It bothers me that his mom is doing all this stuff to make her life easier (his ex) but in the process is making stuff harder for us, and straining the relationship between us all. How do I approach this?

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Asked by Anonymous at 3:25 PM on Mar. 18, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (6)
  • You don't... what his Mom does is none of your business as long as it doesn't directly affect you. She can be friends with and do favors for whomever she wants to, the same as you and I can.
    Most of us "tolerate" someone so that we're not out of our families lives (meaning her grandchild/ren) and we go out of our way to keep the peace because it's what we feel like we need to do. I have never once spoken an unkind word about my ex sister in law out of respect for my niece and nephew, and if she called me today I'd help her even tho she can't keep me from the kids anymore. Not because I like her or care for her, but because she's their Mother and I do care for them.

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 3:33 PM on Mar. 18, 2010

  • OP here- It is affecting us, it's causing a lot of tension between my SO and his mother, and her and I. I don't care if his mom and her are friends or doing favors for each other, but when it affects the way that we are parenting in our home and causes issues here, maybe I should have explained it better, but something has to happen, because it's causing problems in OUR home.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:45 PM on Mar. 18, 2010

  • "but when it affects the way that we are parenting in our home " - how?
    is this a case of you are letting something bother you, so it's affecting your house?
    I have a SIL like that- she didn't like this or that about me, most of which wasn't even any of her business- claimed that I was 'causing drama' for her and her household- so I much really be a terrible person for hurting her kids like that-

    I'm afraid you may have to tell us more-
    how is someone having a friendship with your SO's ex affecting your parenting?

    are you sure you aren't just letting the situation get to you?
    "my SO was looking at the pictures on his brother's phone" was he snooping? did the brother hand him the phone?

    guess I would need more info if you want suggestions

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:58 PM on Mar. 18, 2010

  • I don't know what's going on but here's the deal.
    In MY home, or in anyone else's, I parent my children however I see fit and nothing my MIL or anyone else could ever say or do would affect that as long as I'm not beating them or abusing them in any way.
    It sounds like YOU are letting it affect your home, not her forcing it. My house my rules is my motto here.
    Even in homes where there's step parents... each house should have rules that are enforced.

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 4:15 PM on Mar. 18, 2010

  • She probably feels sorry for her ex-DIL. Misplaced guilt over something? Who knows.

    What I do know is that you can't control your MIL. You don't want to. Should she be doing for the ex? No. It's wrong, I absolutely agree with you. It agitates the situation in a needless manner. Will she understand that? No, she'll likely choose not to get it.

    If anything, have your husband tell her about the photo on Bro's phone (you do realize that means that not only was ex there, but bro was there, too. Were they having a party to which you weren't invited? Idiots.) and call her out on the lying aspect. I wouldn't bother trying to get her to see the error of her ways, she just won't see it from your perspective.

    Honestly? Most people who aren't in the step-life don't get it.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:29 PM on Mar. 18, 2010

  • thank you anon 29. his brother is actually handicap, so he lives with their mom.

    to everyone else, it is my home and my rules, but when the ex and the mom are running around going against everything that my SO and i do here, it makes it hard, maybe you don't get it, ohh well, i'm not going to go into mass details. and to the anon that thinks my SO was snooping, no he wasn't, he asked to see his brothers phone so he could look at his pictures.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:10 PM on Mar. 19, 2010

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