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Birthmoms/ first moms - I need your advice (sort of an OA crisis)

We went last weekend to visit my DD's bmom. We were waiting for her at her mom's house, and she showed up high on meth. Her family confronted her about this and some of the things she was doing, and there was a lot of yelling and cussing - all this in front of my two small kids, her son, and her little nephew. The whole ordeal lasted several hours. I would have left with my kids to get a hotel room, but didn't feel good about leaving her sister there alone with her and their two kids.

I called her mom yesterday to thank her for having us, and to ask her to let us know when R is clean so we can see her again. She said that she thinks it's better if R doesn't see "our" daughter until she is more stable. The rest of the family thinks that she's been having setbacks after every visit the last few years, and they think she's better off not seeing DD. (continued)


Asked by Iamgr8teful at 9:45 PM on Mar. 18, 2010 in Adoption

Level 25 (23,279 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (16)
  • I haven't been able to answer before now, but have given this a great deal of thought. Iamgr8teful, you have the biggest heart ever and I know that you want exactly what is best for your DD and her first mom. It is a hard struggle when you have known someone before addiction & then to watch in disbelief and/or denial that this person whom you love could possibly have entangled themselves in something so destructive as she is doing. Add to this that she seems to "spiral" when she sees DD and you have a hard decision to make. I agree with R's mom that she needs to be clean for at least a year before she sees DD again. This is not a punishment, it's giving R the time she needs to get clean. Beating meth is almost impossible. Can be done, but EXTREMELY difficult. It would be better for DD & her first mom if you could give her the chance to do this on her own. I hear you wanting to ease her pain. You cannot do that at DD's expense.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 1:22 AM on Mar. 21, 2010

  • I'd like to continue to have contact by phone meanwhile, then be able to see each other again face-to-face when she's clean. I would think it would be worse for her not to see DD. Her mom said she may not tell her when we come visit for at least a year even if she gets clean. I don't have a phone number or address for her, so there's nothing I can do about it.

    The other thing is that nobody has heard from her since we talked with her on the phone the morning after this happened. We are all worried about her, that she may try to harm herself. This is not who she is. She is not herself right now. I want her to know that she is a good and valuable person. I don't know what to do.

    I directed the ? to bmoms, but welcome any input as long as there are no remarks about how she deserved to lose her kids, etc.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 9:49 PM on Mar. 18, 2010

  • As a birthmom...honestly, if her mom says she gets worse every time she sees your DD, why keep pushing her? I'd back off, keep contact with the birthgrandparents, and go from there - let them decide when it would be okay to maybe try to see her again.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:00 PM on Mar. 18, 2010

  • well truthfully i think grandma is using tough love to try to get her clean. have you ever watched the show intervention? i think it comes on a&e. they have alot of situations similar to this (like the mom is a user and someone else has the kids, etc. but usually it's the grandparents or the spouse). it's really good bc it shows different perspectives of what they're going through. i know you think it's important for the kid to see her birthmother, but you have to also take into account what condition the birthmother is in and how she is acting. i think it's a good idea for yall to have an intervention with her and lay down the rules.... if she doesn't get clean she can't spend time with her daughter. i know it sounds mean but it's for her own good and your daughter's too. i really hope she gets clean...... gl

    Answer by princessbeth79 at 10:04 PM on Mar. 18, 2010

  • I would stop personal visits for the sake of DD unless bmom gets clean. However I think keeping correspondence up is an excellent idea for mother bmom and adoptee.

    Answer by onethentwins at 11:31 PM on Mar. 18, 2010

  • Yes, we will not have personal visits until she is clean. The part that bothers me is that we may not be able to see her even after she is clean. We will continue with the letters and pictures (currently every three months), and we would be very happy if she calls us. I am extremely sad about this. I think of her as my sister. I wish there was more I could do to help. All I can do is pray for her and keep my word.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 11:35 PM on Mar. 18, 2010

  • Iamgr8teful, HUGS to you, this, I can tell, is not easy for you , and the only thing, you did wrong, IMHO, is you should have left with DD, several hours earlier, regardless how much your feeling are for first mom, and her family. This is your daughter here, and this was not "healthy' fo her to endure...JMO! You probably know how strongly I feel about being a First Mom, and about adoption in and unto itself,so I do not take it lightly that a Mom leave the visitation...after all it is about our child...however this includes keeping them protected from seeing their firstmom, doing damage to herself. If I were strung out on drugs, I would NOT want my child to see me that way, plain and simple. Now, as to Grandma answering for her, YOU have good enough judgement, GRANDMA, doesn't get to say, WHAT IT IS, that upsets or doesn't upset her daughter, she can't possibly know, especially in an angry situation, MHO, Blessings, C.J.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 10:08 AM on Mar. 19, 2010

  • You have of course made the right decision. I do feel for the birth mother addiction to meth whew then a vicious cycle of feeling guilty and then wanting relief, that is tough.Absolutely though your children can not be exposed to that.I do feel your relationship with her is not based on her mothers wishes.You don't have the same relationship with her that her mom has.Your relationship is based on your daughter--that's your guide.I agree keep the communication open,it works for everyone.Maybe one day prayers will come true and seeing her daughter will be a motivating factor,a reward maybe,for staying clean and she can have the relationship that is best for your daughter.


    Answer by drfink at 3:41 PM on Mar. 19, 2010

  • Maybe you should give her your address and social security number.

    (sorry for the sarcasm but answer is related to the question about this)

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:54 PM on Mar. 19, 2010

  • Ceejay, I know you are right, and we should have left when it all started. I suggested to my husband that we leave and get a hotel (we were staying at "Grandma L's"), but he thought she'd leave soon. I was concerned about leaving R's sister there alone with her without a male presence. It wasn't bad enough to call the police, but I was concerned that the confrontation might get violent if we left them alone. Their parents were gone at the time. We know we need to get a hotel from now on so we have a place to go if there is family conflict. We will still visit with the rest of the birthfamily until R gets clean and it's healthy to see her again.

    Drfink, I've been thinking the exact same thing you said, that the relationship is with R, and not her mom. Unfortunately I don't have any way to contact her right now, so if her mom doesn't tell her we're coming there's nothing we can do.

    Thanks to all of you for your input.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 5:43 PM on Mar. 20, 2010