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Am I in the wrong here?

recentely I had a discussion with a family member that really left me upset and confused. Its a very long story so I am going to simplify it a bit.
when I was younger I was caught in a bad relationship. very abusive and my b/f at the time had started heavy into drugs. any how I left him, but then found out that I was pregnant.
I tried to hide it from him but alas we live in a small town and word got around, so i tried to lie and tell him it wasn't his....he didn't fall for it, but he did say that he didn't want anything to do with my baby if I wasn't going to be with him....flash forward almost 8 years....now he wants to see my son....for the past 7 years of his life he has known my husband as his daddy and there is no way in hell that i'm taking that from him. my family member this that his bio. dad has some right to be in his life.i disagree. being a daddy is earned,. am in the wrong,,,because i don't want him near my son

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:53 AM on Mar. 19, 2010 in General Parenting

Answers (38)
  • You are soooo totally right. Being a daddy is earned! And it sounds like he has come no where close! You are trying to protect your son and his emotions which comes way before pleasing this low life.

    Tell your family that!
    mom2twobabes

    Answer by mom2twobabes at 8:58 AM on Mar. 19, 2010

  • If it were me, and your son knows your husband as Daddy, and the bio dad has had nothing to do with him... I would tell him to "step-off".

    Let him take you to court to fight for his rights.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:58 AM on Mar. 19, 2010

  • Here's my thoughts. One day your son is going to be an adult, an adult who can do whatever he pleases. He may find this out on his own and be very, very hurt that you lied to him. I understand right now that it is a protection mechanism and so I hope that you don't think I am bashing you in anyway, because I am not. My mom left my dad because he was a drug user, and I didn't see him again until I was 22 and everything that she said that he was, was true; not a man I wanted around my own children, unfortunately for him, he never did clean his act up in 27 years. I hope that you find a way to tell him gently, he will have LOTS of questions, he may be angry and hurt, or he may think nothing of it because he has a wonderful man in his life that IS his daddy.
    MamaRoberts

    Answer by MamaRoberts at 9:02 AM on Mar. 19, 2010

  • i really never thought about him trying to take me to court...could he do that???? he never signed the birth certificate...my husband did.....i don't think that he would have the money to fight me. since it all goes to drugs, but thats something new to now worry about.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:06 AM on Mar. 19, 2010

  • I totally agree with you, but if taken to court they will see his rights as a father, although he was never one. Your son has a right to know the truth someday you should tell him his fathers story, but only when you think he is ready.
    older

    Answer by older at 9:09 AM on Mar. 19, 2010

  • He can take you to court for a court ordered paternity test to show that he is biological father which leads to supervised visitation and then further if it can be agreed on, but if he can't even get himself cleaned up (and that is a stipulation you can put in) then I wouldn't worry too much. I think though....your husband could be in trouble if he signed the birth certificate because that in a sense is fraud, but that would only happen if bio did take this to the court.
    MamaRoberts

    Answer by MamaRoberts at 9:10 AM on Mar. 19, 2010

  • my husband did it to protect my son...so he wouldn't have to know that he wan't his "real" daddy. He didn't have to do it...he didn't have to take my son and treat him like his own...but he didn't care. he has always said that he was meant to be his daddy, and thats why god sent him to me. i dont think that its fair to take my son from a stable enviroment to one where there is drugs, alchol, violence.....i risked everything, gave up everything to make sure my baby would be safe and protected, and I just can't believe that after almost a decade he comming into our lives and trying to destroy everything...the sad thing is he doesn't care a thing about my son...this is just a control thing for him. I asked him..."When is YOUR SON'S birthday?" he had no clue,,and he said that he didn't care...quote" I'm just gonna make your life hell. bitch."

    i hope that if this does go to court that they will see him for what he truly is.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:20 AM on Mar. 19, 2010

  • Well, legally I guess your family member is correct-but ethically and morally you are correct. Sorry to hear of your situation. The best thing you can do is protect your son as best you can and when he is older you can tell him the truth and why you did what you did. Best of luck to you.
    soyousay

    Answer by soyousay at 9:27 AM on Mar. 19, 2010

  • Legally, he does have a right. Morally, you are correct, but, we do not legislate morals in this country, thank God.
    bellaamore

    Answer by bellaamore at 9:34 AM on Mar. 19, 2010

  • I'm sorry to hear about the situation this man has put you in. There is no legal issue about your husband signing the birth certificate, it is just simply saying that he is taking the responsibility of the child. Where I live the father doesn't even SIGN the birth certificate! If anything, having your husband sign the birth certificate will only help down the road if the ex does decide to take you court. In which case, as the PP said, he can get a paternity test and gain visits through the court because he is the bio dad. He doesn't really sound the type to take the legal route though, or have the money to hire a lawyer. And his threat would make me very uneasy, if I would you I would get a restraining order against him and try my best to keep him out of your lives. However, you would be better off explaining the situation to your son even if the ex never does get visitation. It's better he hears it from you.
    Slinkee

    Answer by Slinkee at 9:35 AM on Mar. 19, 2010

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