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Blending a family ... any tips

My husband and I have a combined 5 children ranging from 18 months to 13 years old. We are stuck on the yours/mine issue, and I don't know how to transition into "ours." I know I am not their mother, but I am also not a nanny or a chauffeur. He is not the father of mine, but he is not a coach. I know it can be done, just ... HOW?

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Asked by Momma914 at 12:10 PM on Mar. 19, 2010 in General Parenting

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Answers (3)
  • Slowly. First there needs to be a family meeting about everyone being on the same team. Outline family rules and consequences that will apply to everyone. Explain that both parents are equally in charge and that you will no longer be using the terms yours and mine... they will be ours. Both of you stop calling the kids your step kids can call them your kids. All of them. Affection helps. Start slowly with quick hugs, pet names ect. It takes time and you have to want to do it, you also have to present a united front to all the kids. Another thing that helps is creating time to spend with each child even if its for something as silly as a run to the store. Asking one of the kids if they want to go along just you and them, creates a chance to bond a little.
    Between us we have 5 as well. 20 to 10. Love them all and it will work out. Good Luck Momma

    Answer by lildudesmomma at 12:31 PM on Mar. 19, 2010

  • Honestly, this will always be a struggle. My advice would just be to try to be thankful for what you have and live day by day...if you try to make "rules" you will constantly be making exceptions and arguing...just try to stay positive and accept that this will be a constant challenge, just try to be great role models for the children and teach them that they are now a FAMILY. Plan a lot of family-type outings together, have lots of board game nights and always eat dinner together! (when possible)...and don't expect it to ever totally work. Just keep smiling!

    Answer by stepmom929 at 12:41 PM on Mar. 19, 2010

  • I grew up as one of 5 - my stepdad has 2 boys before he married my mom, my mom had me, my sister, and my brother. But as far as I'm concerned, I have 3 brothers, 1 sister, and 2 parents. There was no yours/mine. My parents went out of their way to make sure everything was completely equal, so much as it was in their power (my 2 brothers grandparents gave them tons of gifts that we didn't get - my father and grands had passed away). But the rules, privileges, responsibilities were all the same for all of us. We never saw our parents argue - they presented a united front at all times. When we asked to do something, go somewhere, etc we were always told "we'll talk about it" so they had time to talk together and come to a decision jointly. My stepdad was as good to me and loves me as much as anybody else's bio dad - and that's what made it work!

    Answer by missanc at 12:53 PM on Mar. 19, 2010

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