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Why do I feel like i'm breaking up with my daughter?

Since her graduation, my 18 year old daughter has made some very foolish decisions concerning her friends, college and money to name a few. We are very close. We go to the movies, shopping, we have even started playing sand volleyball together. So, these decisions hurt and upset me everytime I learn something new that she has done. I feel like I need to take a step back and just let her live her life. The only reason these things upset me so bad is becuse I know about them. If I remove myself from the situation I feel like I would be able to see her differently. I would still be here for her and she will be welcome to the house any time she wants, but i think It's best if I just don't know EVERYTHING. If she was wanting advice then of course I want to know, but at this point in her life that the last thing she wants, especially from me.

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Asked by Anonymous at 10:50 PM on Mar. 19, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (11)
  • My dd and I are close and I never felt like I was breaking up with her when she decided to find her fate in life. I was thrilled for her and the adventure she was about to embark upon.

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:52 PM on Mar. 19, 2010

  • Doesn't every kid make mistakes at this age. I know I did. Just try to keep her from making life altering mistakes (drugs, bad marriage, kids too early, or being arrested), And as long as the foundation is good, most kids avoid these things, which it sounds like it is, you will be fine. Hang in there Mom you are about to come out the other side. When your kids suddenly understand everything you have done, and truly come to appreciate you. I know I did at about 24, You made it this far you can make it the rest of the way. GL

    Answer by FuzNet at 10:59 PM on Mar. 19, 2010

  • all teens do at that age...i did, you did everyone does it's how we learn to survive in this world alone..we learn from our mistakes. when you talk to her about this say "this is my opinion" give a suggestion but don't tell her what to do since she is an adult, she needs to learn how to make the good choices in life

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:43 AM on Mar. 20, 2010

  • I have twin 20 yr old sons and I don't know the full extent of what is going on in their lives because they are adults now. I listen when they come to me for advice and give what I consider the advice they are looking for. I bring the "hammer down", if you will, when I feel like they may be heading down a path that could be destructive to their current career paths. I love them unconditionally and let them live their own lives independant of their father and I.
    Having done this, my sons still talk to me. Still let me know what's going on, just not EVERYTHING that's going on. I know my oldest twin, who is away at college, had a "GREAT" first year in school socially. I just don't know everything because I don't want the details. His brother is home going through the local law enforcement training course. He's got a very boring life thus far, but when he moves out I don't want the details.

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 8:46 AM on Mar. 20, 2010

  • Two good quotes of yours: 


    just let her live her life


    It's best if I just don't know EVERYTHING.


     Focus your energies on you now. She is moving on as so should you.


    Answer by Anonymous at 9:28 AM on Mar. 20, 2010

  • I have to agree with the other moms, sometimes it feels wonderful to be so close like friends, but the truth is your not her friend. And what you don't know can't hurt you.. As long as she is not in physical danger or in danger of breaking the law, these are her mistakes and she has to make them and learn from them. ALWAYS be there and help pick up the pieces, thats the mom job!!

    Answer by wallmom1 at 11:42 AM on Mar. 20, 2010

  • I have no problem letting her live her life, but she gets herself into financial trouble and i feel like I should help her out and then i get resentful because the way she moved out was not good. That's why I feel like if i step away I wouldn't know that she is behind on her car ins and may lose her car. I want to help her but I feel like I would be enabling her bad financial decisions.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:38 PM on Mar. 20, 2010

  • NO, She gets herself into financial trouble.....SHE GETS HERSELF OUT of financial trouble!!! She is an adult! She has created her own mess and needs to be adult and deal with it herself!!! You need to LET GO and LET HER GROW UP and TAKE ADULT RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER MESSES!!!! T

    The worst thing you can do is bail her out every time she makes a mistake. She has to learn that actions have consequences.  So stop bailing her out.  She's got to figure out that life requires one to pull up their "big girl panties" and get responsible for one's own choices.   She has chosen to get behind on her insurance.  She has to figure out how to get out from under that.


    Answer by twinsplus2more at 5:29 PM on Mar. 20, 2010

  • So far I have not bailed her out of anything .Mostly because she does;t know that I know. I have bought her a few groceries here and there and she works at a dr's office so i have bought her two scrub tops, but that's it. i refuse to help her with money, but it is so hard! Even though she has been selfish and foolish she is still my daughter and i love her so. I just want to scoop her up and fix everything for her even though she has not even ever asked me for a penny.

    Thank you all for your encouraging words and advice. I don't have many friends with adult children and it's hard fo find friends who understand. :)

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:59 PM on Mar. 20, 2010

  • You are most welcome. The hardest thing that we do as parents is allow our children to fail, pick themselves up, and learn from that failure. It makes them better adults and us better parents when we do that though.


    Answer by twinsplus2more at 8:53 PM on Mar. 20, 2010

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