Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Is he being selfish or am I ?

Me & my husband have always had an agreement ( we both wanted it) that I will stay home with our kids until they go to school, and then i can start my career or whatever then. He has a good job, and all the bills are payed and we have some extra after that ( after the bills are paid) ... But he has always been tight with the money -- there was a point where we had almost $1000 extra/month but yet he would never let me have any of it...If I ever needed money 9 unless a special occasion) I would clean my g-mas house or something and they would give it me.

So I started taking care of a friends 2 kids during the week and I get 400/month isnt like I planned on blowing it all on things like makeup or stuff for myself... I wanted to buy a new table to the dining room ( I can get payments for $25/month for the table), I did want to buy like a couple pairs of pants because i am a different size than i was last year ( continued

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 11:52 AM on Mar. 20, 2010 in Just for Fun

Answers (14)
  • But basically I just wanted the extra money to have ...and I would manily buy stuff for the house and kids or use it so we can eat out sometimes and stuff.....

    But of course as soon as I get it, he says we need it for bills and when i got upset, he told me I was being selfish...

    but yet he didnt want me to get that job for 1, and for 2, he said i can if we really need it for bills, why would I be able to just quit

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:55 AM on Mar. 20, 2010


    Answer by sati769leigh at 11:58 AM on Mar. 20, 2010

  • Sounds like he's just trying to control you through money.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:03 PM on Mar. 20, 2010

  • Sounds like he has some control issues. Did you agree to let him handle all the money since he would be the only one working? Do you know how much is in the bank? How much the household bills are? If you don't, then you need to educate yourself.

    Most fights/arguments in a marriage are over money. If you guys are having $1000 extra a month, then obviously, your little income is NOT needed for the bills. Goes back to control and you need to take some.

    Answer by SpiritedWitch at 12:06 PM on Mar. 20, 2010

  • Did he grow up poor? My DH was like that when we first got married. Every single extra penny went into the bank--I did have clothes and stuff, but we never ate out or went anywhere. He called it wasting money. We had to have a lot of discussions about this before he realized that it was OUR money, and I was entitled to have some $$ to spend as I pleased, and we were in no danger of starving to death if we bought something nice or went somewhere, like dinner out or to the fair or something for fun. Tell your husband that even kids get an allowance, and he needs to get used to giving you some money now, that you don't have to a submit written accounts for, because pretty soon it's going to be the kids, too.
    WARNING: Some of the discussions were really loud and ocassionally heated!

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:17 PM on Mar. 20, 2010

  • It may be just me but this would be very alarming to me. Do you not have access to your all's accounts? Would he have an issue with you having your own savings account? If so, I think you all have big problems. What if you became unhappy and wanted to leave? You could not get ready financially (which could be part of the reason he is controlling).

    After my Husband and I got back together after our separation (initiated by him) I insisted on having my own account squirreled away for "just in case". I love him with all of my heart and soul and he knows this, he also knows that I have no plans on leaving him, but he also knows that I need to make sure that I have something to fall back on should I want to leave or should he up and decide to leave again. There is nothing wrong with being prepared.

    Answer by kc932 at 12:24 PM on Mar. 20, 2010

  • to the last 2 PP :

    We got together when i was a teen, I have never had a job, and so he was always just the one who handled the money, I know how to check the bank accounts and I open bills, I know how much ...but he says he has to use the money I am making for other bills, but he gets mad and refuses to keep talking about it . I always thought that "his money" or "my money" would be our money and we would both just have access to it...but its not, he says I wouldnt know how to control the money ( although when we do have that extra he blows it on random things, and I am more the type who will only buy things on sale)

    He didnt grow up poor, he was pretty spoiled growing up ( he is still a mommas boy) ....sometimes he gives me some money like when we get taxes back ..but other than that, it is only on my bday.

    when we get groceries, etc. we go together and he pays.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:25 PM on Mar. 20, 2010

  • This is definitely a story I've heard before. Several of my friends and even my mother are in similar situations. You two are married. You staying home and and taking care of the household and family was something the two of you agreed up from the beginning. He is the provider of his family, and therefore, money should not be "gifted" to you; you are as much entitled to it as he is. If he is demanding that you turn over the money you make, then you need to demand that he shows you where exactly this money is going. And for that matter, I wouldn't give him S#!T!!! Get involved in your finances. This is absolutely a control issue as the other have mentioned.

    Answer by JDanesMommy at 12:37 PM on Mar. 20, 2010

  • You will HAVE to get this straightened out, and SOON. I see all sorts of red flags here. While you are trying to get this settled, start squirrelling away money of your own. Even a dollar or two at a time will eventually grow. Don't touch it, and whatever you do, DON'T TELL HIM ABOUT IT. I hope I'm wrong, but this is something that could grow and he will get more and more controlling till you have no car, no friends, no family near and no support network of any kind, then it will start getting bad. YOU ARE NOT A CHILD! Believe me, I've been there. We have been back together now, and have been for years but it took me actually picking myself and our 3 yr old child and leaving while he was at work (running away, if you will) for him to "get it".  


    Answer by Anonymous at 12:41 PM on Mar. 20, 2010

  • He is being selfish. It IS your money (as in the two of you) and he should not be in control like that. However, he will only remain in control as long as you let him.

    Answer by Pnukey at 12:59 PM on Mar. 20, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.