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Questions i have that maybe adoptive moms can answer,please.

To any of those that had an open adoption where you get more information on the birthmom what did you look for ?
My perspective Ap's i feel are expecting way to much from me from medical records on my family and everything almost like they expect the perfect child.
However,they have had failed adoptions and surrogacy so makes me wonder if they are being cautious or unreasonable ?
Could anybody share what is fair since i feel that i have rights to my privacy as they do in certain aspects.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 8:05 PM on Mar. 21, 2010 in Adoption

Answers (17)
  • Our situstion is a little different. We adopted our own grandchildren. Their Mother (our ex DIL) with held vital medical history from us. In doing so my grandson suffered permanent damage because it took so long to diagnose. Had she been forthcoming the Dr's would have tested immediately. After this incident we attempted for more than 2 years to obtain all the medical history we could for her, her parents and her grandparents. Especially cardiac, renal, Hypertension, diabetes, mental illness. As a parent you can never know too much regarding your childs history. It sounds like your prospective AP are being very cautious. They are also afraid of being hurt again. If something makes you really uncomfortable talk with them about it.

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 8:17 PM on Mar. 21, 2010

  • OP HERE: Let me clairify something they are fine with my records it is my families they want as they want to know that overall this child will have no genetic issues i guess,like i said the perfect child.Which to me i understand they have a right to know but i feel there are being kinda odd since i have never heard this.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:31 PM on Mar. 21, 2010

  • Are they asking to be prepared or are they asking to be sure the child doesn't have these issues. If they would like to be prepared and willing to deal with any issues that arise then I would provide the information. I think any genetic issues and vital organ issues should be disclosed especially in the instance like the first poster. If they are looking for the perfect child then I would go on to different couple because no child is going to be perfect. There are so many things could happen a few years down the road and if they were having a bio child they would have any guarantees on genetic abnormalities. I don't have medical history on my older son (my biochild, BF rights terminated) but, we have contact with bio-dad and can get info, my younger son, we know he has issues mostly because his mother did drugs while pregnant other than that bio-family unwilling to give any other information. Sorry for rambling.


    Answer by matthewscandi at 8:49 PM on Mar. 21, 2010

  • OP HERE:I have told them my family tree history on both sides of family.However,i feel when they want to see actual records on my family that is crossing a line.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:51 PM on Mar. 21, 2010

  • OP, I agree that to not take your word for it in filling out medical history on both sides of the family is one thing, (how I wish I had any of that, adopting thru foster care, either the family was less than cooperative or the worker was less than thorough) but to WANT copies of your families' medical histories, I agree with you IS crossing a line. I understand their desire to be cautious, however, they need to look into their hearts if they are merely wanting the guarantee of a perfect child. (Reminds me of Stepford Wives, but baby version) Anyway, my own parents have 3 biological children, first & last with asthma, 2nd had to have corrective eye surgery before the age of 2, 1st was born breech and had to be in metal leg braces for the first year of her life (1st 2 born 11 months apart) and the 3rd had a collapsed lung. I don't guess any of us would have been adoptable for this family. You have done your part. I'd pass...

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 9:13 PM on Mar. 21, 2010

  • I didn't expect a "right" to privacywhen we were asked to meet or talk to expectant women who were considering placing their child. Of course I wasn't going to talk about my sex life or hand out my social security number....but truly there wasn't a question that I wouldn't have answered to the best of my ability. I didn't ask questions about genetics but to us that wasn't really a factor. For one couple I knew it was a big factor for them. If grandparents or some genetic disorder was in the family, drug abuse, or alcohol abuse was involved they did not want to be asked to meet the perspective match.  They did want to try and ensure, as best as anyone could, to have a healthy baby.  They were  chosen to parent a beautiful baby girl, are wonderful parents to her, and are very happy.  But that beautiful little girl could have not developed as normally as her peers and ended


    Answer by frogdawg at 9:29 PM on Mar. 21, 2010

  • diagnosed with living with autism. Then what? If I were an expectant mother considering placement it all goes back to the interviewing process. I strongly think a couple or woman has the right to ask what if my child was born with an unforseen genetic disorder? What if my child was born without the ability to hear or see? I personally could only place my child with a couple who could accept the outcome either way. I support those that aim for raising a healthy child but it would still be my right to only select a couple who would be okay to raise a child with health issues.

    Answer by frogdawg at 9:33 PM on Mar. 21, 2010

  • OP, they are asking you for actual medical records? I think that is going too far. If they adopt your child, they have reason to know medical history for you and your family, but they need to take your word for it. I've adopted two children and have never seen actual medical records on either birthmom or her family. Our agency pointed out to all of us that we can look at our own bio families and see all of the scary health issues that we might be worried about. In my own family there is cancer, mental illness, multiple sclerosis, asthma, heart disease, and diabetes. I do think it's unreasonable to expect a guarantee that nobody in your family had any of those things.

    It might be different if your baby would need major surgery one or more times shortly after birth, but it doesn't sound like that is what they are worried about it. Big red flags!! GL!

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 9:39 PM on Mar. 21, 2010

  • OP HERE: See i feel an adoptove couple has a right to know which i have disclosed but being this is my baby where does my extended family need to be involved over thier "actual" records.That would be like me asking to see all AP's families records to make sure they have no hidden skeletons or could leave my baby an orphan at an early age because there is a family history of heart attacks.So to me i feel there is a fine line of respect.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:39 PM on Mar. 21, 2010

  • OP HERE: I told them if the baby ever was sick and they needed information to best help the child than i would get the specific answers right away or donate blood or whatever but i feel they are being a bit excessive since even with all that information does not gurantee the health of the child to be.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:42 PM on Mar. 21, 2010

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