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if you let him back after cheating?

did he fight for you , or did he just say sorry and he was back same as ever.. i don't feel like my husband had to fight for me and maybe that is why i cant move past it.. he put so much effort into lying and going to see her.. so where is the effort now.. and i dont think sitting in a counselor office listening to me talk about how hurt i am is that much effort.


Asked by Anonymous at 8:29 PM on Mar. 21, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (6)
  • Just because you chose to give him a second chance doesn't mean that you've already forgiven him or that he gets your trust back any time soon. Those things take time, and sometimes a whole lot of it. Just because he's been let back in and things look normal, he will pay in hundreds of little ways. He will notice the change in your affection towards him, he will notice when you question him in ways you never used to, he's not off the hook. If he stays through all the healing believe me he hasn't just been let off the hook. I know you'd like to hurt him the way he hurt you, but he will pay whether you do that or not, just in a different way. I'm sorry you're going throught this.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:53 PM on Mar. 21, 2010

  • Either you forgive him or you don't. Its not something to keep a hold of and throw in his face when you get mad. I don't know what kind of "fighting for you" you expect out of him... If he is going to counseling then he is trying... if you cannot move on and will continue to be mad then tell him this at the counseling session. I think you are going to have to make the choice to forgive him or not forgive him once and for all.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:35 PM on Mar. 21, 2010

  • Fighting for you? I can't see it. Guys think it's just flings so they don't put a lot into thinking it really damaged the marriage. So they don't think it needs to be fought for. It's like a little boy getting his hand caught in a cookie jar. He just thinks he got caught. To him that is the end of it and moves on. The more you dwell, the more you give power to her and what they had going on. You could even push him back to her. What is it that you want? Take back your marriage and build a stronger relationship or cut him loose. It's all in what you want.

    Answer by admckenzie at 8:44 PM on Mar. 21, 2010

  • On forgiveness: You don't just forgive and forget and move on. True forgiveness is something that you have to work on every day. When there has been a major breach in trust this can be difficult. You'll have good days and bad days. You just have to remind yourself of what you are working for.

    On Atonement: It can be even harder to forgive if you don't feel that the person who hurt you is taking their atonement seriously. I think when you say you want him to "fight for it" what you mean is that you want to know that he understands how he hurt you and you want to see him working as hard to get your trust back as you are working to give your trust.

    If you are in therapy, maybe you can discuss this feeling next time you are in session. Tell him that you are doing a lot of work emotionally and you want to KNOW that he is doing the same.

    Answer by beckcorc at 8:50 PM on Mar. 21, 2010

  • If it was ME I would not have taken him back. I would have made him pay the ultimate price for sticking is dick in some other woman! but thats just me.... On the other hand, you just need to work on it and if he in the end falls of the band wagon, DIVORCE his stupid ass. I just got a feeling you should just go ahead and do that... cuz I think he will cheat on you again.


    Answer by soonmommyof3 at 9:17 PM on Mar. 21, 2010

  • This is a tough one cause I always wonder If I would be able to stay with my husband if he ever cheated and I dont think I would ever know the answer to that unless it actually ever happend. I do know one thing though that if I took him back he would definatly be paying for his mistake every day of life cause I would always wonder in the back of my head if I could ever really trust him 100% again and that would make things very challenging. Thats why its just better not to cheat lol

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:41 AM on Mar. 22, 2010