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W2D? different parent disciplines

the most i can do is spank my child's butt when he gets out of line, but it takes a while to get to that point... DH's first response is to bring out the belt- thats how HE was raised. from 5-14, you use a belt or tree switch. i am AGAINST that, and the reasonings are semi-stupid-- you lie, you get a belt. you steal- its a belt. you disrespect, its a belt. etc.. there's more punishment ontop of the belt, but its always a belt.

he hasnt done it yet- DS is 4, but he's already learning to lie. he already stole, but i corrected him and he's never done it again (he thought that it was his toy phone cuz it was the same exact thing).

what do i do? what would you do?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:39 PM on Mar. 22, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • thats hard I think that you should come to a agreement if the child does not listen to your way than they deal with dads way I know most moms dont agree with me and thats okay I for one use the belt if needed and my house runs nice and smooth Good Luck I hope things work out for you

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:47 PM on Mar. 22, 2010

  • With the toy phone, it sounds like he was confused and not steeling. My son is about to turn three. My discipline varies on his behavour. Ultimately, I want my little boy to grow into an adult who has self-confidence and respects boundaries, his and others, so I'm hesistant to hit him, especially when incidences at his age can be used as a lesson and something for him to learn and grow from. Some days, he spends a lot of time in time-outs, which can be back to back if he continues to act up, and it is exhausting for me but I do it. If he takes it well, it lasts 2 1/2 minutes, and then I reiterate why he's there, and close it up with a hug for reassurance that mom still loves him. If he takes it bad, and keeps getting up, I re-start the time out until he sits patiently for 2 1/2 minutes, and then reiterate and reassure. I have taken his toys away with a warning because he hasn't listened or he's fighting over them.
    Rayray1976

    Answer by Rayray1976 at 1:53 PM on Mar. 22, 2010

  • First off he DIDN"T steal, he mistakenly thought the phone was his. Stealing has to have intent. He had no intention of stealing that phone. Spanking does NOT work and if that man takes a belt to the child he needs to be arrested. NOTHING is learned by the child other than dad is a bully who is so ignorant he can't think of how to discipline a little boy. Beating with a belt is punishment NOT discipline. There is a difference. Beating with a beat is a crime. It is an assault on a child and anyone who does it doesn't deserve to be a parent to the child he/she is beating. That's not teaching them anything but fear and instilling anger and hatred for the person doing the hitting. Take a parenting class if you don't know any other way to teach a child than to hit. The child made a mistake. He confused his toy with someone else's. It was an accident not an act of terrorism to be dealt harshly with. Men like your dh are ogres.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:54 PM on Mar. 22, 2010

  • BTW hitting, or using a belt is a faster way to get your point across that you don't like something he's doing, and that you're in control but you have to wonder if, when all is said and done, he understood what he did wrong or if in the future he doesn't do whatever it is again because he's afraid - two very different outcomes.
    Rayray1976

    Answer by Rayray1976 at 1:57 PM on Mar. 22, 2010

  • he didnt get hit/spanked for stealing the phone. when he was playing with it (at the front check out area), i told him that it was the stores and not ours- we had ours at home.. he said ok- so he did understand it- and as we were leaving, he tried to put it inside of his pocket. i didnt spank him for that one- why would it? it didnt deem a spanking in my eyes-- but i did teach him about how some toys are the same thing and some people have the same toys- liek some people has the same car like mommys... and that when we enter a store, EVERYTHING in there has to be paid for with money and if we dont pay, then its stealing and that stealing is VERY bad. he did that at 3 1/2 and hasnt attempt to steal or take anything from the stores since. i know that with talking it out, he has a better understanding on what he did wrong..

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:00 PM on Mar. 22, 2010

  • DH's idea/thoughts is that he was raised in a good manner-- he rarely lies, never steals, doesnt disrespect, etc. of course, there's more things that he was raised by (family nights, father/son days, GOOD times), he also views the times that he got punished, as true lessons. the first time he got a belt for hitting his sisters- he learned to never hit them and to never hit a female. same with lying- he doesnt just lie or say half-truths, he lets it ALL come out cuz to him, even half-truths are a lie. basically he really does see the belt/punishments as a way that his parents expressed their love for him- they love him enough to want him to grow into a respectful adult. it personally makes no sense to me, but thats cuz i was raised by the hand and even that was more towards abuse than anything else-- it was out of anger and hatred when his punishments were from love and done calmly.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:04 PM on Mar. 22, 2010

  • And, with the phone it's very possible that he just didn't understand because at 3 1/2 children, literally, think they are the center of the universe and everything in their world is there for them, which is why I don't like to buy my son EVERYTHING he asks for. Then, he'll maintain that impression even when he should have grown out of it by four or five.
    Rayray1976

    Answer by Rayray1976 at 2:04 PM on Mar. 22, 2010

  • Well, in my state your husband's methods would be considered child abuse. And on that basis alone I wouldn't allow it.

    It sounds like you and your husband need to sit down and have a heart to heart about what reasonable rules and consequences are for your son's age, and agree to do the same on an as-needed basis as he gets older. If you just argue about it constantly or only when your child is in trouble it's not going to work. You need to sit down when it is not about a specific incident and you can both be reasonable and come to a compromise.
    riotgrrl

    Answer by riotgrrl at 2:12 PM on Mar. 22, 2010

  • A belt is abuse. That little guy is going to know you as his overlord,not as his loving parents. I feel sorry for that little guy. he's just a baby for crying out loud! Shame on you both!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:21 PM on Mar. 22, 2010

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