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Divorced/Separated Ladies, how did you do it?

When did you know it was time to go?
What did you say?
How were things left?

DH and I have been in an endless cycle of splitting up and getting back together, only for things to be the same. Neither of us have really changed, and I don't think either of us truly want to. I think it's time for us to split, but I'm really afraid...

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:57 PM on Mar. 23, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (6)
  • I'm in the same boat...We fight alot and I haven't been happy for a long time... I will leave for a couple days but have to come back due to financial reasons. I'm starting work and saving my money.... it hurts like hell to know my son won't have mom and dad together but it's for the best. Especially since he is the father of my child and we've been together for so long.... grrr.... being a mother is so hard
    June_Mama09

    Answer by June_Mama09 at 1:08 PM on Mar. 23, 2010

  • When you realize that you can't stand to think and feel the way you do for another day, another hour or another minute. The constant stress and chaos in your brain all day, every day. The walking on eggshells so you don't create yet another fight or argument. The worry that you may be doing something bad to your family if you do leave and move on. When you truly think about how YOU will feel without all the crap that is going on, then you'll know if you are ready to move on and begin making a better life that is a healtiher environment for you and your kid/s.

    That's what did it for me and it took me over a year of that thinking before I said I can't live like this for another year, ten years, 20 years.

    Best wishes with what you decide.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:23 PM on Mar. 23, 2010

  • You could stop fighting and see if it helps anything.

    What are you fighting for? To win? When you feel you have 'won' an argument with your partner, the person whose side you're supposed to be on in the first place, what have you actually 'won'? Someone who looks for your love and find bitterness and competition?

    What are you fighting for? Did you fight this much on your first date? Your second date? What happened in the time between that made you into opponents?

    Separation (as you have experienced) doesn't teach you how to get along. Maybe you could spend some time working out how to get along, instead of how to win the last battle?

    Read Divorce Busters, or anything by John Gottman, if you are or were ever serious about your vows.
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 1:52 PM on Mar. 23, 2010

  • I agree that separation only works if you are going to work on the relationship. You still have to communicate and seek therapy. The problems don't go away because you don't live in the same house.

    You can start by asking yourself if this is really what you want for you? Are you willing to settle with how things are now? Is this what you want for your kids? Do you want them to grow up thinking this is a normal, healthy relationship? Don't let fear of being alone play any part in making your decision. That's how I approached it. Good luck.
    lvpenguino

    Answer by lvpenguino at 2:56 PM on Mar. 23, 2010

  • I knew it was time to go when I found out 5 days after he had moved out of our house he had been cheating on me with this girl I had met a week prior. He left me and the kids for this girl so I told my family and they helped me talk to a divorce attorney. But I needed the truth from him before I could move on. As soon as I got that I knew I was ready to get on with my life without him and I haven't looked back since. I'm a lot happier being with someone who treats me like a person and not an animal. (the ex was abusive to me). It was the right decision for me. It all depends on what you want for yourself.
    NikLvsNick

    Answer by NikLvsNick at 6:31 PM on Mar. 23, 2010

  • If you realize that you will be going through the same thing year after year, and you know you can't deal with it. I separated and later divorced my husband several month after giving birth to my daughter. I realized that I did not have the energy anymore to put up with his crap anymore. It was very freeing.
    NYStateofMind

    Answer by NYStateofMind at 12:51 AM on Mar. 24, 2010

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