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How to be a stepmom

i'm engaged to a wonderful man who has a 9yr old boy from a previous marriage. the boy's mother allows him to do anything, when he comes to our house he likes to think he runs things. should i just sit back or do i have some say in this. any help would be greatly appreciated.

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ailleth

Asked by ailleth at 8:54 PM on Mar. 23, 2010 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (5)
  • In this case, I would seriously talk with your soon to be husband and see how he wants you to be involved. Are both of you on the same page as far as discipline, while the son is in your care?

    JeremysMom

    Answer by JeremysMom at 9:00 PM on Mar. 23, 2010

  • Yeah I would definately say something to your fiance because from a step childs point of view you need to be on the same page. My dad kind of laid back and let his new wife dictate us, when I wouldnt have cared about getting in trouble or being asked to do things, I cared about the person it was coming from. Work your way into his life slowly..... allow him to gain your trust instead of just jumping in and assuming he trusts you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:07 PM on Mar. 23, 2010

  • He is too old for you to be any form of disciplinarian, so, it is EXTREMELY important that you and your fiance sit down and discuss house rules and things you expect and what he expects. Then it is up to your fiance to establish these rules with his son, you are your husband's support system, not this boy's mother, just always remember that. Being a stepmom is the hardest job in the world, you are expected to treat the child as you would your own, yet you have zero authority over him. I know, I have an 18YO step son who has been in my life since he was 6. And make sure you have clear boundaries with the ex. Do not become friends with her, be polite, be business-like, heck, you can even be cordial, but that is where it ends, trust me. Oh, and get a house account at your local liquore store, lol.

    gramsmom

    Answer by gramsmom at 9:23 PM on Mar. 23, 2010

  • I would not get involved with a man like that until the boy was out of the house. It will only cause MAJOR problems for the existing relationships and the new relationship of marriage. I feel that it would put your man in a position of choosing his wife or his son. Just think long-term, and ask yourself if you are really willing to sign up for this.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:58 AM on Mar. 24, 2010

  • you need to discuss these issues with your fiance. personally, if i am sharing a home with someone it is my home as well and i have a say. however, you have to make sure his dad is on the same page and backs you up. definately discuss house rules and expectations you have going into this with your fiance. then you guys can start implementing and having a discussion with your soon to be SS. At 9, he knows he is getting away with more than he should - or at least he should since i can't see any school allowing poor behavior.

    to anon58. if she steps back and doesn't marry this man, then she is making the choice for her fiance. obviously her fiance wants both. it is possible that since he never had the support to instill stricter rules, he never did. i think its great that you know you would never get involved with a man with children, but being engaged i would hope she has already crossed that hurdle.
    aly38914290

    Answer by aly38914290 at 9:27 AM on Mar. 24, 2010

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