Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

ex-SO of alcoholics/drug abusers... when did you give up?

Hubby and I have been going in circles for 7 yrs w/ cycles of drug abuse, alcoholism, etc. and I want to know when you finally decided you had enough and he wasn't going to change. Guess I'm looking for support b/c I'm not sure whether or not to give up on my relationship b/c of all this.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:54 AM on Mar. 24, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (23)
  • You vowed to stand by him "for better or worse."
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:58 AM on Mar. 24, 2010

  • Took me 8 years... And honestly, I think I would have stayed even longer if an old friend of mine hadn't come to visit and told me she didn't even recognize me anymore, that's how beaten down I was. I guess to me, that kind of life had become "normal". It's NOT normal, nobody deserves to live like that, and I can honestly say that leaving was the best thing I've ever done for myself. You can't help an alcoholic/addict, unless they want to be helped. THEY have to want to change. Mine just didn't want to, I guess. He made some half assed attempts, but they never lasted longer than a couple of weeks. Good luck :(
    Anouck

    Answer by Anouck at 12:00 PM on Mar. 24, 2010

  • Anon :58, it's obvious you have never been in a situation like that, so seriously... shut up. You have NO idea.
    Anouck

    Answer by Anouck at 12:01 PM on Mar. 24, 2010

  • Honey, only you can decide when enough is enough.  For me, I stayed way too long, thinking I could "fix it" that somehow it was something I could do anything about.  It wasn't my problem to change, so I couldn't change it. 


    And, for Anon 11:58, comments like that are part of the reason women stay in ABUSIVE relationships.  Because they don't want the guilt trip associated with leaving!  Truth is if a relationship is not healthy, and only one person is willing to work on it anymore, there is no relationship to save!!!! 

    mommy11260

    Answer by mommy11260 at 12:04 PM on Mar. 24, 2010

  • Not soon enough. I stayed way too long. I decided to leave when I realized I could never trust him when he said he was done with prescription drugs.
    Keksie

    Answer by Keksie at 12:04 PM on Mar. 24, 2010

  • "Anon :58, it's obvious you have never been in a situation like that, so seriously... shut up. You have NO idea. "

    YOU have no idea what I have or have not been through, so why don't YOU shut up? I was merely pointing out the vows that people take when they get married. If they don't have any intention of adhering to them, why take them?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:14 PM on Mar. 24, 2010

  • I am almost embarrassed now to admit how bad it got before I gave up. When I should have given up was when I got a call from the agency we rented our apartment through. They told me we were 6 weeks behind on the rent and asked me how I planned to catch up so we wouldn't be evicted. This was the first I had found out that we were behind on the rent. Our agreement had been that we each paid every other week, and it had been several months since he had paid on his weeks. That was also when I found out he had lost his job. I still tried to help him and work it out, and took measures like collecting $$ from him to pay the rent and then paying it myself. The final straw came a couple months later, when since he had no access to cash for drugs, he traded our car for crack. We still owed over $2000 on it.
    (cont'd)
    riotgrrl

    Answer by riotgrrl at 12:21 PM on Mar. 24, 2010

  • I loved him and wanted to save him so bady. I let it get to the point where he was endangering my ability to provide for my child. That was when I knew that I had to cut him loose. I told him that I could not afford to support both our child and his drug addiction, and that because of that, me and the baby were moving out and living on our own until he could get his life together to the point where he could help me do that instead of hurting my ability to do so. It is 10 years later and he has still not reached that point. I stopped hoping he could long ago, and now my only regret is that I let things get so bad before I realized it was time to get out.
    riotgrrl

    Answer by riotgrrl at 12:23 PM on Mar. 24, 2010

  • Anon :14 (interesting how you're the only one posting anonymously), if you HAD been in a relationship like that, you would know how incredibly damaging it is to the non-addicted partner, and their children. At some point, you have to put your own sanity and happiness, and that of your kids, first.

    Besides, TWO people generally take that vow. If the man doesn't live up to his side, you think the woman should just stick around and be abused, beaten down (either mentally, physically or both) and depressed for the rest of her life? Nice...
    Anouck

    Answer by Anouck at 12:29 PM on Mar. 24, 2010

  • He has stayed clean, gone back, gotten clean, gone back... most recently, he had a TERRIBLE car accident where he totalled his truck, another guy's truck, AND did property damage. He ended up with a .20 BAC (limit is .08 where I am) and got a 2nd DUI b/c of it. He SWORE he was done drinking, etc. When he went in to do his weekend jail time, they urine tested him and he came back positive for pot. After he got out of jail he SWORE he was done with everything... again. 2 weeks later, he was drinking. Apparently I was supposed to be happy b/c he didn't get DRUNK... he just had a couple. My children and I have been stuck in this cycle and I don't know if I can even believe that he will change. I'm ready to just give up. I'm exhausted.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:49 PM on Mar. 24, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.