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My SIL just had a miscarriage today. I didn't know she was pregnant, but it turns out that her and I were the same number of weeks. Now she lost her baby and, as far as I know, I'm still okay.

1st - when the time is right, how do I actually tell her?
2nd - how can I make myself stop worrying that I will have the same fate?

She started off fine and then lost it. I started off with a low hcg number - which is probably because I had my bloodwork done at exactly 4 wks. My number jumped way up after a few days. But still, now I'm nervous, I feel guilty, sad... ugh :(

I'm only 6 weeks, so I still have a long way to go till I get to an ultrasound. I guess I just need some encouragement!

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Asked by cschwanger at 3:16 PM on Mar. 25, 2010 in Pregnancy

Level 5 (72 Credits)
Answers (5)
  • It's ok for you to feel sad for her and still be happy for yourself, I know that is a weird mix of emotions, but don't let guilt overshadow your own right to happiness and excitement at this time. When you decide it's the right time to tell her I would let her know that you understand this is probably hard news for her to hear right now as things are so fresh and that you don't expect her to shop for baby clothes with you and gush about your belly if she is still grieving but that you wanted to share the news with her nonetheless. As for worrying, that is something we Moms all do, it will start for you now and it will probably never end, you will worry about the pregnancy, the delivery, your baby, your toddler, all through life you will have worries. You just have to assure yourself that you take steps to prevent what you can and the rest you have to leave up to God/faith/the universe/chance. Best of luck to you.

    Answer by MaryMW at 3:31 PM on Mar. 25, 2010

  • I would wait until your second trimester to tell her. It will give her some time to come to grips with her miscarriage, and be prepared for her to be upset. You might even tell her hubby first, so he can be prepared to be there for her. She may need some space from you after you tell her. Just give her that.
    As far as for yourself, there isn't much you can do but have faith that everything is okay. I can definitely understand why you would worry. Of course, the possibility is there. But as long as you are taking care of yourself, it is out of your hands, and all you can do is all you can do, ya know?
    Hopefully, once you do tell her, you guys can talk it out. I wouldn't expect her to go shopping for baby stuff with you or anything, but hopefully, she will at least be okay with the baby shower and such.
    Try to relax and shake the guilt. Take care of yourself, and try to just appreciate what you have. Good luck!

    Answer by musicpisces at 3:37 PM on Mar. 25, 2010

  • i would wait until your about 3 months to say anything... i had a misscarriage my first pregnancy... but to me something didnt feel right and a few days later it happened.. you can feel sad for her but be happy for you... dont stress yourself out its not good for you or the baby... there is nothing you can do either way... just be there for support and take care of yourself

    Answer by jaksonsmommy at 3:46 PM on Mar. 25, 2010

  • If I was the SIL I would want to know right away and not find out later and then be upset all over again that you didn't just come out and tell me. But not all people are that way, do what you think is right and what she would take best. But remember to take care of yourself for your baby.

    Answer by vballaj at 3:50 PM on Mar. 25, 2010

  • There really are no "right" answers here. In my opinion, if I'd just lost my baby, I wouldn't want to hear about my SIL or friend that was as far along as I was. Maybe talk to her husband to gauge how she is doing. As far as worrying it won't happen to you, you can't make yourself stop. You just have to know that you are doing all you can to have a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby. Not that I am saying that she wasn't!!! Everyone's pregnancy is different, everyone's bodies are different.

    Answer by clhadley at 5:11 PM on Mar. 25, 2010

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