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What in the name of God am I gonna do with her.....

my 16 year old daughter likes a 23 year old man. We have been into so many arguments about me not letting her go hang out with him. I am the worst mom ever according to her. She has been staying with my grandma who is in bad health and lastnight I got a call that she was missing and I had to threaten her best friend with a cop to tell me where she was...she had went to another town with him...I thought I was gonna have a stroke. Everytime I called his number the phone went dead. finally he answered and told me she said it was ok with me and she was the one telling him not to answer the phone and when he did she hung it up. I had him to meet me at a station and he apologized. I let him know that I almost called the cops and my husband told him if he ever came around her again he be going to jail. She thinks im racist because he is black but that is not the issue.It would be the same situation with anyone even a woman. CONT....

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heavenlypeace

Asked by heavenlypeace at 3:02 PM on Mar. 27, 2010 in Teens (13-17)

Level 4 (37 Credits)
Answers (15)
  • CONT....She doesnt think she did anything wrong. The fact that I almost had a stroke over it doesnt even phase her. She only thinks about herself. I have done everything for her and gave her everything and she gives me nothing. No respect no nothing but heartaches. I would move heaven and earth for her but I need some advice here because im at my with end here. She just doesnt get it. Any advice would be appreciated and thank you in advance.
    heavenlypeace

    Answer by heavenlypeace at 3:06 PM on Mar. 27, 2010

  • This is a hard one because the more you tell her to stay away from him the more she's going to want to be with him.

    In five years their age difference wont be a big deal, but right now it's illegal for anything physical to happen between them.
    Him being apologetic and cooperative is a good thing.

    Maybe try and talk to him without her being there with him or with you and ask him to please back off.
    You don't "want" to involve the authorities but if it has to come to that then it will.

    She's going to be pissed off for sure, but she'll get over it.

    I remember being 16 very well. When my parents wouldn't buy me the prom dress I wanted I thought I was going to die, it was the end of the world, I hated them.
    I got over it.

    Make sure she knows you love her and that this is FOR her, not AGAINST her. Let her know you understand she's angry now but one day she will understand.
    If they're "meant" to be toget
    Laila-May

    Answer by Laila-May at 3:09 PM on Mar. 27, 2010

  • Teenagers are selfish, angsty, hormonal creatures.
    They're full of feelings and emotions that they can't control or even understand half the time. Kind of like pregnancy hormones. I thought I was reliving puberty when I was pregnant. Lol.

    No amount of talking and reasoning and explaining will make a difference right now. Teenagers have their minds made up that they already know everything and that we as parents don't have a clue.

    It's frustrating and infuriating but they need love. When you want to smack her for being a smart mouthed brat, hug her instead.
    Tell her all of the time that you love her and that you will do your best to understand her side but things are different from when you were a teenager so if she wants you to be able to empathize with her, that she's going to have to talk to you.
    Listen without judgment. Repeat back to her in your own words what she's feeling and try to work out a compromise with her.
    Laila-May

    Answer by Laila-May at 3:13 PM on Mar. 27, 2010

  • I would have just called the police.You trying to tell me he thinks its ok to be dating a girl her age?! Whats a man want with a child?
    TMJ121099

    Answer by TMJ121099 at 3:17 PM on Mar. 27, 2010

  • Sorry for all of the lengthy posts! I just remember being a 16 year old girl so vividly and this is how I would have wanted to be treated by my parents.

    She wants to not be treated like a little kid. She feels like an adult but we know she has so much more to learn.

    Talk to her like she's an adult.
    If she is dead set on being with this guy, could you work out a compromise where she can see him but only if he comes over to your house when you're there and they stay in common areas like the living room and kitchen. Then as time goes on you will feel more comfortable with things and she will hopefully see that SOMETHING is better than nothing.
    If you're willing to step out of your comfort zone a little to meet her half way then she'll be more willing to do the same in the future.

    This way she can't hold you responsible if/when things don't work out with this guy.

    Just my thoughts.(A lot of them, I know. Lol)
    Laila-May

    Answer by Laila-May at 3:18 PM on Mar. 27, 2010

  • I would call the police;
    rkoloms

    Answer by rkoloms at 3:19 PM on Mar. 27, 2010

  • Laila-May POST HERE-- I have let him come over and he is a real polite guy but there is a huge age difference and he said he just wants to be her friend. He does have a baby with a 17 year old girl "RED FLAG" for me. She has been drugged and raped before and left to die and that just about did me in. I guess for that I am over protective but she deliberately disobeyed me and had something happened to her I just dont know where I would be today...I really thought I was gonna have to go to the hospital lastnight for my nerves. She has a lot of growing up to do before I ever trust her to go anyplace again because she went behind my back. I always heard that what doesnt kill us will make us stronger but to me things keep getting worse.
    heavenlypeace

    Answer by heavenlypeace at 3:31 PM on Mar. 27, 2010

  • Have you sat down with her and told her calmly how you feel and the reasons behind those feelings?

    I would be overprotective too in that situation. That's an impossible thing to overcome as a parent.

    Have you talked to the guy? Maybe tell him that their relationship is causing problems at home and you want what's best for your daughter.
    Tell him that if he really wants to be her friend then he would want to do what's best for her and what's best for her right now is to not be with him.

    If he's a decent guy then he will respect your wishes.
    If he goes against them, call the police.
    Laila-May

    Answer by Laila-May at 3:41 PM on Mar. 27, 2010

  • Laila May-Post Here again... Yeah we talked to him lastnight. She told him about her being raped and he said he understood why I was so upset. We told him he was not to see her anymore. I also told him about all the arguments we have been in over him. He also told her to listen to her parents because we know best. Yes its his fault for picking her up he should know better but I lay most of the blame on her because she called him to come get her and lied and said I was ok with it. I really believe he will stay away from her but I dont think she will drop it. I have sat calmley and talked to her but she told me that I just think I know best....anyways all I can do is pray and hope she will mature soon. Thanks for all the advice and comments!
    heavenlypeace

    Answer by heavenlypeace at 3:55 PM on Mar. 27, 2010

  • That's good that he's being so understanding about things.

    She's angry now and bitter. I promise she WILL get over it. At that age everything feels like the end of the world.

    Good luck to you, I hope she sees how much you love her really soon.
    Laila-May

    Answer by Laila-May at 3:58 PM on Mar. 27, 2010

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