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he says he was unhappy so he cheated.... how can i get him to expand on that...

we are trying to work on it.. he says little stuff built up, but he never really talks about how he felt or what all the things were,, and if they even matter now.. how do i get him to expand with out him being defensive...

this is a rephrase of the men and feelings question...

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:11 PM on Mar. 28, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (17)
  • The way I see it, you have two choices. You can either leave him and move on and learn from this experience or you can just accept that we have no guarantee of truth. He may say little things, but honestly, they may not be the truth and they may not be the whole truth. He probably doesn't want to hurt you with details. As women, we like to know what we are dealing with so information is very important. If he says he wasn't happy, then you need to know WHY he wasn't happy. What was he missing from your relationship that he was getting from someone else? Was it sex? Was it an emotional bond? Is it really over? Does he need to hear how much you appreciate him? I would recommend reading the Five Love Languages, that might help. But if you are expecting a bunch of strangers online to diagnose and figure out how to get your SO to talk, you are barking up the wrong tree. There is no way we can do that.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:36 PM on Mar. 28, 2010

  • You don't. He told you how he felt. Why would you want to "work things out" with a gou how does not really want to be with you. As in "He really not that into you"
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 5:14 PM on Mar. 28, 2010

  • i say once a cheater always a cheater, you're trying to work things out but obviously he isnt. Kick him out , move on and be happy. Dont waste your emotions on someone that isnt willing to work things out or talk to you when things "build up"
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 5:21 PM on Mar. 28, 2010

  • You can't fix your marriage if he isn't really to open up to you. This is the same thing that happened with me and DH. He refused to open up, until it came to the point I told him if he wasn't willing to fix things, I was gone. If he is truly sorry, and truly wants to be with you, he'll come to you. BUT theres that chance that the others are right, its just an excuse and he just can't bring himself to end things. If he thinks this is the "easy" way out, he'll clam up. It sucks, but its better to know than to stay in a marriage where he's miserable, and in turn, it will make you miserable.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:22 PM on Mar. 28, 2010

  • Sit down tell him that before you two can move forward that you have to be completely honest with each other! Set up a night just the two of you to talk. Now is the time to leave the past in the past and look into the furture. Make sure that this is what you both want, to stay in this relationship. Then both of you need to come completely clean about anything you have been hiding from each other, let all the secrets go with out getting mad. Also with out getting mad tell eeach other what you needs to change, and both of you have to be willing to work on your faults! GL I know it is hard!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:27 PM on Mar. 28, 2010

  • Why does it matter? If he is going to cheat because he's unhappy its probably going to keep happening. Marriage isn't always happy and fun
    awelling

    Answer by awelling at 5:32 PM on Mar. 28, 2010

  • I agree with the above post. Things arent always going to be a walk in the park, just cause hes unhappy does not mean he can cheat. Thats no excuse. So everytime he feels unhappy is that what he is going to do? I dont think I would be with him.
    Sophie4910

    Answer by Sophie4910 at 5:36 PM on Mar. 28, 2010

  • How can you work on it if he won't talk about it? Screw that. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells. He cheated on YOU. He should walk on eggshells.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:47 PM on Mar. 28, 2010

  • Sorry he has no right to be defensive. He is the one who cheated, he must confess all if that is what you need to move on. I would recommend getting a councilor. They can give you tools to deal with it and how to work thru it. That was one of the reasons why my marriage didn't work...he wouldn't go because he thought it was my problem and that I should "get over it". If he truely wants to work this out, he will go. good luck.
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 5:52 PM on Mar. 28, 2010

  • I suggest reading the book : proper care and feeding of husbands . It basically will tell you that when a man is pushed to the back burner in the every day hustle of life,laundry, and kids and you forget or run out of time to focus on him he becomes unhappy and when another woman starts caressing his ego and paying attention to him he will stray . Not justifying his actions just trying to give you insight. In the end he chose you and your family you have his heart..... She just wa giving him the tlc he needed. So I guess my advice would be to make your marriage more of a prority and make sure you two both connect daily. A man needs to hear once a day he is needed with a hug or a kiss or a slap on the but as he is walking by !
    abbyg

    Answer by abbyg at 6:29 PM on Mar. 28, 2010

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