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Have any of your opinions changed since you started visiting this forum...

and talking with other members of the adoption triad? Please feel free to answer anonymously to foster an honest discussion (respectful, though, please - we are all allowed to have different ideas).

When I first came here about 16 months ago, I thought that open adoption was pretty much always possible, and almost always a good idea. I still think it is best when it is healthy, but after reading stories from some of the women here, I can see that there are times when contact is not a good idea. I am also more aware of trying to see things from the adoptee's POV. When we first started looking into adoption, I had no idea that women might be pressured into placing. I don't believe that always happens, but I do believe now that it happens sometimes. I think I've also learned more about giving our (adopted) children the truth and the tools they need to have a healthy view of themselves.


Asked by Iamgr8teful at 9:34 PM on Mar. 28, 2010 in Adoption

Level 25 (23,279 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • As an adoptive mom I came on Cafemom to learn as much as I could about adoption. The forums and post are real and emotional and reading the post can teach how each one is touched or effected by adoption. It is important for me to know how other adoptees feel and birthmoms. Doing so, I have met a wonderful friend in MissingChloe. A birthmom who has the biggest heart and has touched mine. We message one another and share our feelings, although we are not from the same side of adoption, there seems to be a connection there which is priceless.

    Answer by Kellyjude1 at 11:25 AM on Mar. 29, 2010

  • No my opinions haven't changed since being here on cafemom. But that is because I have a lot of real life experiences that form my opinions about adoption related issues.


    Answer by BlooBird at 9:41 PM on Mar. 28, 2010

  • Yes.There are several women ,adoptive moms ,that have shown more compassion than I would have expected.This includes you,doodle,hollyanne,frogdawg and I'm sure I am missing others.There also some anons that just startle me at times not in a good way.I do have a question that is not bashing..You wrote that you learned some women are pressured to not keep their children well what led you to your earlier conclusion that women ,not all, are not pressured?I have been curious about this across the board for awhile.Thanks

    Answer by drfink at 10:43 PM on Mar. 28, 2010

  • Not really... To be honest, I have yet to find the connection with someone who I think represents an adoptee or a bmom in my life. The Bmoms on here who lecture the loudest are from a completely different generation and place then what I am living now. I dont relate to the anger and frustration that they feel because what they are complaining about is not an issue to my childs bmom and what probably is an issue to my childs bmom is not being said here so I dont know.
    Same goes for the adoptees, I dont see the same issues in a 50 yr old closed adoptee that I anticipate my child as having.

    This is not disrespecting anyones story, it is just saying I often cant relate.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:45 PM on Mar. 28, 2010

  • Drfink, it had just never occurred to me that anyone would be pressured to place for adoption. It's not so much that I believed it didn't happen - I had just never thought about it. My good friend who placed her son for adoption at 16 faced incredible pressure from her family to keep him. When I was a teenager, many of us (myself included) thought that we would abort before we would ever give up our child for adoption. I realize that we can't know what we would decide if we have never been in the situation. Also, the agencies we worked with were very focused on emphasizing the EWCA's rights, to the point of making PAPs feel like we were almost unimportant in the process. I understand now why they (agencies operating ethically) are there to support these women in their times of crisis and show them all of their options, including parenting. No offense taken - you are always very courteous.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 12:14 AM on Mar. 29, 2010

  • Iamgr8teful, this is an execellent inquiry:) When i came to Cafemom, I never knew about ADOPTION, even though, I had surrendered, 22 yrs prior. Seriously, NEVER knew! I did not know anything about couseling, about changing my mind, about not having to except maternity clothes, lunches out, dinners, rent...I was just told this is what they do! I never ever even had ANY thougts about Adotpion, it just never entered my mind:) I did not know about being able to ask questions, or having a choice of whom to choose as my twins' parents...the whole process was not discussed until about 2 weeks prior to me giving birth...and then it was about religeous preferences, where I would want the boys to live, and if the parents could have other children! This truly is ALL, I knew, no explanationof how anything would take place or would work! NO that was not BSE era, it was 1986. I have learned, what adoption truly does to a child! CJ

    Answer by ceejay1 at 12:29 PM on Mar. 29, 2010

  • I agree, excellent question! YES, my opinions have changed because I have learned so much from people who have adopted, placed for adoption, and/or are adopted. I came to this forum looking for others who were adopting. I was met with what I believed to be "hostility" from some who placed. I couldn't understand why some were so "bitter". However, thru the patience of Job, many first/birth moms continued to be civil and educate me on the TRUTHS of adoption. I had believed that in order to adopt, we'd fill out some papers & wait for our baby to come. I never gave much thought to WHO the baby might come from, but as we wrote "Dear Birth Mom" letters, realized that there were other people involved in us starting a family. I STILL believed at that point that the women placing WANTED to place because they were unexpectedly pregnant, and/or not ready for a child. I believed (don't scream...) that we were doing the mom & baby a favor.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 10:56 AM on Mar. 30, 2010

  • (Con't) I never knew about coercion, abuse by AP's, the pain & emotional loss to the first mothers who were promised one thing & got another or those who received no promises or hope at all. I began to see how adoption affected all sides of the triad. My views began to change & I'm very grateful for it, because I know that it's been this forum & these women who have shaped my thinking into what it is today. I believe that I'm a much better mother to my son, than had I retained my old thinking, which was based on ignorance at the time. I say ignorance, because I just didn't KNOW any better. We learned some stuff in our training, but I was still skeptical. It wasn't until I FINALLY began to see into the truths of first moms like OTT, SR, drfink, CJ, blessedwboysx3, stillamom, rainfalls, Port1969, & others as well as adoptees (adopteeme) that I realized how complicated adoption really is. It's not just gaining a child.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 11:06 AM on Mar. 30, 2010

  • (Con't) I've also learned about open adoptions from you, OP, & AAK, P/A1969, frogdawg & others and how it's the most beneficial for the child. I've learned to not fear my son's birth family. I've learned about feelings that our son may have in the future & how to be honest & open (& age-appropriate) when talking about how he came into our family. Adopting thru foster care has taught me patience, perseverance, humility, empathy, compassion, gratefulness & understanding to a much greater degree than I had known before. I've learned adopting DIA, Internationally, or kinship provides just as many challenges as foster care & as many blessings.

    I am thankful for all the women that I have come to know in this section. Even thru the "heated debates", I can often see into the heart of another mother or mother-to-be. Great post, Iamgr8teful!

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 1:02 PM on Mar. 30, 2010

  • I don't think the Q & A forum has changed my opinion, but CM has. I've found some very caring a-moms here that I've befriended, as well as adoptees. One place that really shocked me is the "Adoption from the Adoptees Point of View" group. I learned there that the Joe Soll forum has birth mothers that are outright mean to adoptees, something that Joe Soll encouraged, and those adoptees came here to get away from them. That just blew my mind because I'm so protective of all adoptees, every where.

    Answer by onethentwins at 1:35 PM on Mar. 30, 2010