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I need your opinion on this!

So... my husband is 30 and just broke down last night over his parents divorcing when he was 9. Apparently he blames himself, and feels if he was worth more his parents would have fought harder to stay together...

What do you say to something like that? I don't want to be harsh and tell him coldly to just 'get over it' but at his age I feel he should really be able to move on. I can't get him to go to any kind of therapy because (essentially) he feels there are other people who need it more.

How do you approach something like that? Have you been through something similar? What did you do?

Answer Question
 
OmbreGracieuse

Asked by OmbreGracieuse at 7:35 PM on Mar. 29, 2010 in Relationships

Level 9 (351 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • he needs to talk to someone... professional.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:36 PM on Mar. 29, 2010

  • He's an adult now. He should be able to know now that it doesn't work that way. They were not meant to be together and nothing could have held them together but it was important in life for them to get together to have a wonderful son like him. He's meant to be a vital part of life especially for his own family. We can't live in the past. We have to accept the past and not take it personally when others make decisions that are right for them. We get hurt as children of divorce. It's not our fault. It's just the way it is. Hug him for me. We all think it's our fault when it happens to our parents but it's not.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 7:40 PM on Mar. 29, 2010

  • I wonder if he has ever talked to anyone about this before! This is heavy. Just reassure him that it was not his fault. He was the kid and they were adults. Totally their responsibility. Ask him would he think it was his kids fault if his marriage failed. Maybe that will put it in perpective for him. Do tread lightly on his feelings. Even though he is a grown man once he was a little boy.
    bjane01

    Answer by bjane01 at 7:51 PM on Mar. 29, 2010

  • children blame themselves for their parents divorce, they blame themselves for many things they have no responsibility for. its part of being 9 yrs. old.
    he is making excuses for not wanting to address this and maybe he feels he will get sympathy for something only he is aware of from you for telling this now. he needs professional help asap. or he isnt being sincere about his feelings. its hard to think that of your dh but this is very odd and his reason for not seeking therapy has no basis. what has his getting treatment for a real problem got to do with others getting or not getting it. i would do whatever u can to look into this and get him to therapy. if u were in contact with his family perhaps u could check out some of the fascts and compare what he tells u with what u find out. its worth a try. i agree its very unusual that he would now reveal this in such a dramatic way. gl
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:51 PM on Mar. 29, 2010

  • Maybe he is just now letting it out, so telling him to get over it would be the wrong thing to do. I'm 34, just moved back to my hometown, and have come to a realization. Maybe your husband has done the same thing. IDK, maybe I'm wrong. But if it's more then him just being a big baby, and you treat him like he's just being a baby, you will do damage you can't fix.
    If he's not open to therapy, it won't work. At this point, all you can do is listen, and reassure him that there isn't anything he did or didn't do to cause his parents divorce. Just because he's an adult doesn't mean he should 'get it'. It's an extremely emotional thing for him. Don't treat him like a child.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 8:23 PM on Mar. 29, 2010

  • I broke down big time over a miscarriage about 16 years previously. sometimes it works that way- if you don't deal with something at the time, one day it just comes out. It's not his fault, men are taught to be tough and bury their feelings. Maybe if you just gave him a little time like maybe a month? - then suggest therapy again.
    and yes, maybe there are people out there that 'need it more' in his eyes, but that doesn't matter.. What he's feeling is normal and he needs some help with it.
    doesn't make him weak, it makes him human. I admire the fact that he was able to open up to you about this. I think this makes him a very strong man - but he does need to see someone for himself and his family.
    best of luck!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:29 PM on Mar. 29, 2010

  • He has blamed himslef his entire life. It is like a man telling his wife she is stupid, fat, ugly for thirty years. Even the strongest will eventually believe what they are told and break down. He has told himself this for 21 years. It has really affected him emotionally. Instead of looking at him like a big baby, for this perspective only, you should look at him like a kid. You need to cuddle with him and reiterate that it is not his fault. If his parents are still alive, you should talk to them and let them help. It could help him to hear from them why they did split up, and how much happier they are in their lives after their divorce.
    krissyvelazquez

    Answer by krissyvelazquez at 9:04 PM on Mar. 29, 2010

  • The in-laws NEED to be part of this conversation if they're still around. They need to tell himn that NOTHING could have saved their marriage...because that would be the truth. He could have been a model straight A child who earned an Eagle Scout badge by age eight and cured cancer by age ten...they STILL wouldn't have stayed together because a divorce is not on him...it's on THEM.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 2:41 AM on Mar. 30, 2010

  • The statue of limitation has ran its course on that one. At his age he should know that no matter what he did or did not do, didn't cause his parents divorce. At his age, you would think that he knows that. Its best that he get over that and real soon or he'll stay lost in his own misery.
    mom2mybabes

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 1:44 PM on Mar. 30, 2010

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