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Disappointed...

I've become so disappointed in a friend. Her husband has cheated on her and lied to her for year and years (they've been married for over a decade), told her he'd change, then did it all again. Lather, rinse, repeat. I was so proud of her when she started divorce proceedings to get out of that toxic environment.

Today, I found out she stopped the proceedings and is taking him back in because he's just soooooo sorry.

I wish I could support her, but I can't. I can't support her going back to that toxicity. She's going to get hurt again, just like before. It's a never ending cycle, it seems.

What would you do?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:11 PM on Mar. 30, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • Just be there for her when she needs you.When she had all she can take then she will end it finally. From now on no more advice just listen.
    mamaofficer

    Answer by mamaofficer at 1:17 PM on Mar. 30, 2010

  • Be there for her...
    anetrnlov

    Answer by anetrnlov at 1:26 PM on Mar. 30, 2010

  • you just have to be there for wehn she falls again....my best friend and i have been bffs since the first day of high school.... She just had her second child by a man who wont let her do anything - she cant have anything pink in her house, cannot be around other men, she cannot come to my house if my husband is home....everyday her facebook status says how in love she is and how wonderful he is, even thouhg I know the truth.... I try to ignore it but its hard ( I imagine you have tried it too) ..I even tried to get her to move in with us just to get away from him......just wait until she hits rock bottom then help build her back up...
    glamomomo

    Answer by glamomomo at 1:27 PM on Mar. 30, 2010

  • I agree with mamaofficer- not much you can do. some people just don't want to be saved from themselves.
    Just do all you can to be there for her and try not to judge. But please don't up and leave her because you don't agree with her actions. You don't have to agree with what she's doing to be a good friend.
    We've all made mistakes-

    if she's going to leave, she'll do so in her own time when she's good and ready, but not until then.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:44 PM on Mar. 30, 2010

  • I've been that girl in the bad relationship....one of the things that kept me there for so long is that my friends got tired of the drama and stopped talking to me, pretty soon he was the only person I had....something for you to consider.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:00 PM on Mar. 30, 2010

  • Sometimes love is about acceptance.

    If she feels that whatever she gets from him is sufficient in trade for his fidelity, it's likely she'll stay. Possibly because her self-esteem doesn't allow for the possibility that she deserves more, but maybe not. People are complicated. Lots of happy marriages are made out of something that looks bad to outsiders and you just can't know.

    Be happy that you don't have to live her life and keep your nose in your own business. Trust that even if she doesn't know what's right for her, she's still the only person likely to ever find out. It's her life and clearly she needs to learn her own lessons. You can't learn them at her, but you can support her --even by refusing to spend four minutes discussing anything this predictable or dull. Change the subject whenever it comes up.
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 2:34 PM on Mar. 30, 2010

  • I'm going through something similar with my bf. She is dating a married man. It's been going on for 3 years now.. She is on a never ending emotional roller coaster of having to "share" her boyfriend with his wife. He just had a baby with his wife and she still clings to him. He told her to stop calling or he'd kill her and she still goes back to him. At one point I told her I didn't want to hear it anymore but she's my bf and that's not fair. So I just listen to her and tell her my opinion but I realize nothing will ever change. And for the record, yes, I think she is a horrible person for dating a married man, but what can I do.
    Orionsgirl

    Answer by Orionsgirl at 2:39 PM on Mar. 30, 2010

  • while i agree somewhat with Anon 2:30-- it might be hard b/c if you lose your connection with her, she might feel that she HAS to stay with him, cuz who else is there for her? no one.

    just be there voice your opinion- that he always does this shit and she always takes him back, and that he DOESNT change cuz SHE allows him to stay the same- by not dealing with the consequences that he deserves... and after that, be done with that conversation. dont talk to her about him anymore, tell her that you cannot handle seeing her go through the heartache.. hopefully that'll make her open her eyes.
    Shy_Dia

    Answer by Shy_Dia at 3:05 PM on Mar. 30, 2010

  • OP here- I don't see that her friends leaving her would change things and make her stay. The show of support she got from ALL of her friends when she decided to finally divorce him after all of his cheating and lies (we're talking this has happened probably half a dozen times that she KNOWS about, and who knows how many she doesn't know about) was amazing. She had a dozen women supporting her and telling her she was doing the right thing and offering whatever help she needed to get through it. She had all of us praising her for getting out of that painful relationship. Now he says he's so sorry and he really does love her, so she took him back and is giving him a seventh or eighth chance. I literally feel sick to my stomach over it. I know she's going to get hurt again, but I'm so mad that after all the support she got she thinks she's doing the right thing.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:46 PM on Mar. 30, 2010

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