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How did you get over a death of someone you knew?

3years ago me and this guy were dating and living together.. lets just say it was very abusive.. 3 weeks after I left(I couldn't take it anymore) I found out that I was pregnant..went back to him. At 7 months pregnant he kicks me out.. begs me to come back (I didn't.. abusive and his trailer had holes in the walls and floor, no electricity water or food..I gained 10 pounds for 7 months of my pregnancy bc he did not want me to eat) then 1 month and four days before I had me son he hangs himself.. my child is in the process of being adopted by a wonderful loving man who was there BEFORE the birth of my son... we are getting married soon.. i love him so very much.. why do i still cry over this guy who hurt me ??? why do I still feel the need to see him smile.. wake up and learn it was a dream.. how did you get over someone you loved/knew... i dont know if I loved him.. he was very mentally sick and i tried hard to teach him love

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:38 AM on Mar. 31, 2010 in Health

Answers (9)
  • OP here-so it has been a little over 2 years since his death.. what is wrong with me to still cling on to him?? I dont link
    my child from him.. the man that is adopting him IS his father.. we will deal with his queations when he gets older.
    but that is of the topic.. if i already healed over my son being from him, why..why do i feel this huge whole in my heart
    still??? And yes, I am seeing a counselor..
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:38 AM on Mar. 31, 2010

  • The damage was done to him as a child so no amount of love you gave him could have undone the damage his parents did to him to cause him to be like he was. He was tormented inside so in death he can find peace. Take comfort knowing you did what you could to salve his soul but now he has peace. Find your peace now. Let the past go. He's fine now. It's ok to let go.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:46 AM on Mar. 31, 2010

  • You feel this way because you made a baby with him. Yes you have found a man who is great, not doubting that, but at one point you loved him enough to say, okay we'll do this, we'll be parents, and it didnt turn out so great but then he committed suicide, you never got closure from him, so it may leave a wound open, so now you have to find closure with yourself. You have a long haul hun, but you'll be better, you'll be alright
    DomoniqueWS

    Answer by DomoniqueWS at 1:54 AM on Mar. 31, 2010

  • It's not him you seem to be mourning as much as the idea of trying to fix him. It's unfinished business that's never going to be finished. You have to accept that. Keep going to your counselor.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:55 AM on Mar. 31, 2010

  • Its me.. the one who wrote the question.. it is even sadder.. he was only 19 when he did this.. :(
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:57 AM on Mar. 31, 2010

  • It's probably a combination of things- You are mourning for someone you loved at one point, and the loss of not only your future together, but his future as a person. You are also mourning for your son, who will never have a relationship with his father. You are trying to cope with the fact that he can no longer change to be the husband, father, or person that you wanted him to be. Something kept you going back to him- perhaps you believed deep down that there was a wonderful man in him? Now you will never know. He also is not able to apologize now... somewhere deep down, you probably need some closure to help yourself cope with the abuse, and you must cope with the fact that you cannot get that closure from him now. I would think that you are also probably mourning the fact that you couldn't help him- maybe there is some guilt & remorse there?
    ((HUGS))
    emslala

    Answer by emslala at 5:18 AM on Mar. 31, 2010

  • You will never be the same because of this. You will not get over it. What you WIll do is learn not to dwell on it and move on with your life. This was not a healthy relationship, and ended tragically. Love your husband without guilt and when you start to think of this guy, don't dwell....just let it drift out of your mind and wrap your mind around something else for a while. If you start to dwell....shake your head, say no out loud, and then move on to something else. Take care ....
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:36 AM on Mar. 31, 2010

  • You (in general) do not get over someone who died. You learn to live with it. And some days, it's just hard.

    Since he was 19, I'm guessing you're not much past 22 yourself. That's young to have all that you have on your shoulders and in your head. But you have a husband and a baby who need you very much. So you have to learn now to live with this. I agree with the pps who have said to find a counselor (today, if possible) to help you through this. You are grieving not only his death, but the sheer tragedy of his life and your abuse and your helplessness in the relationship. That's a lot, hon, more than anyone should have to deal with alone. You are a brave young woman. Be brave enough to find a counselor to help you, if not for your sake, for your child's sake.
    May-20

    Answer by May-20 at 7:20 AM on Mar. 31, 2010

  • Quite simply, you don't "get over it", you just learn to live with it. It will always hurt, but as time goes on, it will hurt less. If this person was still alive, you'd be hurting for other reasons. Death is tragic for everyone, you just have to keep on living and loving. Time does help to heal, but you have to do most of the work. Be thankful for your child and all the love and life he breathes into everyday.
    vanillagirl422

    Answer by vanillagirl422 at 8:49 AM on Mar. 31, 2010

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