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Reunions-Do you regret them if they turn out "bad"? Or is knowing better than not knowing?

We recently received contact from our son's birth mom after 19 mos (when her rights were terminated by the state). Since the adoption finalized, we no longer had CPS telling us that we should ignore her contacts, but suddenly felt like we were the ones who needed to protect our son. After all, she hasn't resolved any of the issues that brought him into care. One thing I do know about "L" is that she loves her/our son. Despite her situation, she still cares for him. Never doubted that. However, I did wonder how her "issues" would affect him.

She recently came to the house to bring him a gift for his 3rd birthday. It couldn't have gone any better. I am now no longer afraid of her trying to take him (CPS said she might try) and no longer afraid that he won't love me as much. I also am no longer afraid that she doesn't consider us his parents. She gets it now & I hope it helps her to feel at peace. Still, it's new.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:50 PM on Mar. 31, 2010 in Adoption

Answers (6)
  • For us, (son, DH, me, her) I felt that it turned out good. I am thankful to KNOW how she is doing, to SEE that she's OK, to see that she loves him and her face light up at seeing him for the first time in over 1-1/2 years (more than half his life). I was happy at my response to her, my acceptance of her, at re-introducing her to our son. I was thrilled about him being able to utter a squeaky "Hi" & a quick "Bye-Bye" that filled her with such joy and I am at peace not having to worry about whether running into her would be a good or bad thing. I now know that she doesn't harbor resentment toward us either. It's a beginning. I'm sure there will be many ups & downs, but for now, I'm content.

    Q: Did anyone have an experience so bad that you wished it didn't happen? Or are you glad that it happened, even badly, to produce some answers in your life?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:03 PM on Mar. 31, 2010

  • Sorry, I guess I got "click happy". I didn't mean to post anon. :) 1st reply is also mine.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 4:00 PM on Mar. 31, 2010

  • My husband had a reunion with his younger sister, who we found a few years after we learned about her. He was so young when she was placed for adoption that he didn't remember. They've been in contact for about 7 years, and we'd like to hear from her more often, but thankful that we do have contact. Obviously he doesn't regret the reunion. She is great, and we're glad to know her.

    We hope to someday have contact with DS's bmom. We send update letters and pics, and we get a phone call a few times a year. I call occasionally, but usually she doesn't answer or call back. It will be neat for her to see him again. It's been almost 16 months (since he was 4 months old).

    I've heard of people who were disappointed with how their reunions turned out, but I haven't heard anyone say that they wish they hadn't found their family member at all.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 10:33 PM on Mar. 31, 2010

  • I have to agree 100% with Iamg8teful, I would much rather know, because NOT knowing is such a disheartening lonely scared place:) I cried for what seemed to be hours, when I found out the twins were alive and together:) I have yet to reunite, but am getting closer(as you know), and will only be sending a letter, with allowing them to know, "I am here, IF and WHEN they ever wish to know anything at all" but it must come from them to wish to know me:) Doodle, you are an amazing Mom, with such a huge heart, and your son, will most definately appreciate ALL you are doing. You let your insecure thoughts of her past behavior, go, with caution of course, and allowed her back in. ANYTHING worth having is very hard work:) HUGS, my friend,C.J.
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 8:50 PM on Apr. 1, 2010

  • I thought of one more thing. One of the ways that open adoption benefits adoptive parents is that (IMO) it takes away the fear of the unknown woman. My good friend placed her son for adoption when we were about 17. They reunited a couple of years ago after a closed adoption. His mom and dad are not supportive, and I think they feel threatened by her. They have spent all these years in fear of her.

    I'm glad that I don't have to fear my kids' bmoms. If we hadn't developed the relationship with DD's bmom, it may have been easier to just be mad at her for the recent issues we had. Since we've gotten to know her, it's a lot like having a sister or a favorite cousin who is in a bad place, but you hope they get better.

    I think knowing is better than not knowing - for all involved!
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 11:41 PM on Apr. 4, 2010

  • Iamgr8teful-" I thought of one more thing. One of the ways that open adoption benefits adoptive parents is that (IMO) it takes away the fear of the unknown woman."

    I agree with you on this. I was extremely apprehensive when I knew that she was coming, but had a sense of peace after she left because maybe I can come to know her in a different light. I'm mainly still concerned for our son. I hope that we're doing the right thing. I think we are or I wouldn't be doing it. :)

    I think I now see why you are so forgiving of "R". It's the relationship that you've developed with her. It makes more sense to me now. I still wouldn't want him around the drugs. It's one thing if she stays clean at least while she's visiting. If not, that would put us in an awkward predicament in looking at continuing or modifying contact. Thanks for your thoughts. :)
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 6:29 AM on Apr. 6, 2010

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