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should i let him visit

this is really hard. my adopted daughter has a brother who does not live with us. When he was 9 or so he laid on her and "humped" her clothes on.we had him removed from our home and after counciling allowed visits now at 13.he did it again. I haven't allowed him back. but my daughter crys because she can't see him. I asked a friend who was abused by her 1/2 bro she says the sibling bond is stronger than the abuse and i should let them visit with lots of supervision like never out of my sight. I am torn either way i am hurting my daughter i feel

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Asked by Anonymous at 11:35 AM on Apr. 1, 2010 in Adoption

Answers (11)
  • No. I see no good coming of it.

    I think perhaps you should seek out a counselor to speak to... you alone.... someone familiar with adoption and/or incest. That way you can have someone knowledgeable to bounce issues off of.


    Answer by Anonymous at 11:38 AM on Apr. 1, 2010

  • My 2 cents.....if you allow him to remain in her life you are only showing her that his behavior was forgivable and it sets a poor precedent for her future relationships. I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but you should try to explain to her as best you can that some people do things that are not forgivable and what he did to her was one of those bad things. Therefor he cannot be part of her life now, even if it hurts, because he does bad things to her and a woman shouldn't keep men in their lives that do bad things to them.

    I may be wrong, I've never been in the situation. You may want to find a family counselor for advice on this one.

    Answer by Slinkee at 11:42 AM on Apr. 1, 2010

  • i have told her this but she still want to see him she says if we all stay in one room and play a game he can't do anything to me.

    she lost one brother in a wreck, two brothers were adopted by others and their parents don't let them visit. the oldest is the only one whos parents want to maintain contact

    Answer by mom2snsb at 11:47 AM on Apr. 1, 2010

  • What an awful and sad situation. I'd ask an expert. Try Marlou Russell, she's nice and I'm sure she'd answer an email.

    Her website: 

    Her email address:


    Answer by onethentwins at 12:21 PM on Apr. 1, 2010

  • I agree with Slinkee. If contact is that important for her, then let them write letters and talk on the phone. I wouldn't allow physical contact.

    Answer by motherofhope98 at 2:07 PM on Apr. 1, 2010

  • I would be trying to find the other siblings and remind their new parents that the siblings have the RIGHT to know of one another whether they like it or not.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:26 PM on Apr. 1, 2010

  • Yeah, write letters, phone calls, even skype (video chat). Remind her as she grows and may want to see him as an adult that his behavior might mean he is heading down a path toward sexual predator and she wouldn't want to be alone with him even then. If you really feel it is necessary for her wellbeing, yeah, highly supervised, never alone for one second visits. Is your daughter getting any form of counselling to deal with her pain relating to her family of origin?

    Answer by Bellarose0212 at 2:23 AM on Apr. 2, 2010

  • Can visits be in a public area rather than your home? Would he/has he done it in public? McDonald's, the park? I can't see them sitting, much less lying, in these types of places. I don't know whether the contact is wise or not. They do counsel us in foster care that regardless of the abuse that they endure, family is family. It's possible that she cries because she's thinks that she's done something wrong (of course, she hasn't) that keeps him away. Kids have a way of making things their fault even when it's NOT their fault. I do like the web-cam type visits suggestion. I would seek a counselor's advice.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 3:50 AM on Apr. 3, 2010

  • Keep in mind that children who have been traumatized an had to be in foster care etc. sometimes will test the people around them to see if the new adults around them are trust worthy and can keep them safe. This is not to say that your daughter is doing this consciously or anything like that but it is something to think about, She may also feel that the behavior is normal in some way and she doesn't deserve any better any way. I would stay away from contact just to be safe. What a sad situation for all involved:(


    Answer by Luuckymommy at 9:10 AM on Apr. 3, 2010

  • There was sibling sexual abuse in my family, not involving me, and sometimes children are able to forgive and move on. This sounds like her only blood relative, and I bet she's hanging on to it. However, I'd bring in professional help for this one.

    Answer by whiteroses82 at 9:23 PM on Apr. 4, 2010

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