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I just don't know.

I don't know what's going on between dh and I. We've been married for 16 months, together for almost 5 years. and we have a 3 month old daughter. We met while I was in college .he is from this area, born and raised. I moved here for college. I told him from day one that I did not want to stay here, that I want to move south (I was born in New Mexico and would LOVE to go back). Well right now we are in a crappy situation moneywise and both working dead end min. wage jobs. I have my BS in Pscyhology. My sister lives in dayton Oh. and there are sooooooo many jobs that I can get there and just more opportunities for us there. I want to move... He says no. At this point I really feel like if I get a job there I should just take the baby and go without him. I feel so trapped and miserable here. I'm just not sure what to do.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 12:05 AM on Apr. 2, 2010 in Just for Fun

Answers (10)
  • Well...if you're married, then you're in it together. If you love him, then you'll stay. If it's meant to be, then the doors will open for him to move.

    Answer by CnMe31 at 12:08 AM on Apr. 2, 2010

  • do whats best for you and your child.

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 12:13 AM on Apr. 2, 2010

  • When you got married - it was for better or worse - until death. It is not ok to take your dd and move anyway. I had to move with my hubby when we got married to HIS hometown. I didn't like it at first. But you know what - I loved my husband that I made a decision within myself to be happy with the decision that was made. It took many years and I can say that I am very happy here.

    If it is bothering you that much - you owe it to your husband to tell him honestly and truthfully and he owes it to you to listen. I am sure you have talked, but try again.

    But you are in it together. It will work out eventually, unless you decide to be bitter and not accept the situation you are in. He may decide in a couple of years that it isn't working out - who knows. But I suggest you talk to each other (AND LISTEN) and when a decision has been reached - accept it & be happy with it, or you'll be miserable for a long time!

    Answer by ratchetlee at 12:15 AM on Apr. 2, 2010

  • OP here... I know we took vows. But at the same time he has known from the very first conversation I had no intentions on staying here. He has always said he will go with me. But now that its come down to it he's saying no. I am 100% miserable in our situation right now. We are in debt up to our eyeballs, bill collectors calling all the time. There are no good jobs where we are. For crying out loud I have my BS and I'm working in a pizza resturant! I feel trapped adn like I am slowly dieing here. Every day I wake up and think what on earth am i doing? I just want to run... I don't think moving 3 hours away so we can make a better life for ourselves is asking too much for him.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:30 AM on Apr. 2, 2010

  • To you it's not asking too much (I am NOT taking his side on this BTW), but to him it is. That's why you both have to get down to the real root of the problem. Maybe he is just as scared and unhappy as you are, but moving away into new territory is just as scary and some people just are not good at change and insecurity. I know to you it seems more secure, but maybe to him not so much. There is a deeper problem here. I have no idea what that is - I am just throwing ideas out there. Maybe you can make a compromise.... you stay another year and if things aren't any better - than you agree to move. IDK. But somehow you both have to work it out - TOGETHER. As I said in an my earlier answer - it's just as important to listen. I know listening is the hard part for me and for my DH.

    Having debt is very stressful - trust me I've been there, set a plan and a budget (listen to DAve Ramsey - it works to get out of debt).

    Answer by ratchetlee at 1:14 AM on Apr. 2, 2010

  • THe debt will follow and maybe you can use that as your anchor to get him to listen. Say by staying here we will get the debt paid off (enter date here), but if we can move and I can get a better job, - we can be debt-free in (enter new date here).

    Why don't both of you sit down and right out the pros and cons of staying and moving. I know it may sound corny, but it may tell a lot of what he's thinking. He writes his pros and cons for staying and the pros and cons for moving.... you do the same - then read what each other said and then talk about it. But if you approach it like - I wanna move, I am not happy, I am miserable - he will not talk. But if you act like you are willing to work with him, then a lot more will get accomplished.

    I hope you can get it worked out soon.

    Good luck honey!

    Answer by ratchetlee at 1:18 AM on Apr. 2, 2010

  • oops I meant WRITE out the problems, LOL.

    Answer by ratchetlee at 1:20 AM on Apr. 2, 2010

  • I tell you what, your man just needs time. I moved an hour from where I grew up to go to college and met my husband, who was born in that city, and lived there all his life. He had no intention of moving, ever. I had no intention of staying. He asked me to stay for a little while, and I did. However, he knew I wanted to go. Things got horrible for us too, job wise, money wise, his whole family lived in that same city, etc . . . but I wanted OUT. It took 10 years, which yeah, is a really long time, but then he saw just how much I hated it there, and he hated it there too. We moved almost 2 years ago and while some problems still remain, we're much happier.

    Men are slow and they see things differently than we do. Give him time. He'll get there.

    Answer by Pnukey at 9:06 AM on Apr. 2, 2010

  • This is difficult. In the end, you may end up really resenting him. And things are getting really really bad. You want to move to make a better life for your family. He agreed in the beginning to move. Now he reneged. That's not fair. Life isn't fair, but if he want's to pull the card of you not being fair, you have this too. You have your degree, and he is asking you to waste it. That's total BS. It's possible that if you move, he may follow. You could ask him that if you find a job, to move and give it a year. You have lived there, not liking it, why can't he do for you as you have done for him? Marriage is about compromise. He doesn't seem to be compromising.
    I agree, writing things down will help. And men ARE much slower to coming around to things. He seems to be scared at the idea, or very stubborn.

    Answer by Raine2001 at 9:17 AM on Apr. 2, 2010

  • If you're miserable, then you should talk to him, tell him how you are feeling and suggest some sort of compromise. Like maybe you could all move to somewhere that has wonderful job opportunities for both of you and maybe even a good school system for your daughter, it'll be hard to find, but its possible. My DH and I are working on that one right now

    Answer by sophiebethmom at 9:10 PM on Apr. 2, 2010

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