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Should I reach out or let it go?

My oldest daughter's father and I are no longer speaking. He was absent most of her life 15 of her 17 years. In the two years he's been around he has demeaned my style of parenting and actually caused problems between my daughter and myself. I cut the ties a few months ago because he threatened to reveal something from our past she never needs to know. Recently it appears he's had some health problems. Since half of what he says is typically untrue and the other half is exaggerated I hesitate to reach out to him. I don't want to open the door to him but I'm concerned about him. We do share a daughter. What do you ladies think?

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Asked by sopranomommy at 1:56 PM on Apr. 6, 2010 in Relationships

Level 25 (24,492 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • are you reaching out to him just because of the health problems? if yes, I think take another look at it before acting.
    if his daughter doesn't see him because the two of you aren't speaking, then I think that you should reach out.
    Now for the part that will make me unpopular- you say that he has demeaned my style of parenting. She's his daughter too-who is to say that you get to dictate all the terms of how she's raised?
    Can't you work together a bit on that?

    I'd see about family counseling-you're right, you share a daughter together and it sounds to me that maybe dad was cut out of daughter's life because it was convenient for you. I don't share that viewpoint.
    Maybe your situation calls for you to have the final say in things, but I don't agree with you having the first, last, and all the other words in between.
    I'd see what you can work out.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:06 PM on Apr. 6, 2010

  • I think counseling sounds good too.

    Answer by ItsMe89 at 2:08 PM on Apr. 6, 2010

  • i think at this point, its up to your daughter to decide if she wants to see/know her father. if not- thats her decision. if she does- then its her decision... but either way, she's 17 now- she's almost a legal adult. YOU dont have to deal with her Bio-Dad, she will have to deal with her bio-dad if she decides to reach out. give her that option, let her know that you love her regardless of what she decides and what happens (especially if he brought drama into your guys lives). and be there for her whenever she needs you.

    Answer by Shy_Dia at 2:23 PM on Apr. 6, 2010

  • "She's his daughter too-who is to say that you get to dictate all the terms of how she's raised?
    Can't you work together a bit on that? "

    He may have contributed his DNA, but for 15 years the daughter has only ONE parent. THAT is why she gets to dictate how the daughter is raised, because SHE raised her. I would not have contact with him outside a therapists office at this point.

    Answer by happytexasCM at 2:24 PM on Apr. 6, 2010

  • Wow let him be her dad. You don't have to agree on everything. He has a right to disagree. You need to think about what is best for your daughter. Having him for some time in her childhood is better than none. You don't have to like him. It is not about you.

    Answer by bjane01 at 2:32 PM on Apr. 6, 2010

  • I dont interfere in their relationship, For the record he chose not to be part of her life. He wasa raging alcoholic and chose his addiction over his baby.

    Answer by sopranomommy at 3:53 PM on Apr. 6, 2010

  • I want to clarify further. I dont speak to him, our daughter does. He lives several states away so they never see eachother. Actually the one time they met face to face was a fiasco. i don't have to speak to him at all. As someone I once cared about and with whom I share a daughter I am considering reaching out to check on him. I just dont want it to be seen as an invite to butt in where he isnt wanted or needed

    Answer by sopranomommy at 4:03 PM on Apr. 6, 2010

  • Just let him know that you are concerend for you daughters sake and not because you want him around or demeaning you more than ever. he has 2 other kids he needs to raise. you have enough stress in your life and he doesn't need to add more. just let Jeanine know whats up with him and see what she wants to do

    Answer by aidanmom at 10:18 PM on Apr. 6, 2010

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