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do you allow your child to make certain decisions?

DS is 4. BD was only in his life for less than 2 months, when DS was 3 (a month before he turned 4). DS still asks about his BD, but not much.

BD is a BAD person to be around. really, really bad. right now, he's facng 13 years in jail and wants to see DS before his courtdate (could be lessened to probation and drug rehab). i say hell no. with his past and even current lifestyle (to just yesterday!) his life is NOT good- for him or for our DS.

but DS wants to see him. they havent seen each other since Sept 09. and if DS didnt see him, i dont think it'd really matter much. but i asked- and he wants to. i think if BD was able to explain why he was going away for a long time (that he's still sick and needs help), DS would be more accepting of it... and maybe even if he's convicted for those 13 years, they can still write letters and stuff...? but i just dont know. what would you do in my position?

Answer Question
 
Shy_Dia

Asked by Shy_Dia at 11:47 PM on Apr. 7, 2010 in Preschoolers (3-4)

Level 15 (2,142 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • honestly, i wouldn't have even mentioned it. if he's a bad person to be around, i wouldn't allow my child to be around him... at 4, they don't understand. but since you asked, it may be too late.
    gracefulsky

    Answer by gracefulsky at 11:51 PM on Apr. 7, 2010

  • that's a tough one.
    ...but personally, i would probably allow the visit. I would make it clear to the BD what is acceptable to say and what isn't. etc. and if anything was said that i disapproved of the visit would end right then and there. I would also make it clear to DS that if I don't like something then it would end right away.

    ...but i am also very open with my children about such things. it depends on your parenting style.
    outstandingLove

    Answer by outstandingLove at 11:54 PM on Apr. 7, 2010

  • i want to be open- but also limited. to DS, his dad is "sick"-- but IRL, the sickness is drugs.. to DS, he's with his mom to get better.. IRL- he was in jail. i dont want DS to see his BD as a guy in jail and relate to that as who HE is (i view myself by how my parents are, DS may do the same thing)...

    i dont want to hinder their "relationship" but lets be honest- they dont even have a relationship. but DS "loves" his dad.. i just cannot trust the dad- i cannot trust that what he says is true. (even with the 13 years in jail- i dont know if its true and there's no way i can find out!)
    Shy_Dia

    Answer by Shy_Dia at 12:09 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • My DS1 was taken from his first mom (in part) because of drugs. ...it's something i'm never going to hide from him. He will probably never be allowed to meet his biological grandma because she is soooo heavy into drugs. If there was a controlled setting where i knew she wasn't going to be on drugs and it would be highly watched and i knew she wouldn't be able to hurt him (she's also schizophrenic) then i would probably do it. ...i wouldn't like. But my son has a right to know.

    IMO. your son has a right to know too. Yes, he is young. But he is also his own person. I would rather say "i have done everything in my power to safely enhance your relationship with (fill in person)." again, that's just me and how i view it. I fully understand why, in your situation, you would not feel the same way.
    outstandingLove

    Answer by outstandingLove at 12:17 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • Oh boy I'm not sure what I would do in that situation either. Poor DS... He deserves better than a dad like that. I probably wouldn't do the visit out of fear of rekindling DS's attachment to his dad. It's the lesser of two evils for me.

    My drug addicted ex brother in law up and abandoned my sister and her twin boys just before they turned two. He said they were "Better off" without him. He tried to visit on a regular basis once he resurfaced and it did more damage than good for the boys. After struggling to get her life back together without her husband my sister realized he was right. He's been arrested a few times since and is a total loser. The twins are going to be 10 in May and they are not curious about where he is anymore.
    Allergic2Stupid

    Answer by Allergic2Stupid at 1:00 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • I would contact a counselor -- some are provided free through larger churches or community services. I really think that, now that you have mentioned it to your child, you should probably follow through in some fashion. A counselor may be able to help you set up some form of a controlled setting or safe place for the visit. The counselor may also have some guidance on if the visit should happen.

    I agree with the PP that said that you don't want to necessarily hinder the relationship. He's doing enough of that himself. Don't let yourself be viewed as the bad guy to your son when he grows up. The forbidden fruit always appears sweeter. But when you taste it and it's rotten, you turn away on your own.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:31 PM on Apr. 8, 2010

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