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For Grandparents... & Parents? Who's rules apply...

Do you respect the decisions your son/daughter make for your Grandchild? In discipline? Dating? Friends?
Parents, how do you feel if the Grandparents deliberately go behind your back and under-mind your decissions or rules?
For me, it's as simply as, I don't want my kids to drink soda & the grandparents take them to store and buy them a bottle of Coke, Dr. Pepper or something. WHY? would they do that!
Anyhow, my situation is more serious than soda being consumed or not.
SO, it's just a general question...


Asked by Anonymous at 12:54 AM on Apr. 8, 2010 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (15)
  • MY kids - MY rules. Thankfully, my inlaws are very respectful of that, and, because of that, they have a very close relationship with my kids. This has been the policy from the beginning, and now my kids are teens. My mom doesn't have much of a relationship with them, or with my sister's boys, but that's her choice (long story there...)

    However, that isn't to say that I don't listen to their advice. Sometimes, I take it, and sometimes I don't. They respect that they raised their children, and, as parents, they wanted the right to do that, and that we are entitled to the same right - to raise our children based on our rules and choices.

    Remind them, nicely, how they must have felt if / when THEIR parents undermined THEIR parenting, when you and dh were growing up... If that doesn't work, then tell them, more firmly, that if they don't stop, they won't be welcome. End of story.


    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 1:09 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • If it is a serious issue and you have a solid reason then you have every right to hold tight to your rules. And to tell your parents that if they are going to go behind your back they can't have the kids unsupervised. I would not destroy my relationship with my parents over soda, or letting them stay up late, but I would be mad as a cut snake if they ignored my decision to have my toddler in a secure tethered booster seat. If I have said they are not to visit Uncle Bernie and they took the kids behind my back, that would be the end.

    Answer by myheartx4 at 12:59 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • As a parent: It's my choice what decisions I make for my children. My MIL butts in and I have to "redirect" her and let her know that even though what I might do as a mother may not be what SHE would have done, either way, they are my children. The rules are as such: At my house, they are my rules. At Grandma's house...they are Grandma's rules. If grandma doesn't/does give my kids something that I do/don't, then that is her her house. Not at mine. Period.

    Answer by clhadley at 1:00 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • As a mother, if my parents or the Inlaws can't follow the rules I set for my child then sorry you don't have to see them. When it comes to my son its my way or the highway

    Answer by mommaplaysbass at 1:02 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • The grandparents(all but one dad).. are completely deaf to our rules. I say no candy, they go a buy the boys a party bag size. I say no ice cream. They take em to baskin robbins and let him have 4 cones a piece. I say no Aliens Vs. Predators movie... they let em watch it and I gotta deal with the nightmares.

    It got to the point where none of them(the grandparents) saw the boys for 3 months. No phone calls nothing. I know thats harsh but it taught them a lesson. When mom and dad say NO, it means NO.

    Answer by 4xsthetrouble at 1:05 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • wow 4xsthetroublew, did you have ur DH / SO's support on that?Yay for you! I get really angry when my MIL says " it was good enough for our kids"... to be rolling around the car with no seatbelts, to be bike riding with no helmets, to eat nothing but boxed macaroni and cheese, to be put in the bath unsupervised as an infant (making the soup is more important apparantly), makes me crazy! There are really good reasons we have safety equipment! Cos not all of the kids of my generation made it to adulthood

    Answer by myheartx4 at 1:10 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • Now, I should stress that like I said, I do listen to their advice, and I'm open to what they say. There's been many times that their insight and different perspective has really helped me out over the yrs :-)

    But, to undermine my choices is not something that you want to start. It teaches the kids that it's ok to defy their parents, and that grandma and grandpa are going to help, and say it's ok. NOT a good habit you want to start teaching.

    The kids need to know that grandma and grandpa are on their side, and are advocates for them, but that they aren't going to encourage them to go against their parents and the house rules.

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 1:12 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • Parents rule apply unless there'ss something I REALLY disagree with and then I will do what I feel is best IN MY HOME. I have a 4yo grandson who I have not seen in 1 1/2 years because his mother didn't like how I did things with him but quite honestly, I would do it again. I babysat him from 13-16 mos. old and the his mom stopped letting me watched him because she didn't like how I did thing. At home they fed him mushy rice cereal for breakfast, cut up hot dogs or lunch meat w/processed cheese for lunch, Little Debbie's for snacks and Koolaid for drinks in a bottle. I used a sippy cup, gave him age appropriate & nutritious (I shop organic and non-processed) foods for meal times, gave him healthy & age appropriate snack options & gave him water or watered down 100% organic juice. At home they put him in a playpen and let him entertain himself. Here I got down on the floor and played with and interacted with him.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:22 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • I was accused of spoiling him. He went home and he wanted (GASP) attention. He didn't want a bottle. He didn't like Koolaid (which he started drinking before he was a year old), he wanted to feed himself. So...would I go against the wishes in a case like that. YES.

    BTW, I haven't seen my grandson since he was 3 mos. past 2 and he's now 4 because I am a horrible grandmother who fed and intereacteed with her grandchild EXACTLY the way I did things with my sons (his dad is my 2nd son and he is no longer with the mother, she cheated on him and got pregnant with another child when my grandson was a few mos. old).

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:25 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • if you are concerned for the safety and well being of your grandchild, then you should take this up with your child. if this is an issue between you and say, a dil...then seriously examine your motives and any outcomes before addressing any situation. if this is something that no matter what you say the situation will likely not change then it is probably best to not create drama and possibly lose contact with your grand baby...just be a very safe and loving place for that baby to come to. my kids only see their grands about once a month, so it is very easy for me to let grandparents do what they want.
    i wish you good luck!

    Answer by happy2bmom25 at 7:36 AM on Apr. 8, 2010