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How do I stop verbally abusing my teenage son?

I have a 14 y/o son that has a.d.d, depression, epilepsy, and oppositional defiant disorder.I know that he cant be happy being so unhappy.He is currently on an anti epileptic medication and abilify for depression,we have a drs visit next week and I will address my concerns.However reading some parenting articles on line I am diagnosing myself with mentally abusing my son and I feel sick.My son will deliberately do things just to get me upset or say something that he shouldnt etc..and the next thing I know I am in a heated screaming match with my own child.At the end of the day he tells me that hes sorry for acting the way that he did,and it just hit me(very very hard) that I am the parent that is suppose to be in control.Thinking of what I have recently told my son has me in tears,I am going to apologize to my son and explain that I am wrong,I am going to take some parenting classes but I am wondering if I need medication?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:31 AM on Apr. 8, 2010 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (20)
  • the first step is realizing you have a problem...some moms are in denial that they have a mentally abusing problem. anyway just get yourself to a credible psychologist...not a psychiatrist because all they will do is give you pills ...a psychologist will get to the root of the problem and actually help you
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:37 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • I think it is wonderful that you are recongnizing that there is a problem. A good psychologist will hear you out and help you be a better YOU. It will be ok, you are doing the right thing by getting help. Hang in there Mama
    pnwmom

    Answer by pnwmom at 3:46 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • Parenting a child with medical issues is hard, I know. Maybe what your son is looking for is a different type of attention, If your like me your focus is on his health and well being and sometimes we get so caught up in that focus that we lose sight of our kids needing just plain old regular attention, just time with mom or focusing on regular kid stuff. Kids act out when they feel as if they are not getting that. Maybe since he is 14 have a sit down and ask him what prompts him to get you riled up? see if maybe he is just looking for attention in a different way outside of the medical.

    Also just FYI but you probably already know this, mothers who have children with medical issues that take up our entire lives are more prone to become depressed. It is important to take time for yourself, take a mental time out so you can stay healthy and mentally strong.
    3_ring_circus_

    Answer by 3_ring_circus_ at 4:00 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • "a credible psychologist...not a psychiatrist because all they will do is give you pills ...a psychologist will ge'
    Not necessarily true, go to someone you click with whatever their qualification. If where you live is like here you have a couple months before you actually get an appointment - do you have timeout or respite. I was mentally abusive to my beautiful 3 yr old when I was un-DX depressed. One day I had an a-ha moment just like you. I called my closest friend & said don't give them back til I show you a Dr's receipt.. Even though another poster said a psychiatrist will just give you pills that can be a huge HUGE HUGE help in dealing with your depression & anger. Don't take negativity about medication to heart it is hands-down the best thing I ever did. I didn't know how sad I was, until I wasn't that sad any more. I had an autistic 5yr old and baby as well and my frustration and anger was all coming at the CONTD
    myheartx4

    Answer by myheartx4 at 4:23 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • sweetest 3yr old.
    You must be frustrated my son now 16yrs is ASD, with Tourettes and some anger issues not defined. You are exhausted and overwhelmed. Is there a parent group in your city, or a friend with similar issues. Nothing in my house ever seems as bad when I have a friend to talk to. If you have a friend who is a good wailing wall, let her know where you are at. Ask if you can call when it is out of control. Then as soon as you realise you are there ( it takes practice but you will catch yourself earlier each time) just say to your son, I need time out. Go to your room, lock the door and call your friend. Unload, tell her you just need to vent. Just let loose with all your frustration and let it go. You will feel calmer and will most likely find a funny side in whatever the issue is. You are doing a phenominal job with little reward, take care
    myheartx4

    Answer by myheartx4 at 4:29 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • ohh I forgot - he is also a hormonal teenager and screaming fighting, belligerent behavior is normal ( although not acceptable) behavior. Many mums with "typical" kids find themselves in screaming matches with their 14yr old boys so don't see that as diagnosis specific. Don't call him bad names or swear at him, but it is really okay, normal and reasonable that you be angry and unaccepting of rude & destructive behavior. It would be weird if you were okay with it. Parents of kids with disorders can get caught up in excusing everything as a disorder problem instead of them just being little sh*ts. Yes he has a problem with instruction- does that mean that forever he is not expected to obey basic rules and expectations - no! He has to learn through bloody hard work on your part that the the rule is for a reason and is permanent, Can he abuse a child? No! Can he drive on the wrong side of the road? No!. Hats off to you! Hard Work
    myheartx4

    Answer by myheartx4 at 4:39 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • OP you are only HUMAN and dealing with a teenager. and one with special needs is gonna be even MORE difficult. I dont feel that what you are doing is ABUSE. but it is something you need help with. NO ONE is perfect in dealing with teens, much less those with your child's issues. We parents of special needs kids can get in to a rut with these children. They know our buttons, and its a way for them to control a world that is so out of control for them. We have an ingrained reaction to those buttons being pushed. You are on the right road in coming to terms with and recognizing that its a SERIOUS issue.

    If i might suggest a few options, therapy for HIM to use better coping techniques than deliberarly pissing off momma. Therapy for YOU to learn to better cope with your OWN issues as well as his. Parenting classes for those with SPECIAL NEEDS KIDS. you need something outside the NORMAL box parenting classes I am afraid to say.
    sati769leigh

    Answer by sati769leigh at 4:50 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • continued
    you also need a healthy outlet either with a support group or someone you can getoutside the home and just let loose with , talk about your stress levels and what not. EVERYONE needs time off. specially special needs parents.

    I doubt you need meds. You do need to learn to break out of the rutt you two are in. YOu both need ot learn better coping skills as well. ((hugs)) momma.
    sati769leigh

    Answer by sati769leigh at 4:52 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • Why don't you speak with your doctor. You are a parent and to me that is the hardest job in this world so your doing the best you can so just keep that up and you will be good. You don't have to be momma of the year but if you want to work towards being momma of the day then that's a start in the right direction. ONE DAY AT A TIME MOMMA........... :~)
    raemommy

    Answer by raemommy at 4:58 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • Church has helped me with patience.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:59 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

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