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OMG I am at a total loss, what would/do you do? (10 year old boy)

My oldest son is 10 and knows right from wrong in all aspects. He is (or at least used to be) very intelligent, but refuses to use his intelligence for good. He constantly lies, cheats, bullys others, back talks, argues, you name it. We only have 5 rules in the house, be respectful, listen, do not lie back talk or argue, do as you are told, and pick up after yourself. My 9yo son has no problem with these rules and is turning into a great person, however my 10 yo is not. he does everything on purpose and acts like such a jerk that he no longer has any friends and all but one kid avoids him like the pleque. I am so worried for him as he hits adolecence and then his teen years; both of which are hard enough on their own. his father is strict and the enforcer, but works evenings so is not home much. I perfer to teach life lessons through love and compassion. I seem to be in the wrong. please advize. Thank you.

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vbongard

Asked by vbongard at 8:54 AM on Apr. 8, 2010 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 3 (25 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • Not all lessons in life are nice. Let your husband handle this one. Or you yourself. I had to put my OS down on the floor one night because he thought that since Dad wasn't there ( he also worked nights) He could say and do what he pleased. I sat on his chest, knee in throat, hand cocked and told him very calmly that if he every disrepected me again he would find out what Child abuse was. What it comes down to is he's a bully, Most times when they find out how tough they aren't they come around.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:09 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • My son, who is ten, can be a bully. The empasis on the word can is this, if I let him get away with it he can. I do not use corporal punishment with my son. However, if he breaks our house rules (which are basically the same as you all's), I send him to his room. No TV. No Computer. No Games. Until he can not only come down and apologize sincerely for his behavior, but until he can be civil to me and everyone else in the house. My thing I always tell him is this, he has the right to his feelings, and if he is angry he has a right to that. Everyone else has the right to be at peace in our home. So, if he wants to be negative, he can go sit in his quiet room and do that all by himself. Or he can act right, and stay out with the rest of the family.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:15 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • Clearly what you are doing is not working for you...time for some though love!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:20 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • I am having some problems with my 11 year old daughter and I have started reading this book....The Five Love Languages.
    It's amazing to me how you can try to give a child all the love that you think they could possibly handle, but they don't seem to understand it at all! I am finding that my children have different ways COMPLETELY
    TimandMely4ever

    Answer by TimandMely4ever at 9:38 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • of understanding that I love them...it's truly been enlightening. I would recommend you try to get his heart.

    Sorry about the two separate posts...I somehow accidentally hit the enter button or something!!
    TimandMely4ever

    Answer by TimandMely4ever at 9:39 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • I think you need to give your son a huge reality check. My uncle did this with my 15 year old cousin who was showing the same behaviors your son is showing you. My uncle told her that she has lost respect and appreciation for all the things that she had that were extras in life. Computers, televisions, vidoe games....those aren't needs, they are wants and she hasn't done anything to earn them. So her took everything away from her. She picked out 5 outfits she could wear to school and he took the rest of her clothes. Her make up, everthing off the walls, even the door to her room. She was goo. She turned her attitude around very quickly. As long as she was nice, she got to pick what she wanted back. I suggest you do the same with your son. Take everything away from him...strip him down to nothing and when his behavior improves, give something back. He's 10 years old, not 20 and he needs to be reminded of this. Good luck!
    CaseyErin

    Answer by CaseyErin at 10:01 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • i think if you give lots of praise to him when he does good it will help i mean even the smallest of things like taking out the trash be over dramatic about thanking him,kids like that tend to hear alot of negitive so any chance u get praise him up the butt! spend way more time with him too,my almost 12 yr old was never a bully but he was mean as can b to us when he was younger,out of control,i applied these tools im telling you and he is the best young man i could have ever hoped for.everybody loves him and thinks the same.they always ask me what my secert is...well thats it,good luck it wont happen over night but it will work love conquers all!!!
    coffeefreak996

    Answer by coffeefreak996 at 10:53 AM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • well if he's acting like a bully and a jerk then he needs to find out how that feels. i know that your hubby is working alot but he needs to put aside some time to straighten out your son. or if you feel comfortable, you can do it yourself. i don't normally spank my kids, but i think it sounds like getting a good butt whoopin will straighten him out. and also take away all his privelages until he has got his act together for awhile. and don't forget to tell him you're proud of him when he starts actin right again. gl.... i know kids are tough to deal with sometimes
    princessbeth79

    Answer by princessbeth79 at 2:36 PM on Apr. 8, 2010

  • You may want to try a therapist, as he may have some issues that are causing him to act out and at this age it is hard for them to express their feelings. He needs to have consequences for his actions as well and that means consistency in the rules. I use to make a chart with the rules and the consequences if they broke those rules. It helps for kids to have visuals. Sticking to your guns & making sure your husband is on the same page & is backing you up is extremely important. A united front will let him know you both mean business. Is there anyone else he is close to who he might open up to? If so, it may be a good idea to have them take him out somewhere & just talk to him, to see if he will talk about what is bothering him. Because obviously there are underlining issues. He could also have an undiagnosed disorder or food allergies, so a trip to the doctor's is a good idea as well. Good Luck!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:47 AM on Apr. 9, 2010

  • Some people walk to the beat of a different drum. He's dealing with hormones and trying to grow up and find himself. Meanwhile you are shoving rules down his throat. How about dealing with him and his issues instead of comparing him to his brother and trying to enforce lame rules.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:04 PM on Apr. 9, 2010

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