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If I don't LOVE my stepson... Will I LOVE my adopted child?

I love my stepson, but not in the motherly way. He gets on my nerves most of the time and he really upsets me because of how he treats my husband. He's 9 and probably the rudest, most arrogant child I have ever met. Anyways, we are adopting a child due to the fact that I cannot conceive. My mother told me about a week ago that if I couldn't love my stepson like he was my own, then I wouldn't love an adopted child either. I disagreed. My stepson has a mom to go home to and who tries on a constant basis to destroy us as a family and our adopted child won't. But do you think thats true? Like I said, I do love my stepson. And I want the absolute best for him, I just don't LOVE him like he's mine. Do other stepmoms love their stepkids just as much as their own? I feel like a failure here because I really am trying.

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Asked by Anonymous at 9:11 AM on Apr. 9, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • it sounds to me like you want someone to call you mommy. You probably will love the child if they call you mommy but if its an older child you probably will have problems

    Answer by shay1130 at 9:15 AM on Apr. 9, 2010

  • Love is a lot about choice, so I think you may choose to love your adopted child and to not love your step-son. The thing that would trouble me about your situation is that if your husband has not chosen to discipline his own son and to teach him about respect for dad, mom or step-mom, he is very likely not going to discipline an adopted child either. In such case, you run the risk of having two rude, arrogant children with which to deal rather than just the one that you currently have. The difference will be that you have to deal with the one part-time, and the other you will have to deal day in and day out. I also think you should consider the turmoil you will potentially have in your home over the disagreement about parenting styles should you decide that you are going to teach your child to respect you. Remember, too, that the new child will have the example of the step-son. Could be a recipe for disaster.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:18 AM on Apr. 9, 2010

  • When i was with my ex he had 2 kids from another women. Honestly i fell in love with him because of those kids. I truely loved them. I loved them more when they respected me but i get what you are saying..when they disrespect you it is very easy to not like them. It was very hard for me to leave him because of them.

    Answer by shay1130 at 9:18 AM on Apr. 9, 2010

  • What I have come to know in the experiences I have had when I was married before, my ex didn't love my son from a previous marriage. He would tolerate him. It was very sad for my son. He, (my son) is a quiet, loving, funny, smart boy. My ex just couldnt stand the fact that I would always put my son first. Then when I got pregnant it got worse, he told me he could never love my son the way he loved his own. It broke my heart. I thought that was the most selfish thing I had ever heard. So hes now my ex.. Be very careful, youre on very thin ice when it comes to living in a blended family. You should love your husbands child as much as your adopted child, they are children. If youre having trouble with your SS then you should try to fix that before you bring another child into the mix. Its not fair to your SS. IMO anyway...

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 9:21 AM on Apr. 9, 2010

  • I know where you are. I felt the same way when I was a step mom, I even watched as my step son cussed my hubby out. It was a horrible time in my life I'll admit, I didn't exactly love my step son, but I didn't hate him either, I just didn't like the way he did my now ex. My thought is you will love the new little one without question after all he/she will be YOURS, no mommy for he/she to go home to on a weekly basis or what have you. I wouldn't worry about that. What I do worry about is some of the statements you made about the way your stepson treats your hubby. It makes me concerned about your relationship with your husband. Pm me if you need to talk or even some advice, from one formeer step mom to a current one, I'll do my best to help.

    Answer by Alwaysacarnie at 9:24 AM on Apr. 9, 2010

  • My husband loves my kids from my previous marriage as much as he loves our own bio kid. If he didn't, I would never have married him. Even if you end up loving your adopted child and not your stepson, if your husband ever sees it - he may not be your husband for long. I wouldn't stay with mine if I thought he was treating my children any differently from ours.

    Answer by missanc at 9:26 AM on Apr. 9, 2010

  • If your not sure are you willing to risk a child's livelihood to find out? 


    Answer by Anonymous at 9:32 AM on Apr. 9, 2010

  • Whew, I agree with NannyB

    Answer by treasured_hope at 4:38 PM on Apr. 9, 2010

  • You're not required to love someone else's child no matter what. You will love your adopted child because that child will be your child and will be brought up in the manner you expect a child to be raised. You cannot control the BS your husband's ex feeds your SS and the BS he brings into your home, but you won't have all of those issues with your adopted child.

    They're two entirely different things. This isn't something you should be fretting over. Your mother's wrong.

    AND, for the record, I'm saying this as a mom who loves her stepbabies as much as she loves her bio-baby.

    Answer by Avarah at 2:24 AM on Apr. 10, 2010

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