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A bad Father?

My husband thinks he's a bad father, I disagree. Let me give you some background, he was abused horribly by his own father for many years, beaten so bad that he still has nightmares and there are parts of his back that have no feeling because of nerve damage. Because of this, and this alone, he thinks he's a bad father. Our daughter doesn't seem to think so. This is a man who goes out of his way to provide for her, plays with her, feeds her and keeps her giggling all day long when he can. He broke the cycle of abuse and has become a little girls protector instead of her abuser (he won't even let her go to daycare because we don't personally know the caregivers). You can see how much he loves her and how the thought of her ever being hurt breaks his heart. Who else thinks this "bad father" is actually the best father for our baby girl?

 
heratyc

Asked by heratyc at 2:05 PM on Apr. 9, 2010 in Relationships

Level 13 (962 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • i lived your DH's life, aside from the nerve endings... HE cannot see his actions for himself. an outsider (you, your DD) can.. but for him- one slip up, one time when he breaks DD's heart (even if its just saying no to that cookie before dinner), makes him feel that he just beat the shit outta her. that ONE painful action takes up more than 100 of those days when they are giggling and laughing and just having fun. HE doesnt remember those-- he remembers the time that he said no to the cookie and broke his dd's heart.

    he needs to let go of the past. yes, its hard and it'll always come back- but he needs to push it outta his mind. he is NOT his father, he has better self-control, he is his own person with his own family. HE needs to understand that. not just know it, but truly UNDERSTAND, in the depths of his being all of that. without knowing/understanding it- he will always feel that he'll turn into his father.

    gl
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:37 PM on Apr. 9, 2010

  • He sounds like he is doing a great job and is doing all he can to NOT be like his dad. And I say bravo to him for it. Breaking the cycle is hard, and he's done a great job.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:08 PM on Apr. 9, 2010

  • He's doing a great job! My husband was kinda worried before our daughter was born because his dad used to have...well, anger issues. He was worried that he was going to be the same way, but he's not at all. Your husband might just be worried that someday he's gonna turn into his father, but it really doesn't seem like it. He's doing everything he can and more to make sure your daughter is protected and provided for.
    AirForceWife14

    Answer by AirForceWife14 at 2:13 PM on Apr. 9, 2010

  • My SO is in the same boat , he actually told me some of the stories the other day and they just made me discused, He tells me he doesn't want to be a monster like that, Sounds like he's doing a GREAT ! job
    NicholeAT

    Answer by NicholeAT at 2:13 PM on Apr. 9, 2010

  • You just have to keep telling him that. Tell your DD to tell him to.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 2:14 PM on Apr. 9, 2010

  • He sounds like he is doing everything that a father should be doing. He has broken the cycle and he should pat himself on the back. He sounds to me that he needs to see someone pofessional to work thur these issues from his past.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:16 PM on Apr. 9, 2010

  • I'm not seeing the correlation between his abuse and him thinking he is a bad father. My mom wouldn't let me go to daycare bc of her fears someone would hurt me and it turned out that she smothered me so much it was awful. Tell him that it's a good thing to let kids socialize and get out away from parents sometimes. Life will indeed cause some scrapes for her but he can still be a good dad by teaching her to tell him if someone hurts her and other ways to handle situations. As she grows older he can teach her to defend herself but he has to set boundaries and not give in to his fears. Not everyone is an abuser. Give him a hug. He sounds like he's trying very hard but if we squeeze too hard we ourselves can harm without meaning to.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 3:26 PM on Apr. 9, 2010

  • I can related to what he's saying. My ex dh grew up in an abusive household that was filled with a lot of hate. When we married, he promised he would never hit me or raise his voice to me. Whenever we had a discussion, it was low key and resolved immediately. My ex eventually went to counseling because of his past abuse. To make a long story short...the counselor explained to my ex that as long as he held on to the past, he would never experience the true relationship of our marriage. Instead of being afraid of what you didn't have (relationship) with your parents, embrace what you do have with your wife...my ex was so insecure because he never had a positive relationship with his parents and when our daughters were born, he thought he was a terrible father..instead of facing his demons, he smothered us, which eventually led to our divorce.
    treasured_hope

    Answer by treasured_hope at 4:07 PM on Apr. 9, 2010

  • I lived that life and up until five years ago I still had nightmares. I had nightmares my father was trying to kill me tell him when you break that cycle you rock I broke it and will give a shout out to anyone else who does as well. There is nothing like the honest love of a child. He just has to feel it and when he gets past the anger like you have to martial arts is good for that try aikido or mui tai (Thailand boxing) it all comes out.

    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 4:45 PM on Apr. 9, 2010

  • God bless him for breaking the cycle god bless all of us for being stronger then the hell we lived through!! A good parent always questions and moves on thats how we become better and stronger parents!!
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 4:49 PM on Apr. 9, 2010