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Should i give him space or bow out with my dignity and self respect?

I have reconnected with my first love after 30 years. (The last 20 with no contact) He is divorced and I am separated. We have been off and on for about a year and a half. (He lives 1000 miles away but we have visited numerous times and text and talk daily. He was in a bad marriage where his ex cheated at least 3 times. He has told me he loves me and wants a life with me but each time we get together, he freaks out afterwards and doubts his feelings for me. We just came off of a weeklong visit and now he says that he is unsure of his feelings and whether he loves me enough to build a life together (before my trip, he was all about missing me and wanting a life together. He said that I didn't do anything wrong when we were together. This has happened before, but not for the past 7 months. Help!

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Asked by Anonymous at 2:16 AM on Apr. 13, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • I think maybe you should just let him go. I don't know for sure if he is purposely playing games with you, or he just can't decide what he wants, but either way, if this is how he acts everytime you spend time together, then it's probably not going to end well for you. You can stay friends, but I wouldn't let it go any further than that.


    Answer by Punky_1981 at 2:20 AM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • I would definitely just move on. He can't make up his mind and you are becoming a toy. Get with someone who KNOWS they want to be with you and doesn't doubt it. You deserve that.

    Answer by MissMommyK at 2:22 AM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • treat yourself with some respect! If you have been doing this for over a year, he sees you and you guys have sex etc and then he calls and says he's not sure 3 times , he is being an ass! It doesn't matter what his ex did, he doesn't get to judge you by her actions. If after a year he still isn't sure, he is playing a game with you til something else comes along. Walk away now, head held high saying " I deserve someone who loves me so much he can't breath", not "ho-hum well, I can't decide... I guess you'll do"

    Answer by myheartx4 at 2:22 AM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • You need to let him go. I've seen first hand this type of "relationship" and it never works out. My BIL has been living with us for the past year; His wife left him, he can't see his step kids, and only sees his DD 4 days a month. He's tried dating, but had the same problem really connecting with another girl. Now this could mean anything from he is unsure of his feelings, is afraid of being hurt again. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but until he knows what he wants for his life making one with someone else shouldn't be an option. Good luck.

    Answer by Apple_Pie2010 at 2:30 AM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • I would bow out. It sounds like he likes the idea of a relationship - as long as you're far away and he doesn't have to make a real commitment to you (yes, I know long distance relationships require a lot of commitment, but not everyone sees them the same way, especially if they started as a long distance thing.)

    He doesn't want a girlfriend, or a wife, or a life partner. He wants a pen pal that he can talk romantically or dirty to, and sometimes hook up with - regardless of why he feels this way, or how insecure and afraid to commit he might be because of his ex. You deserve better than that.

    If it were me, I think I would say to him something like this:



    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 2:32 AM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • i think he plays nice to get in your pants...and later tells the truth..."umm im not sure what i feel" wth is he in 2nd grade? run and next time he calls say "i think your not making up your mind drove me away....bye CLICK!!!!"

    Answer by BUSYLOVINGHIM at 2:32 AM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • cont

    I think I would say something like this:

    "I think you're a really nice guy. Neither of us are the same people we were when we last knew each other, and I've enjoyed getting to know you again. However, I need to be with someone who knows what they want, and that what they want is me. Which is why I'm going to start dating other people, because if you aren't willing or able to make that emotional commitment to me, then I'm not going to shut myself off from finding it with someone else. If / when you ever do figure out what you want, give me a call, but know that I'm not promising that I won't have moved on by then."

    If he does call you back and want to be with you, IF you want to, give him ONE more chance. After that, it becomes just an emotional, manipulative game to him.

    You deserve to be loved and respected all the time, not just when it's convenient to him.

    gl to you!

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 2:38 AM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • It is usually a good idea to walk away with your dignity, if that is one of the choices. I would think, if anything, he should be revved up about a relationship with you after having spent time with you. His reaction seems backwards- I think that is a bad sign. Maybe look him up again in a few years, if you are still free.

    Answer by Hazelnutkin at 3:29 AM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • i was in this kind of situation... i know it's hard to let go, but you kinda just have to. let go and don't look back. you're strong. listen to all these other ladies and make your life better!

    Answer by flaggot13 at 6:28 AM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • Sounds like as soon as he gets his rocks off he is pretty much running back to the man cave, I would get out now.

    Answer by salexander at 12:29 PM on Apr. 13, 2010

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