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i fall for him all the time, its ruining my relationship- but what am i supposed to do?

i love my BD.. or at least i have this really strong desire for him. i've been in another relationship just short of 2 years. the new guy is REALLY good- he may be "the one"... but BD, after 4 years, wants to be dad now... so i am allowing it... but I am falling for him everytime. we talk about stuff we shouldnt talk about- our past, sex (not with our current relationship, but what we still like, my sex toy box, etc).

when i am around him, i just fall right for it- we joke about all that stuff that we shouldnt- the sex, etc. if i could just go with never seeing him again- it'd be perfect.. but i cant. not until HE decides that being a dad is too much... he is getting supervised visits until i say so.

so how do i keep myself away from him in that way- how do i keep this strictly about the child? yesterday- we had a 3 hour visit, then we still talked on the phone for 2 hours afterwards. i miss talking with him.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 7:06 AM on Apr. 13, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • If you don't have the willpower to just stop talking about those kinds of things with him, then take someone with you to supervise the visits. I don't know that boyfriend would be a good idea, but maybe a good friend, a sister, parent, something like that. Someone who knows you are in a good relationship now, so that you won't be tempted to talk like that with him out of fear that they may tell on you. Or...if that wouldn't even work, then maybe just let someone else supervise the visits, period, and you don't even go. Personally, my ex hasn't seen my kids in years, and that thought alone would be enough to make me not want to talk to him like that. Maybe that could help you?

    Answer by tropicalmama at 7:38 AM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • It sounds like those supervised visits are for you not for the child. He doesn't have to have your permission for unsupervised visits. You are making it all about you, having your cake and eat it too. Pick ONE guy to control and get on with your life.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:45 AM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • i dont have any friends and my ENTIRE family wants him gone (dead, away, outta our lives- either way would work for them). they still hold anger from when i was with him, and for the years that he wasnt involved with DS. ds is now 4. with his other child, he'd take her on drug runs, he got in a fight when he was watching her- for her visit with him. i REFUSE to let that happen. i dont trust him. the visits- i pick him up, take them to a different area about 20 minutes away (where he knows nobody, and there's no change of anything bad happening) and the visits are there. for now, its either supervised visits or no visits at all. even if he went through the courts, pretty sure with his record, he wouldnt get ANY visits. he doesnt have a car, no DL, no insurance, nothing- he barely has a HOME!- so he cant come get DS from my house- we live 30 minutes away from him.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:11 AM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • why even let him see you or your child?

    chances are he will stop as soon as your child gets attached to him.....

    and you are not being fair to the good guy ( would you be ok if he talked about anything dealing with sex with someone he has had sex with ).....

    honestly you just need to stay away from this man, he isnt a real father and if you end up giving into him your just setting yourself up for problems

    Answer by glamomomo at 11:51 AM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • Sounds like you are hooked on him just like a drug. He seems to enjoy toying with you and knows he has this power over you. He's bad news. He will continue to sabotage your relationships with other men and generally mess up your life.

    Answer by kathyartist2007 at 12:03 PM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • DS deserves to see/know his father, no matter HOW shitty he is. if he runs, oh well- DS knows that i tried everything i can to get them to have a relationship. but with how BD is, i dont think he will run. he's in AA meetings now- one of the requirements i put for him to see DS. if he wasnt putting his best foot forward with DS, then he wouldnt be doing the things i ask him to, in order to see DS. the parenting classes starts April 21, 4 weeks for $60.. or a one time session of a hour for $50. he's doing the 4 week session.

    my BF only had one other sex partner, other than me... and as far as i know, they do talk on occasion (about 2 times a month). what they talk about- i have no idea. i dont ask. but i know BF talks about sex with his boys and girls (his group friends.. the girls are basically seen as "one of the boys") so yea- i would be okay with him talking about sex to ANYONE.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:05 PM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • well chances are you are going to mess up your child... I bet you anything the man will just leave again ( I mean obviously, he had no problem not seeing him all this time) I mean i really do hope he is different and turns out to be a great father...but dont count on it.

    and its a big whoop, he payed $10 extra dollars for a class, most likely to make himself look better. ( wonder if he will actually even go past the first class)

    you said your self he is shitty ( of course you want a shitty person to be around your child)

    you and your bf obviously have no respect in your relationship either, so doubtfully he is the one and that you will last long

    $20 says you screw the childs deadbeat father...and then he leaves again.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:35 PM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • i'm gonna mess my son up? this is the first- and only chance that he will have to pop in and out of DS's life. if he fucks up this time, he knows that he's out- i DONT backdown on my word- EVER. i guess i could say my own parents are messing him up too, right? cuz we lived with them for a while, and g-ma moves between 2 COUNTRIES every 3 months, g-pa travels every other month. uh oh. poor kids gonna have problems huh? Never mind the fact that mommy is there day in and day out with him. my son is NOT gonna be messed up.

    and think about it-- would YOU take a class for ONE hour, or take one for 2 hours for 4 weeks? i said to take the one for 4 weeks, so he has more time to really LEARN about parenting. what can you learn in a hour? NOTHING. he's in AA and right now, i have no reason not believe he wont go into Parenting.


    Answer by Anonymous at 12:54 PM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • i want DS to know his father- no matter how shitty. DS will learn the type of guy that his bd is, when he's able to form his own opinion. BD's actions will not fall on DS. what BD does, DS will not do. example: BD stole a while back, he stole a lot.. DS knows not to steal and knows that he'll get in a world of trouble if he attempts to. He's 4 and he knows not to lie. just b/c his parent is shitty, doesnt make DS shitty.

    my relationship with my BF is how WE like it. i'm not gonna say that he cant talk about sex with his friends- who does that?! that'd just be saying that he cant go out with his friends, or he cant even HAVE friends since i dont have any. i'm not gonna be his MOM, i'm his girlfriend. if WE have a problem, WE work through it.

    and just cuz i fall for BD, doesnt mean that i'll cheat on my BF with him. i've been cheated on- THREE TIMES- and i wont be the one who cheats.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:58 PM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • you said you love BD ...If you love another man that the one your with, that is obviously cheating.

    and i didnt say anything about not talking about sex to his friends -- I said someone he had sex with ( like an ex) really wouldnt bother you at all if he talked about sex with an ex?

    I am done your obviously not understanding and you just want someone to say that he will change and your doing everything right....not sure why you even made a post abou it.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:36 PM on Apr. 13, 2010

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