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Now I know why moms worry about loving their second child :(

I have never understood the worry about loving a second child as much as you love your first until now. I'm 23 weeks pregnant with our second. It was somewhat unplanned (though not unexpected). I'm very excited to be a mom again, and I really love being pregnant... but I feel differently about this pregnancy than I did about my daughter. With my daughter everything was new and exciting and beautiful and I was SO in love with her, even when she was still inside of me. This time I am excited and I love this baby already, but not with the same fierceness and intensity that I loved my daughter prenatally.

Because of that, and because I already have a beautiful baby, becomming a secondtime mom doesn't hold the same feelings for me as becomming a first time mom.

Is this normal? Will I fall in love with this baby at birth? With my daughter I never "fell in love" I was already in love.


Asked by Anonymous at 1:27 PM on Apr. 13, 2010 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • I have 3 children and never fell in love when I was pregnant, I was excited to have a baby, and did what I could to take care of them but I couldn't really imagine them as anything more than a wiggly bump. Once they were born I didn't bond immediately with any of them, although I bonded faster with my second two. When my 2nd child was born I loved her, but I did honestly feel like I loved my first son more. That lasted maybe a few weeks then I got that total head over heals falling in love with my daughter and I almost felt like I loved her more than my first. Then when I had my 3rd the same thing happened. He's 2 months now and I'm totally in that infatuated, completely in love state, which I no longer am with my other two. So for now I feel bad that I don't feel it the same way for the other two, but I know it won't last forever, maybe it's horemones. But once I get past this I know I'll love them all the same.

    Answer by mybella81 at 1:37 PM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • Totally normal, you have already experience those first, but don't fool yourself, this baby you will fall in love with the minute it arrives, and there will be no favorites, just love all around.

    Answer by older at 1:31 PM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • Yes, it is normal. It is like the first time and as always the first time is a diffrent kind of excitement. With everything.

    I love all my kids the same I have 4, and don't know what I would do with out them. Every kid is diffrent, every one has there own special things about them. I love them all the same.

    Answer by KFree907 at 1:35 PM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • You already love your baby no need to fall in love, and you will see how much when the baby is born, it is just scary with the second. You get that same rush when you see your child for the first time.

    That will always be the first time you see your child, remember that.

    Answer by KFree907 at 1:36 PM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • OP here

    Mybella, I feel like that's what's going to happen with me. I didn't get a rush when I saw my daughter for the first time. I didn't feel anything except "THANK GOD LABOR IS OVER" lol. It took me like 30 minutes before I even wanted to hold her, because I was just coming down from the birth. For days afterward I was depressed and didn't want to hold her at all. I loved her, but she was a cranky, loud baby and nursing her hurt terribly. I think back to those first days and weeks with dread lol. I never loved her less, and I do feel like the love has deepened over the last 2 years, but the first days and weeks with her were miserable, scary, painful and frustrating. I worry that I will never love this baby if I have the same experience. My daughter cried ALL THE TIME, and hurt me EVERY time we nursed because she had a high pallet and a shallow latch. If that happens again I dunno how I'll ever love this kid.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:45 PM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • I said it before and I'll say it is not a matter of devision, but rather one of multiplication. Each pregnancy is different. You don't love this baby any less prenatally, it is just you have been there done that, know what to expect. Trust me on this one, you will love this baby just as much but in a different way because it is a different person. I have 5 kids....I don't love one more than the other, just differently. Don't worry.

    Answer by salexander at 1:59 PM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • On the other hand - you've been through those rough newborn baby days and YOU are more experienced in the ups and downs. It makes it a little more tolerable knowing there's light at the end of the road. :)

    I'm not saying it'll be all roses and sunshine. Caring for a newborn is hard. Caring for a toddler AND a newborn is hard. The anticipation, at least in my experience, was worse than the reality. My first would NOT latch. It was awful and we ended up giving up rather than battling all the time. My 2nd? Latched the first time like a pro. My first was a bit more of a "hold me all the time" baby. My 2nd? Yeah, she wanted to be cuddled and held as often as possible BUT I had a new appreciation for how short that phase is and I savored it. Then, she got bigger and she began to interact with her brother. Wow. They're now 7 and 5 - I still get all gooey inside when they play like the best friends they are.

    You can do this.

    Answer by ldmrmom at 2:19 PM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • Very normal. My 2nd baby is now 5 months old. She was unexpected and unplanned. Plus, DD#1 was only 12 mos. when I got pregnant. I was terrified. I looked at DD#1 and thought "How can I do this to her? She's still just a baby herself!" I would just cry and cry and was very scared that I couldn't love another like I did her. Like you, the pregnancy was not as joyful, mainly b/c; been there, done that. BUT, when DD#2 came, I wondered how I could have ever felt like I wouldn't love her. Yes, the experience was different, and maybe not as exciting as the first time, but it's a brand new baby and a brand new set of experiences. Plus, you're more of a veteran now, so those rough first weeks and months are not quite as bad. Hang in there and congratulations!!!!

    Answer by MagnoliaQueen at 2:42 PM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • Don't worry. This child will be his or her own person with completely different things to love in a brand-new way. It may feel a little different (dare I say less? I don't know if I can say that. but different) when baby is tiny, but as the personality develops, there is just more and more to love. I can't even imagine life without either of my babies.

    Answer by EmilySusan at 3:15 PM on Apr. 13, 2010

  • Ugh, Magnolia, you just struck a nerve for me... DS was 11mos when I took the test to find out, and I'm miserable. I don't want him to have to be the big boy. He's still a baby himself. I hope this smoothes over some, I just can't imagine what it's going to be like when I have to share his mommy-time with another baby that we weren't planning.

    Answer by matobe at 3:40 PM on Apr. 13, 2010