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Direct contact between child adoptees & birth parents. Question to ALL triad members.

Spinning off of my previous question & still curious as a cat....LOL! I am learning that open adoption has degrees of contact & different types as well.

I was thinking that open adoption meant more than sending pics & updates. That SEEMS pretty semi-open to me, only because the relationship between the adoptee & the birth parent(s) is one-sided if BP's only RECEIVE pics & letters periodically. Even checking in by phone, email, or text UNLESS the child is involved, how will the child grow to know & appreciate their birth parent? We are still SO new to this. Our son has seen his birth mom twice recently IN PERSON. He's only 3 so he doesn't chat on the phone, email, or text. So, in trying to build a relationship (carefully, because of being adopted thru FC), how often do they SEE or TALK TO their birth families? Or if you're a BP, do you SEE/TALK TO your birth child? Or if Adopted, do you SEE/TALK TO birth parents? Thanks!

Answer Question
 
doodlebopfan

Asked by doodlebopfan at 7:52 PM on Apr. 14, 2010 in Adoption

Level 20 (9,525 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • I know some of your stories and that you have a "Welcome-Open" relationship with birth parents who haven't stayed in contact with you, or because of "issues" contact has to be temporarily stopped. (Frogdawg, Iamgr8teful) We might find ourselves in that same situation as well.


    Just trying to see how some others feel about their OA's. Is it all you wanted? Better than you thought? Not so much? 


    How does it affect your child???? This is what I REALLY want to know!!!


    I really appreciate the honest, sincerely responses. :)

    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 7:59 PM on Apr. 14, 2010

  • DBF, I think you're absolutely right that when the contact is just between the adults, the child does not really experience an open adoption relationship. That is what I'm concerned about with my son. He is 20 months, and hasn't seen his bmom since he was 4 months old. I know that he's still young and it should not be a big issue if contact starts before he is very old. I just worry that it could continue this way the whole time he is growing up, and she will be a stranger. Since we don't really know if his bmom ever got clean (she refused treatment after her was born with drugs in his system), and considering our recent issue with DD's bmom, I'm thinking I should just be happy with contact by mail and (rarely) by phone for now. I have some of the same fears that you have described.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 10:42 PM on Apr. 14, 2010

  • Well, with our oldest, we send pics and updates and were told that they would send stuff back through the county. Well, they don't pick anything up and have never sent anything, so they just hold onto things in the office. With our youngest, same thing, wanted pics and updates (extended biofamily), so we did, and we asked that they send us back some info since there is only basic info on his file. We have yet to receive anything, but will send updates yearly. I'm sad for my youngest, we do have pics of my oldest's biofamily that we share with him, but nothing to show our youngest one =(
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:12 AM on Apr. 15, 2010

  • i see my birth dad and mom a lot and i see my adopted mom and talk to them a lot to, i lived with all 3 of them i call my birth mom sam kuse she kinda burned me some but when talk to her i dont say any thing at all, i call my birth dad, dad and his wife mom. and i call my adopted mom mom and susan when i talk to her i say mom but other than that i call her susan she and sam r sisters. thats where to prob started and really had nothing to do with me. but i became it vary quickly. but i have a child of my oun now and really like the help they can give. i call my dad and his wife almost every day sam 2 3 times a week and susan the same. any more Qs go ahead and ask me. i am adopted have dated adopted my best friends adopted and sor my sister in laws 3 kids. ive seen almost all sides of it. the only 2 i havent is birth parent and adopted kuse i've never been there.
    Manda_Evans

    Answer by Manda_Evans at 10:27 PM on Apr. 16, 2010

  • at first I did encourage my dd to have contact with her biological mother. As she got older and asked questions, bm told her stories instead of the truth. This left me to be the bad guy & tell her the truth without the sugar coating. This caused a lot of friction & mistrust between me & dd. She hasn't had any contact in over a year now & our relationship has improved greatly.
    motherofhope98

    Answer by motherofhope98 at 12:47 PM on Apr. 17, 2010

  • DD physically SEES her BMom at least 5 times a year. She's 4 years old with a speech delay, so there isn't much TALKING going on. And, to be quite honest, when we visit, DD is more interested in playing than sitting and talking with her BMom.

    But yet at this point, DD doesn't realize that's the woman who gave birth to her. She's told about her adoption, she's told that's her birth-mother, she's told she came out of her belly (which makes it kind of helpful that BMom is 8 months pregnant with baby #3), etc., etc., etc., but during visits, BMom is treated by DD no differently than one of my friends is...she's ignored for toys or her 1/2BBrother.
    AllAboutKeeley

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 8:05 AM on Apr. 18, 2010

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