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Does he really love me, or am I just comfortable and familiar?

My S.O. (whom I don't live with) and I don't see each other very often, because he works graveyard shifts and then sleeps during the day. When he comes to my house after work, he is mostly sleeping, and interracting very little with the baby (21 months) and me...which is understandable.

But he doesn't seem to understand that I need to spend alone time with him. He keeps saying that he does understand, but he is working to afford a car, so that he can take us places (his old car broke down, and I don't drive). His days off are not consistent, and when he does get a day off, he is often tired and sleeps most of the day.

It's getting to the point where he doesn't even remember to kiss me when he comes over. He says it means nothing, that he loves me, but I'm offended. Is it just familiarity? We've known each other for 6 years and are very comfortable with each other.

Any advice?


Asked by Anonymous at 8:47 PM on Apr. 14, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • Geez! Some people are really harsh! The woman isn't saying he's a bad guy or anything, she just misses him. I don't see how wanting your SO to kiss you makes you selfish. She didn't ask for him to drop his responsibilities and fly her off to Hawaii or something. There is nothing wrong with wanting alone time and/or affection from your SO. There is nothing wrong with not living together either. I would venture a guess that if more couples didn't live together, there'd be less divorce : )

    It is familiarity and, like the others said, he's exhausted. When he comes over, make it a point to kiss him. Where is your daughter when he's over? What time of day is it? If possible, put her to bed, or down for a nap or something, and try to focus on him, he probably needs the attention too. Take the initiative, and I'm sure he will reciprocate.

    Answer by MeandMyBabes at 1:51 PM on Apr. 15, 2010

  • OP

    He's a great dad, and loves our daughter to death. And I know he loves me, but I'm feeling neglected.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:48 PM on Apr. 14, 2010

  • That's weird you have a child and don't live together! Are you really young? 3rd shift is really hard on your body and its difficult to have a normal life when you work like that. I would just talk to him straight, ask where he wants this relationship to go..


    Answer by kjfamily at 8:51 PM on Apr. 14, 2010

  • OP

    He lives with his mom, because she is really old and needs help. As an only child, he feels obligated to help her. His mother took care of his grandma before she passed away, and now he's taking care of his mother...

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:56 PM on Apr. 14, 2010

  • He's working a shift that is really a killer. It's not a lack of love. It's a lack of energy.

    Answer by gdiamante at 8:56 PM on Apr. 14, 2010

  • Here's a test.

    You schedule a babysitter, and plan a simple, cheap date (picnic at the park, etc). Give him plenty of advanced notice, and see if he comes along.

    Even us old married folks need to be proactive and plan dates to not lose all our relationship to kids and work, and life-business.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:07 PM on Apr. 14, 2010

  • He's tierd. It's not like he's going out and partying while you sit at home, he's working and sleeping. Shift work is terrible on the body - I know I have been working rotating day/night 12 hour shifts for 10 years now.

    You are being selfish. He's working to better his life AND YOURS. Taking care of his elderly mother is commendable but he may find a point where he cannot care for her any longer and needs to have someone else help or move her somewhere care is constant. I am curious as to why you don't all live together so you can HELP HIM care for his mother...??

    Give the poor guy a break. Do you work? Or does he support you while you look after your child? I think you need to take a step back and look at what is IMPORTANT here. And not be so hard on a guy who is working his ass off for you, his child, and his mother. Geez.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:13 PM on Apr. 14, 2010

  • Its very odd you have a child been together for 6 years and do not live together. You don't work? He can barely afford a car but at leaste he works! Well why don't you live there too? Maybe you should get a job or go to school get active! I would have issues with the realtionship the way it is but sounds like he is doing alot for just one man with no help!

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:27 PM on Apr. 14, 2010

  • geez, why would anyone have a child with someone they don't even have a good relationship with? this is just nuts.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:10 PM on Apr. 14, 2010

  • OP

    Anon 1010, where did I say that I didn't have a good relationship with him?? I've been with him for SIX years, and he is my best friend. He's been working graveyard shifts for about 4 months now.

    To answer other questions:

    Once again, we don't live together because he is living with his elderly mom. He is helping her, because he is her only child.
    Where is it written that two people should live together just because they have a child together??

    I'm just feeling lonely because he and I haven't been able to spend any quality time together. If we didn't have a good relationship, I obviously wouldn't be lonely for him, right??

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:44 PM on Apr. 14, 2010