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How do i train a young husband? previous Q prompted me to ask a follow up, how to i get him to stay home?

i asked the Q ab Dh getting more free time to hang out than me and a few ppl said i shouldnt let him treat me that way. i have tried talking to him and he suggests that i get out of the house bc plenty of woman go out (with their kids) and have fun during the day. he also said that he will start letting me have more time to myself on his days off (this discussion was a week ago) but so far he has been out 3 times this week (once while i went to work). i know where he is and who he is with, i know they have a band and are trying to record an album (its his hobby) so i try not to be bitchy about it. he promised that he would take us all out but couldnt bc of weather, and the next day was gorgeous and i wanted to do something then, but he had already made plans to go hang out that day so i got shafted again. what can i do to let him know im serious. im 26, hes 23 n i dont want to be a bitch ab it and act like his mom, but i need

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:41 PM on Apr. 17, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (17)
  • What it sounds like to me is that family is coming second to music. That sucks. Now I don't know where he's recording til 12, but that sounds a little extreme to me. I agree with what one PP said about a schedule of activities. It is not fair for one person in a relationship to be fly by the seat of their pants kinda person but the other has all the responsibilities. Men and women both get "bitchy" when their needs aren't being met. Right now it is more about his wants and needs and not the family wants and needs. He is leaving you to be the one to have to be the grown up and of course it can lead to resentment. It's not fair for the kids to always get the shaft and have a tired Dad because he's out all night every night doing other things. There is nothing wrong with him CUTTING DOWN on the extracurricular time to spend time with his family. And yes, you should try to get a hobby so you don't feel so down.
    Mrs.B3

    Answer by Mrs.B3 at 5:36 PM on Apr. 17, 2010

  • time for myself (which i never get) while he works 5 days a week from 7 am to 230 and one of those days he has to go back from 8pm to 11pm for inventory. on his 2 days off he either spends it home, napping and watching tv somewhat playin with the kids or is off the his friends house. and he also will get off work and be home for an hour or 2 and be leaving again until 12 pm at a friends to record his music. what do i do? i told him that 2 days a week would be enough for him to get out and me not to care, but he still ends up finding other ways to either wind up at a friends house or be home DOING NOTHING. he helps out sometimes, but not nearly enough and he never follows through for long when i talk to him about it! hes a good dad and takes care of us (although i work 2/3 nights a week for my own money) but he devotes most his time to his job, and his music/friends and gives us whats left (which is usually worn out and sleepy)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:46 PM on Apr. 17, 2010

  • But still I have to ask, if you knew all about this man, why did you choose him to be a father of your children? Did you not know all this up front? Men do not usually change. It's usually what you see is what you get. I am sorry for that, but from the voice of experience... it's the way it is. Most men were not raised to sit around and take care of the home and children. I would tell you to either work with what you have or do what you have to. Sorry...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:49 PM on Apr. 17, 2010

  • Stop waiting for him to LET you do things. Just go do things.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 1:50 PM on Apr. 17, 2010

  • You can not train a man. If you can not deal with him the way he is. You need to get out of the relationship and find a man who you can deal with.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 1:52 PM on Apr. 17, 2010

  • You can't change or "train" anyone- what you see is what you get.
    Fallaya

    Answer by Fallaya at 1:52 PM on Apr. 17, 2010

  • What I would do is I would pray about it. You already talked to him, I don't know your conversation but he knows and now its up to him to do something about it. Family time is important to me too, my husband went through a time where I felt I never saw him. But he has given me more time. we have dates and family time and he still has his onw things too and I have my own things as well. Things got worse for us before they got better though. We actually went through a seperation at one point and then things changed around after that. It took a lot of talking and effort though. I do remember though being in your situationand it sucks feeling like your on the backburner. Maybe you can tell him in advance that you want a certain day for the family or for just the two of you, its very important.
    Precious333

    Answer by Precious333 at 2:00 PM on Apr. 17, 2010

  • You do not need time for yourself, you want time for yourself. You are already taking 2/3 nights away from your family for your own money. You are trying not to be bitchy sounds like you are being bitchy. Why would he want to do things with you or for you?


    Give up your job since you don't need the money. If you want time for yourself figure out how to do it without making it be his problem. Trade childcare with another mom. Hire a neighbor teen. Whatever. Don't try to stop bitching, stop bitching and he may want to do more family things.


     

    Gailll

    Answer by Gailll at 2:14 PM on Apr. 17, 2010

  • Ive done this before and it works if he is willing to be fair with you. Get a calandar and place it out in the open. Write all activities on it, including his nights out. Write in your nights out. Write in family nights. Its in black and white. Tell him YOU are happy that he got free time and now its your turn. How can he argue? Also, tell him (Ok ask nicely) part of the responsibility of watching the kids is cleaning up after them.





    3gigglemonsters

    Answer by 3gigglemonsters at 2:37 PM on Apr. 17, 2010

  • You will never change him or train him.
    he is who he is, you chose him.
    I'm sorry because that sounds like a miserable life. I would not put up with that. Hobby or not, he needs to get a new hobby. He needs to incorporate his family into his life, your family doesnt revolve around him. You are constantly on hold, what are you getting out of the relationship??
    If you stop bitching, he is going to get worse. You need to start acting.You need to act on your feelings and show him you are serious.
    You need to decide if you really love him, or if you're comfortable with him. So many other men would be so much better to you and your family. He is missing out on his kids... And you need you time. You basically have another child in him. You will be exhausted if you do not change things. Your kids shouldnt be raised in a family like that, they will think its ok to have a seperate life from their own families...GL and know ur value
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:41 PM on Apr. 17, 2010

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