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My dear Pagan sisters...

Tomorrow (18th) is the anniversary of my dear friends murder. I have not been able to visit her grave in a few years and I am making the drive tomorrow to go and see her. I was thinking of a way that I could try to memorialize the date or her life, but other than bringing her flowers I simply can't think of any.

It's been 8 years since her passing, so any kind of ritual for passing isn't appropriate at this point. But what else could I do?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 11:14 PM on Apr. 17, 2010 in Religion & Beliefs

Answers (11)
  • What was something she enjoyed? Something unique about her that endeared her to you?

    Every June 28th I have an urge to drink Tia Maria or blackberry brandy, which my dad loved to drink on cold mornings lol. He wasn't an alcoholic, he almost never drank, but once in a while, when it was a particuarly cold morning and we were out of firewood, he would drink that, either in his coffee (the Maria) or just straight (the brandy). I've been pregnant or nursing (or underage lol) since his death, though, so I haven't. But that's just an example of something that you might be able to think up to celebrate her life. Maybe she loved Beetles music, so tomorrow play a Beetle's album or something :)

    Answer by Ati_13 at 11:20 PM on Apr. 17, 2010

  • OP here - It's funny you mentioned the Beetles... Her stone has a yellow submarine on it! And Dead Bears. We all pitched in to have it special made. She was only 21 when she died, so she was a big time drinker and pot smoker, but I'm pregnant, so I can't do that... I was thinking of playing Hey Jude, but don't have a portable player of any kind... We sang Hey Jude at her memorial and the vigil we held while her killer was on the run... But seeing as I don't have anything portable and my car can't get more than 200 feet from the grave, I can't do that either...

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:25 PM on Apr. 17, 2010

  • Why do you have to be at the gravesite? I would visit the gravesite, then go home and drink an O'Doul's and play Hey Jude. She's not attendant in her grave, she has gone to join the Mother/the gods/the collective soul/reincarnate. She is wherever you are, and she will appreciate your tribute to her life wherever it takes place. No need to sit in a sad graveyard for this. Enjoy it! Get a party together if you can and celebrate rather than mourn :)

    Answer by Ati_13 at 11:29 PM on Apr. 17, 2010

  • You could just sing the song to her at the site. Light some incense there and sing. Place the flowers, one by one, as you sing. I think laying 21 flowers would be a nice touch.

    Answer by NightPhoenix at 11:31 PM on Apr. 17, 2010

  • Ati - I believe that a person's spirit is connected to their body. While I do believe that she is in the underworld, and that she will be reincarnated, but I also believe that as long as she is remembered, she won't be. And that the strongest connection between a person and their spirit is the body to which it was once linked... hence why I am going to the grave.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:40 PM on Apr. 17, 2010

  • Understood... then may I ask you this? Why do you WANT her to keep from being reincarnated? Why do you want her connected to her body? I want my dad out enjoying his afterlife, seeing stuff, hashing shit out with the gods, etc :p I don't want him to be tethered to this world. When he is reborn, awesome. I don't want to delay the process.

    I'm not trying to be mean here, I really don't understand why you might want to keep her spirit around.

    Answer by Ati_13 at 11:43 PM on Apr. 17, 2010

  • Your friend was murdered on my birthday. :(
    sorry. I hope that whatever you do, it is special and helps you with grieving.

    Answer by outstandingLove at 2:51 AM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • Ati - I don't believe she will move on, that she can, until no one remembers her. I believe our spirits are connected to those who love us and those we love. While in the underworld we are there to act as "guides" and "watchers" for those we love. By honoring her i am not keeping her from moving on, I'm not keeping her here, she is here... for a great many years, I'm sure! But I also believe that by strengthening that connection and paying honor we help to keep that connection strong.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:16 AM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • Gotcha. Thank you for sharing your beliefs with me :)

    Answer by Ati_13 at 10:58 AM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • Going to the grave isn't important--at least, not to her. It only holds what is left of her mortal body. It doesn't hold her. Her spirit is free and learning. She visits you often. You've heard her laugh a couple of times but you thought you were imagining it. Honor her by lighting a white candle with a purple ribbon tied around it. And she will come. Then you can talk to her, even if you don't hear anything back. She can hear you. Tell her you missed growing older with her, missed all the things you could have done together. Wish her well. Tell her you love her. Those who have crossed over are most frustrated with their inability to communicate with those they were forced to leave behind. And I think this would please her the most.

    Answer by witchqueen at 11:09 PM on Apr. 18, 2010

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