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Is it normal to mourn your future children?

Our youngest DD (11 months) was diagnosed with Polycystic Kidney Disease last month. It basically means that she will have a host of medical problems and will suffer end stage renal failure, requiring a transplant most likely before she is 10. It is a genetic disease which means that all future children will have either a 25% or 50% chance of having the disease or at least being a carrier.

The writing is pretty much on the wall that we won't try for more children because of this. I always wanted at least 3 kids, my husband wanted 5!

I really feel like I am mourning the loss of the children we would have had if not for this disease. It really makes me very sad sometimes. I try to tell myself I'll get over it, and that I have 2 beautiful children already.

Is it normal to feel like this? I know time heals all wounds but I never expected to feel this way.


Asked by Xynyth at 8:12 AM on Apr. 18, 2010 in Just for Fun

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Answers (26)
  • I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. My husband didn't know that he had an autosomal genetic condition. (its mild and his parents never took him to a dr as a child). Our 3 yr old is fine, but our 1 yr old has it. It has varible expressiveness, so just because hubby's is mild, our 1 yr old could have a much more serious manifestation of it when as he gets older. We had planned on trying for a girl, but now that there is a 50/50 chance of the next child having it too, there will be no more children. We would have the option of IVF with pre-implantation genetic diagnosis to sort out hte healthy embryos from the ones with the condition prior to implantation, but A) I'm not sure how I feel about that and B) we can't afford it anyway with the medical bills we are racking up with the 1 yr old. I have good days and bad days. Some days I am sad and angry and some days I'm ok. I am hoping hte ok days will increase in number

    Answer by karamille at 9:02 AM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • I am very sorry. You and your family are in my prayers. I would say that it is normal to mourn the death of your plans and hopes about having more children. Combined with the extreme stress of the illness of your children, your reaction is normal.

    Answer by Bmat at 8:23 AM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • Honestly, hun, I felt the same way when I was younger about my bi-polar disorder. Yes, I know, not as extreme as your case, but it is similar. I was having so much trouble coping both with the bi-polar disorder and the various drugs they kept putting me on that I was about to find a doctor to have my tubes tied at 17 because I didn't want to pass this 'curse' on to any possible offspring.

    I say yes, it's totally normal, but it just comes down to taking whatever life throws at you and making the best of it.

    Answer by LokisMama at 8:27 AM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • Thanks :) I feel ridiculous for being so sad for a hypothetical future.

    Answer by Xynyth at 8:33 AM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • I don't think this is ridiculous at all! You're mourning the loss of the future that you and your dh had envisioned, and that's very normal, because what you lost is very real to you. Yes, I know these were future children that aren't alive right now, but the plan for them is real, and in the here and now.

    It's perfectly normal to mourn the loss of one dream, so long as you don't lose sight of the blessings you currently have, and as long as you don't fall into the trap of refusing to consider any other dream for you and your family.

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 8:55 AM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • It is totally normal. And I'm sure you will go in cycles with it. We have a special needs son, and they can't diagnose him. I go through cycles where I am ok with that, because he is who he is. But then I'm not, because I feel that because I'm his mom, it must be my fault, that I must have done something wrong, or not done something right when I was pregnant. So I go in cycles. I'm sure you will go through them, too. Just not for the same reasons.

    Answer by Raine2001 at 9:18 AM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • Thank you ladies. I don't know if I should be glad to know it's normal or sad that others feel this way too if you know what I mean.

    Answer by Xynyth at 9:28 AM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • Thanks :) I feel ridiculous for being so sad for a hypothetical future.

    It is OK to feel sad.... not only do you have the immediate medical issues to deal with, your idea of how your life would be has been completely thrown out the window! Mourning the un-born happens all the time. This even happens to women after they have their tubes tied!

    Go easy on yourself.... you are in my thoughts and prayers today.



    Answer by VeronicaLee at 9:36 AM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • Do you know how many people mourn the possible future, as well as the past? So many they write songs about it. I would not feel silly at all. Dreams are the foundation of everything.

    Answer by PrdMilWife at 9:52 AM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • I understand what you are going through. After the Premature birth of my first daughter I was diagnosed as having Renal failure. We have been told that we can not have anymore children. We wanted one more. It has been almost a year and I still mourn. I will mourn the "loss" as long as I live.
    One thing that I would like to say, because I have been guilty of this: is to be careful about mourning around your daughter. After my daughter's birth, and being told that we cannot have more children I got very upset and mad at my daughter. I knew that it wasn't her fault, but I wanted someone to blame. Please, please be careful of this.

    Answer by Cynthia721 at 10:43 AM on Apr. 18, 2010

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